Chapter 13
CECILIA
“You and me, we need to talk about some things,” Gabriel growls as soon as he’s within earshot, and okay, yeah, he looks pissed. Can’t say I blame him for the bad attitude. I mean, he and Austin really did a number on each other during practice.
It was hard to watch. Enjoyable at times, like when Austin’s nose turned into a bloody faucet, but still rough. I don’t know what all that was about. I thought they were friends. But Gabriel took a lot of hits, and I’m sure he’s in pain.
He should probably see the campus nurse. Get his injuries checked out. But he doesn’t look like he has any plans to head in that direction.
He looks pissed. And having all of Gabriel’s anger directed at me now makes the urge to run far and fast really freaking strong. I remind myself it’s the adrenaline talking. He’s still coming down from practice. He’s fine. Everything is fine.
“About what?” My bottom lip quivers so I bite it to still the motion as I shove my book back into my bag and stand up. It’s okay. His adrenaline is high. He won't hurt you. Right?
I give him an assessing look. Right. Gabriel is nice. He’s not like Austin and his stupid frat buddies. Just an hour ago, he kissed me. And while it was unexpected, it wasn’t unwelcome. My heart rate picks up.
Gabriel runs his fingers through his hair, shoving the sweat damp strands out of his face. He didn’t shower after practice, stopping in the locker room just long enough to grab his things before coming right back out. I almost wish he would have.
Blood drips from the corner of his mouth where Austin landed a jab with his elbow.
The asshole. And Gabriel’s cheek is red, a bruise already blooming on his tan skin.
The back of one calf is scraped nearly raw and I wince as I take in the blood that pools around his ankle, soaking his sock and staining it a deep red.
I swallow hard. That has to hurt. Do they always go at it like this during practice? Aren’t there rules or something against that sort of thing? I thought soccer was a contactless sport but what I saw today was definitely full contact behavior.
Gabriel gave as good as he got, and some of his friends joined in on it and threw a few of their own hits Austin’s way toward the end, but … why?
Is this because of me? Is that why he and Austin were at each other’s throats like that?
I frown and immediately dismiss the idea. Gabriel doesn’t know what Austin did to me. And besides, aren’t they friends? This has to be about something else. Maybe testosterone was running too high on the field or something.
Gabriel takes my bag from me and slings it over his shoulder before taking my hand in his like it’s the most natural thing to do. I scowl down at our entwined fingers but mutely follow behind him, still not sure what to expect right now as we make our way down the steps from the bleachers.
Two guys stand near the gate waiting for us. I recognize both from the field. They’re Gabriel’s teammates, so my mind wants to rationalize that they’re safe. That his friends won’t do anything to me. And if they try, Gabriel will stop them.
I want to believe that. Truly.
But the reminder does nothing for the anxiety running rampant inside me at the site of two unfamiliar faces.
What do I really know about Gabriel? Nothing.
So what if he kissed me. That doesn’t mean he all of a sudden cares about me.
The real me. Not just his hero complex that makes him want to save a damsel in distress, but me as a person.
For all I know it could all be a game. He could be just like Austin, and right now, I’m the lamb he’s leading to slaughter.
Hell, Austin did a lot more than kiss me, and that didn’t earn me an ounce of his loyalty or protection.
I shake my head, determined to dump the intrusive thoughts from my mind. Don’t go down that road, Cecilia. Not everyone is out to hurt you.
The closer we get, the faster my heart hammers in my chest.
I’m going to be sick.
I tug my hand free from Gabriel’s grip, my breaths coming faster and faster with each passing second. He turns to look over his shoulder at me with a frown but keeps walking, assuming I’ll follow.
Loud voices reach my ears. I search for the sound and see Austin, Parker, and Gregory leaving the locker room with a few other players I don’t recognize.
But there’s no mistaking them. They’re laughing.
Playfully shoving one another without a care in the world.
Austin looks up, meeting my gaze, and a cruel sneer spreads across his face.
He and his friends reach their cars but he’s the last to get in, keeping his eyes locked on mine like he’s issuing a warning.
Someone calls his name and he gets into the car.
One by one, the rest of the players leave.
Everyone except Gabriel and his two two friends.
We’re almost to them when it’s suddenly too much.
I don’t know them. I don’t know what they’re like. What they’re capable of. I can’t … I can’t do this.
What was I thinking? Stupid. Cecilia. You’re so stupid.
“I’m gonna head out,” I call to Gabriel’s back and he stops. If I get out of here fast enough, maybe he won’t notice my total freak out.
“I’ll take you home.” His voice is firm.
Yeah, no. “That’s okay. I’ll be fine. I just need my keys back.” I hold out my hand, but don’t move any closer. My eyes flick to the guys behind him, who watch us with open curiosity. The attention makes my skin itch.
“Cecilia?” Gabriel closes the distance between us, but so do his friends, deciding to come to us instead of continuing to wait. I take a step back, but as I do, Gabriel reaches out and cups the side of my face in one large, warm hand.
Concern lines his previously angry features.
“What’s going on?”
My eyes flick from him to his friends and back again. “I want to go home.” I add steel into my voice, hoping he’ll give me what I’m silently asking for. An escape. A chance to slip away before I’m forced to face two large and unfamiliar men.
“And I’m going to take you home. The guys and I just had a few—”
“No.” I suck in a sharp breath. “I need to go home now.” I stomp my foot, knowing that it makes me look like a petulant child. I don’t care. “My mom is probably already worried. Just, give me my keys. Please.”
He doesn’t, and that small piece of trust that’d been forming between us shatters into a million pieces. Why won’t he listen?
I retreat back another step.
Gabriel follows.
“What’s going on right now?” There’s genuine confusion in his voice, but I don’t have it in me to explain it to him.
“Give me my keys,” I demand once more.
His eyes narrow and something calculating enters his gaze. “Not until you explain what the hell is happening right now.”
My mind races a mile a minute. I need to get out of here. If I can just make it past Gabriel and his friends, I can walk the few blocks to the bus stop and hop on that to get home. Dad has the spare key to my Jeep. I can come back for it tomorrow. It’s not a big deal. I just need to—
Gabriel reaches out for me again and as soon as his hand closes around my arm, something inside of me snaps. All of the fear I felt that night comes crashing into me like ocean waves intent on dragging me out to sea.
“Get away from me!” I scream, stumbling back.
My legs collide with the bleachers behind me, and I fall on my ass before scrambling backwards in a makeshift crab crawl as I frantically climb back up the stands. My chest heaves up and down. My throat suddenly dry.
Gabriel is frozen, eyes wide in shock by my reaction, but I can’t stop moving. Can’t stop trying to get away. I scramble back until my back hits the wall at the back of the bleachers but it’s still not enough. Not far enough. Not safe enough. No. No. No.
Tears fill my eyes and I blink hard, desperate to make them go away. “Don’t fall apart. Do not fall apart,” I whisper to myself.
My head is dizzy and my hands tremble as I fight to calm down, but nothing works.
What is happening right now? It’s been weeks since I’ve had a panic attack like this, but I can barely breathe right now.
My heart pounds as though desperate to tear itself out of my chest. I scrub my hand over my face, fingers pressing deep into my skin.
Why is this happening right now? Just, fucking why?
“Cecilia?”
“Stop!” I snap, holding one hand in the air to ward him off as the other clings to my chest. I press against my racing heart, willing it to slow down, and everything around me slowly falls away.
My vision narrows and the edges blur. I can hear Gabriel’s steps as he retreats, moving closer to his friends and further away from me.
Muffled voices reach me as he talks with his friends, but I can’t make out their words. Not that I care. I’m sure it’s about me. The crazy girl freaking out in front of them. I bet Gabriel’s regretting that kiss now. I know I am.
No one comes any closer, and for that, I’m grateful.
I suck in a deep breath through my mouth and exhale it as slowly as I can through my nose, focusing on the action like the internet suggested.
I know I’m having a panic attack. They’ve happened enough times that I recognize the signs, but what I don’t understand is why now?
I’m back at school. I see people every day.
I brush past men in the hallways. This shouldn’t be happening to me. I had it under control.
I take another breath and close my eyes, straining my ears in case anyone decides to climb the bleachers toward me. I just need a minute. If I can just have a minute to catch my bearings, I’ll be fine.
I wrack my brain for all the things I read about dealing with panic attacks and anxiety and the 3-3-3 rule comes to mind, so I cling to it. “Three, three, three,” I whisper to myself.
“Name three sounds you can hear.”
I take a deep breath and listen to the noise around me.
“The wind.” Another breath. “Gabriel’s voice. The sound of cars passing on the road.”
Another deep breath.
“Move three parts of your body.”
I open and close my fists. I bounce my knee. Deep breath. I roll my neck.
Another inhale before letting it out. I release a small piece of my panic on my next exhale.
“Point out three things you can see.”
I open my eyes and let my surroundings come into focus. “Soccer field. Gabriel. Gabriel’s friends.”
I swallow hard. “I’m okay.” I tell myself. “I’m okay.”