Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I paced about my flat for about twenty minutes until I saw Teddy’s Land Rover pull into the drive of The Old Rectory, closely followed by Henry’s red Jaguar. I wanted to look away, to step back from the window, but it was like some kind of car crash television show that I couldn’t not watch, even though my brain was yelling at me to go and sit down, to wait and try to act cool. But I was too entranced, inextricably drawn to this, mesmerised and helpless to look away.
Teddy marched up the front steps, his pace hurried. He was clearly irritated, but he stopped short of the door, clocking the note stuck there before turning to Henry, who shrugged, hands in his pockets, attempting nonchalance. My heart was in my mouth as he read it, and when they both glanced up at my window, I reflexively dropped to the floor like a fainting goat, hoping that neither of them had seen my illicit voyeurism.
Lying on the carpet and staring at the circular patterns on the Artex ceiling, I pictured in my mind Teddy walking through his house and finding all my notes and props. I hoped he got the clues. I tried to imagine how he would react, and what his face would look like. Would he laugh? Would he be annoyed that I had been in his house without permission? Would he feel that same dull ache behind his ribs that I felt when I thought of him? Or the fluttering of butterflies when he smiled because of something I’d said? It was hard to let go of the niggling feeling that he was playing a game and stringing me along.
Perhaps he was just very good at luring women in and would still turn tail and dump me when he’d finally got his end away?
Shaking this from my mind, I tried my best to believe the good in him that I knew was there. I focussed on my breathing, letting the anxiety flow out in cathartic waves, attempting to manage the tempest that putting my vulnerability on show had created.
I had started to calm down – ten minutes or so of deep breathing had definitely helped – when through the open window, I heard the distinctive rumble of men’s voices in the surgery car park below. My pulse peaked and sweat beaded on my palms, undoing all my attempts at mindfulness in one quick swipe.
Excellent.
“Look, we’re here now, right at her door, and she’s gone to a lot of trouble, so just stop being a dick, Ted, and go and talk to her,” Henry grumbled, his voice wafting in through my open kitchen window.
“Why don’t you talk to her?” Teddy’s voice was petulant, but I could sense that he was wavering. His resolve was weakening, that maybe he didn’t quite have the conviction in this line of thought anymore.
“It’s not me she wants to talk to,” Henry said. There was a pregnant pause. “Look, here’s another note. Read it.”
I heard Teddy’s long sigh. “It says ‘ Look in the bag ’ .”
“Well then, look in the bag, Ted, for Christ’s sake.”
I could hear the rustling of the plastic bag that I’d hung on the door handle. Now my heart rate really went into orbit, hammering a pulse through my whole body and thudding in my ears like a military tattoo. This was it, the biggie, the baring-my-soul moment, and I didn’t know how he would take it. Once it was all said, it could never be taken back or hidden by a prickly overcoat ever again, and that was terrifying. I was itching to close the window and not hear any more, because letting someone in to my inner sanctum, the squishy marshmallow centre that I kept protected and secret, really was unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory for me. Plus, my ability as a poet was monumentally shit, and the thought of a public recital made me a bit sick in my mouth.
There was silence outside.
“Well?” Henry sounded impatient.
“Maybe it’s private, you dickhead.”
“Oh no you don’t. You’d not have done any of this without me pushing you along. I’m far too invested now, so I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s in the last one. Give it here.”
There was a slight scuffle, and I couldn’t help sniggering as I thought of two grown men fighting over my stupid little sticky note.
“Fine. Get off, Henry. All right. I’ll read it.”
He paused, and my breath stuck in my throat, heart stuttering to a stop, balanced on a knife-edge of uncertainty. Like how I imagine that moment of weightlessness before you plunge into a bottomless crevasse.
“ ‘These are my emasculators, but never fear, you’ve moved up the scale from possibly to nowhere near.’ ”
“Emasculators?” Henry sounded a little funny. I wondered if his skin had actually turned a particularly lurid shade of green. Probably. This was a comfort to me.
“Yes.”
“You’ve talked about this before?” Silence for a beat. “Actually, I don’t want to know.”
“There’s more.”
“About emasculation?”
“No.”
“Thank fuck for that.”
“Do you want to hear it or not?”
“Yes, hurry up. I’m meant to be picking Clara up in ten minutes.”
“Right, it says:
‘I’m caught in your spell, not able to run,
your masterclass in flirting has left me undone.
I’ve listened to my heart and it’s you that it chooses,
I’m sorry that it’s stroppy and covered in bruises. ’”
There was a pause, before Teddy carried on quietly, barely audibly.
“ ‘But luckily for you this treasure hunt is now done,
so come on inside and see what you’ve won. ’”
Another moment of silence stretched on, only my increasingly noisy hyperventilating filling the space in my head.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Henry asked, quietly, reassuringly, the whisper of their unique brotherly bond feathering the edges.
“What if this wasn’t meant for me?” Teddy’s voice was still almost a whisper as he looked to his brother for support.
“Come on, Ted. In your heart you know it’s not me she wants. It’s you . You’re so mad for each other – it’s obvious.”
“Hmmpph. Well, what if she leaves after all?”
“She hasn’t gone to all this trouble just to leave. Now, I will fucking well carry you inside if I have to.”
Ah, no-nonsense Henry was back. Excellent.
The squeak of the door opening carried up the stairs and I got up from my position on the floor, perching on the arm of one of the chairs and trying to calm my insides, before they conga-danced out of my skin. But when Teddy appeared in the doorway, nervously clutching all manner of weird paraphernalia from the treasure hunt in his arms, I couldn’t help a breathy little gasp escaping.
He glanced at me, but not for long, seemingly unable to keep the eye contact.
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Hello.” Henry appeared behind Teddy, grinning, his thumbs stuck up in a nerdy little salute.
“You can go now.” Teddy shot an irritated glance over his shoulder.
“Righto.”
“Wait,” I said softly. “I want Henry to hear this too.”
“I see.” Teddy seemed to stiffen.
“Don’t be a dick, Ted,” Henry said and shoved his twin’s shoulder, so he stumbled over the threshold and into my flat.
“He’s right. You’re being ridiculous.”
“Am I.” It was a statement, not a question. His tone was defensive. He was hurt.
“Yes, you are. Where on earth did you get the idea that I fancy Henry?” I asked. Teddy shrugged, but kept quiet.
“I mean, he’s nice enough, but, well, he’s Henry . What were you thinking?” I carried on, exasperated and waving my hand in his twin’s direction.
“Er, thanks, Hannah.” The crease between Henry’s eyebrows deepened and he pouted a little.
“But the way you look at him…” Teddy’s voice was so unsure. “You never look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you yearn for him.”
“When have I ever looked at him like I yearn for him?!”
I was baffled and glanced at Henry, who rolled his eyes, and mouthed “dickhead” behind Ted’s back.
“He was all you wanted to talk about when we first bumped into each other, remember? Then, the other night when he and Clara burst in on us, and when we all met in the pub a few weeks back, you couldn’t stop staring with moony eyes,” he replied bitterly.
“Moony eyes? What are you talking about?”
I racked my brains, trying to remember what I had done with my face and my eyes. I tried to rekindle whatever feelings I had experienced in those moments, but the only thing I could think about was how I had coveted the ease with which Clara and Henry loved each other. How their obvious affection and loyalty was evident, how safe and secure they were, like no one else needed to exist. I remembered envying their sense of comfort and acceptance, their unwavering love in the face of all adversity. That was what I longed for – someone who wanted me just the way I was, prickles, freckles, and all. And that was when the realisation dawned.
“It wasn’t Henry I was yearning for when I looked at them.”
“Clara?!” Henry and Teddy both said in shocked unison.
“No, you idiots. Not Clara.” Pinching my nose and closing my eyes briefly, I sighed and tried to gather my thoughts. “I’ve never seen two people who are so obviously meant to be together, who so obviously and unashamedly love each other. That’s what I yearn for, what Henry and Clara have together, Teddy, not an illicit lesbian affair with Clara.”
“I think I should leave you to it.” Henry flushed a little and backed away, giving me an encouraging smile, before disappearing down the stairwell and leaving us alone.
“Do you mean that?” Teddy said.
“Yes. Clara’s beautiful, but I’m definitely not yearning for her.”
“No, not the lesbian bit, although that thought is quite hot.” Teddy seemed to drift off somewhere, a dazed expression on his face, until the coaster I lobbed at him caught him on the arm.
“Focus!”
“Sorry.” He pulled out his top-tier sexiest grin, blinding me with teeth and dimples, and mischievousness. “I actually meant the bit about wanting to be unashamedly in love with someone?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No. Not just someone. Someone who unashamedly loves me back.”
“I see.”
“And I was hoping that might be you.”
The weight of this confession tentatively stretched between us, a thick thread of hope and anxiety, vibrating with doubt, a moment stopped in time as I waited for his answer.
“Were you?” He was quiet. His eyes were impossibly dark, his whole body still, except for a slight flexing of his fingers where he held the emasculators.
“Yes. But…”
“But?”
“But if you only want a quick fling, then…”
“Then?”
I sighed and felt myself start to crumble inwards. “Then I’m not sure that’s something I could do.”
“I see.” He stepped forward and placed all the objects he was holding on the dining table and closed the door to the stairwell behind him. “That’s not something I want.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Ok.” Fiddling with the slightly frayed hem of my shirt, I focussed all my being on not crying, and on rebuilding my defences, prickle by painful prickle.
“Don’t look like that, Hannah. I thought you knew me well enough by now. I thought I’d made it very clear what I wanted?”
“Right.” I kept my eyes trained downwards, not really taking in what he was saying, hoping to hold it together for a few more moments. Until he left, until I was alone with this humiliation and could unleash the devastation that was wrecking my whole body from the inside.
“Please look at me, Hannah.”
I chanced a glance in his direction. My vision was swimming with unshed tears, but he smiled a soft, sincere smile.
“I don’t want a casual fling. I want you , all of you, with my whole being. Completely. Forever.” He paused and swallowed. “You should know that in every moment of every day, you are all I want and all I can think about. You drive me crazy.” Running his hands through his hair, he glanced nervously to my feet and then back up to meet my eyes. “I love you, unashamedly.”
“You do?”
“I do.”
Right, well thank the actual fuck for that.
We stared at each other, and I began to unwind, my body thrumming with a different intensity now. Anxiety and humiliation slid away to be replaced by a swirling maelstrom of desire and something else, something wholesome and fulfilling, that wrapped around the spiky bits, softening the barbs almost unrecognisably.
I brushed away the single, static tear that decorated the corner of my eye and with a wobbly smile I said, “Unequivocally unashamedly?”
“I am completely unequivocal about my unashamed loving of you, Dr Hannah Havens.”
“Mmmm-hmmm.”
“Do you unequivocally and unashamedly love me in return?”
“Undoubtably.”
“Thank fuck for that.” Blowing out a long breath, Teddy ran his hands over his face. His arms flexed as he leant backwards. “But…”
Ah yes, there’s always a but.
“But?”
“But I don’t want to be the one to stop you following your dreams. I don’t want you to commit to something with me and give up your chance of the research career you deserve.”
He was being sincere, willing to walk away so that I could be the best I could be. “Who told you?”
“Clara.”
“Let’s see what happens after the interview. Bristol isn’t a million miles away, and I’m not even sure if I want the job, even if they do offer it to me.”
Getting up from my seat, I padded over to him, only stopping when we were almost touching. When he moved to close the gap, I placed my hand in the centre of his chest and pushed firmly. A little huff of air escaped his lips as he hit the door behind him with a thump.
“But before we go any further, let’s get something straight here, Edward Fraser.” He gulped, his eyes widening in shock. “I promise not to get those emasculators out, if you promise never, ever to mess me around. Deal?” He nodded. “Then we’re good. Now, let’s get to the nice stuff, shall we?”
And I finally did what I had been dying to do since that very first kiss fifteen years ago. I pressed my body firmly against his and ravaged his mouth like a porn star possessed.