Chapter 9 #2
Her expression immediately fell. “I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t deserve any of that. You know that, right?”
I could feel myself getting emotional. Nodding, I blinked back tears and pushed forward with what I needed her to know.
“The thing is, I stopped hating the guy who bought me somewhere along the way, because I believe he just wanted to get me out of a bad situation. Stepping up for me has caused a lot of trouble for his club but they’ve stood by me and did things they didn’t want to do.”
“It sounds like a complicated situation.”
“It’s complicated and confusing. I know things could be a lot worse and they’re actually really nice to me here. I should be happy. But I can’t get past being bought and sold like a piece of property. Trafficking human beings is wrong. And all these guys are getting off scot-free.”
“You want justice,” she stated bluntly. “Is that what you’re saying?”
I lifted my chin. She’d hit the nail right on the head. “Yes, of course I want justice. But in order to put my father and Viper in jail, I would have to put Fuse in jail too. They all three trafficked me. But I don’t want Fuse to go to jail. I keep going back and forth about it in my mind.”
“What you’re feeling is called cognitive dissonance. It’s when you have two conflicting feelings that you have yet to reconcile.”
I felt a headache starting in my left temple.
“That sounds about right.” After a slight pause, I added, “I don’t think it’s bikers that I don’t like.
I think it’s the way they walk around doing and saying whatever they want with no consequences.
Every time I start trying to think it through, my brain gets muddled and I end up with a huge headache.
What do you think about me trusting Fuse? Does that sound crazy to you?”
Dr. Kline responded, “I’ve worked with women connected to this club before. I’ve never heard of them mistreating or trafficking women before.”
I let that bit of information sink in for a moment. She trusted the Slayers. I guessed I’ve crossed the line into trusting them as well.
“Are they holding you against your will?” she asked.
I thought about what Fuse had told me. “Not really. I’m not allowed to leave the clubhouse, but Fuse said it was because I was still in danger.”
She looked thoughtful. “Do you think this is correct? Because if you need to leave, I can arrange for you to go to a women’s shelter.”
That was what Cassandra had offered too. These two professional women seemed to be looking out for me, and I did think that if I really wanted to leave Fuse wouldn’t stop me. “I feel safe here. No one has touched me or made me feel unsafe.”
“Okay,” she answered.
“Is there anything I can do to stop me feeling so angry about what’s happened to me??”
“One thing that’s worked for other women in your situation is journaling. Sometimes it helps you parse through all the details of a complicated situation,” she explained.
She pulled a blank notebook out of her bag and handed it to me.
“Try writing down your thoughts, both good and bad,” she said. “Then separate out each one on a blank piece of paper and let yourself just write whatever comes to mind.”
I took the notebook from her, remembering when I used to journal in junior high school. It helped me get all my anxieties out. “Thank you,” I murmured. “Organizing my thoughts might help me feel like I’m having a coherent conversation instead of just rambling.”
“Try it for a week,” she told me with an encouraging smile. “Then we’ll talk about whatever you’re comfortable sharing.”
“I used to keep a journal in high school. It was a great way to deal with stress.”
“Trauma is just stress to the tenth power,” she explained. “If it helped you before, it will probably help you again. Going back to a strategy that worked for you in the past is easier than learning something new.”
I nodded.
“I’ll give you my card. If at any time you feel unsafe call me. Everything we’ve spoken about today is strictly confidential, but if you need me to contact the authorities on your behalf, I will.”
I looked down at the notebook with swirling oceans and beautiful dolphins swimming around on the cover.
Elizabeth was right about journaling and about her being able to help me.
I could see that now. I’ve been struggling through impossibly difficult situations with grit and determination.
There was too much going on in my life to muscle through by myself.
This was my chance to do one better. Deep down inside, I knew this was worth a shot.
***
After my therapy session, I felt lighter and more hopeful about my future.
I’d gone in ready to hate the whole experience but walked out ready to break out a pen and get to writing in the journal she gave me.
Elizabeth had been every bit as good as Fuse said she was.
She not only knew how to talk to people, but she also knew how to listen, when to push, and when to hold back.
Fuse was waiting at the end of the hallway, leaning with one shoulder against the wall. His arms were crossed over his chest, making his biceps bulge. He had a look of cautious excitement on his face. My heart melted a little to see this handsome man waiting on me.
“How’d it go? Did you like the therapist?” Pushing off the wall, he walked towards me as he spoke.
“It went really well.” I reached for him first and threw my arms around him out of sheer relief. “You did a good job by hooking me up with Elizabeth. She’s amazing.”
He pulled me in for a tight hug and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by the feeling of his hard muscles and the scent of his body.
He was all leather and musk. A flood of pleasure flashed through my body at being so close to him.
I wasn’t expecting to have such a strong reaction to him.
“I’m glad to hear it. You did good,” he assured me, pulling back. “I got you something special to celebrate.”
I hadn’t believed him because the men in my life had never really come through for me.
When they did, their gifts usually came with strings.
I didn’t think Fuse fell into that category, so when he led me to the back of the bar area, I happily went with him.
We stopped at a table against the wall where a young teen was sitting with a big box that had breathing holes punched in the sides.
Excitement spiked in my mind because I knew what that meant, some kind of pet.
The box moved and tiny mews floated up to my ears. They were sweet, precious sounds, so I knew they were kittens. Excitement hit me hard and fast because I’d always wanted a pet.
I turned back to look at Fuse.
“You got me kittens!”
He looked pleased with himself as he gestured towards the box. “You can pick any kitten you want,” he said. “Unless you’re not really a cat person.”
The teen spoke up immediately. “There’s no such thing as not a cat person,” she insisted before I could get a word out either way.
She stood up, smoothed her t-shirt down, and extended her hand to me.
“My name’s Kayla. I’m a friend of Dusty’s.
Since she’s away in college, I’m the local crazy cat lady. ”
I laughed at that. I hadn’t met Dusty, but I’d heard about her. She was Celt’s daughter and ran a cat rescue organization. Shaking her hand, I responded, “I’m Winter. Just so you know, you don’t have to convince me. I love cats.”
I moved closer and peered down into the box of cute, wiggling fun. There were five kittens and each was adorable in its own way. They were so sweet that it was impossible to choose.
Fuse lifted one from the box for me to look at. “This tortoiseshell is nice.” Before I could grab and take the cute little kitten from him, it hissed and sunk its claws in Fuse’s hand, drawing blood.
Someone hissed from across the room, “Never trust a tortie, they’re furry psychopaths.”
The teen shot the man a dirty look and stated sternly, “They’re spirited. That’s all.”
Turning back to me, she encouraged me to keep looking. “How about you take a look at the others? There’s no pressure. I like to think the right kitten will find you, rather than you finding it. When that happens, it’s magical.”
Peering into the box, I asked, “What else do we have in here?”
Fuse quickly reached into the box and pulled out a black tuxedo kitten. When he handed the cute little bundle of fur to me, it tumbled effortlessly from his arms to mine.
Kayla peered at me with open curiosity. “Fuse said you had your first therapy session today. I hope it went well.”
I tried not to be embarrassed. “It did. Thanks for asking.”
She clapped her hands together. “Well, then you absolutely deserve kittens.”
Fuse cleared his throat. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that when I asked her to drop by.”
“No worries. Are you sure I’m allowed to have a kitten in the clubhouse?”
Kayla assured me, “It’s fine. We have a clubhouse cat running around here somewhere. The brothers all take turns feeding and petting him. Dusty made sure he was a big fat tomcat so he would fit in.”
Dusty must have been her personal hero because she kept chatting on and on about all the things Dusty taught her about rehoming cats.
When I glanced up at Fuse, he had the other tuxedo kitten from the litter in his arms. The look on his face pulled me in. Rather than a big, tough biker he looked like a sappy goofball. Meanwhile, the kitten was rubbing her face all over his chest like he was the second coming. It was cute.
I got lost in the moment as the two mewing kittens climbed all over us.
They were gorgeous and almost identical in their coloring.
Both had glossy black fur on their backs and white chests that looked like they were wearing formal little shirts.
One had a perfectly straight white blaze up her nose.
The other had a slightly crooked white patch under her chin that made her look perpetually startled.
The kittens might have been adorable, but I couldn’t help sneaking glances at Fuse. He was the main attraction.
The one in my arms took a tumble first, landing feet first on the table.
Its tiny paws scrabbled against the top of the smooth table, nearly tipping over the edge.
I caught it just in time and moved it back a safe distance.
The second followed instantly, taking a running jump from Fuse’s arms to the empty space beside her sister.
They bumped into each other before wobbling upright.
Kayla leaned on the bar, delighted. “They’re eight-week-old sisters. And as you can see, they are completely inseparable. We don’t like to split up closely bonded siblings unless we absolutely have to.”
Fuse rested his forearms on the bar and watched as the other kitten took a run at him, colliding headfirst with his chest.
He blinked, glancing up at me with a smile. “That was a fuckin’ bold move.”
“She’s the confident one,” Kayla said, like a proud mother. Kayla reached out to touch the kitten I was holding on the top of the head. “These two do better together. They sleep curled up, groom each other, and cry if you separate them. So obviously you’ll probably want to take both.”
Fuse shot her a disbelieving look. “We haven’t even agreed to one yet.”
“You’re holding one,” she pointed out shrewdly. “And she seems really taken with you.”
Kayla wasn’t wrong about that. The one he was holding climbed up to perch on his shoulder, looking around the room like she owned it.
“They’ve already chosen,” Kayla said. “See how they split. One for each of you.”
My heart melted at the idea of me and Fuse each taking one. That would be so perfect.
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I work a lot. I wouldn’t want to leave them alone in my room all day.”
“Consider them emotional support animals,” Fuse suggested helpfully.
“We can always take turns looking in on them. Besides, you’re not gonna be at the clubhouse forever.
Once things have settled, you can come and stay at mine or find your own place.
The kittens will keep each other company when you’re out. ”
The kitten on my chest stretched and accidentally bumped her tiny nose against my chin. I felt the vibration of her purr against my chest. I’d always wanted a kitten of my own. And this was my opportunity.
Fuse watched me carefully. “You worked hard today,” he said quietly. “You deserve something nice in your life.”
“I have something nice,” I told him playfully. “You.”
The smile that lit up his face was enough to make my heart beat a little faster. Between him and the kittens, my life was rapidly filling with joy.
Fuse looked from me to the kitten and back again as he smoothed his hand down the back of the one that had moved from his shoulder back to rest in his arms. “You want them, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but they need to stay together,” I told him quietly.
Fuse was smiling as he jerked his chin to Kayla. “Two it is, then. We’ll take them both.”
Kayla preened. “Good choice. These two will bring you years of happiness because cats are like that.”
Fuse reached over and brushed his knuckles lightly against my cheek. “Are you happy with my gift?”
I swallowed thickly and nodded. “I’m happy with everything to do with you.”
For the first time since therapy that morning, the tight coil in my stomach eased.
Fuse leaned over and gave me a light kiss on the cheek, lingering close as Kayla grabbed her box and headed out.
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” he murmured against my ear. “I want you to feel comfortable here. And once we take care of Viper, you can come home with me. I’ve got plenty of room for you and both of these furballs. You game for that?”
I nodded, suddenly feeling shy. “Yeah, I’d like to see your place.”
“Good. It’s a date.”
Something about the warm way he offered me a home tugged at my emotions. He didn’t have to do that. He did it because he likes me and wants to be with me. Any fool could see that. Even a fool like me.