Chapter 26
CECILIA
It hits me the next morning, just like I knew it would. I try to pretend nothing’s changed. To convince myself we can get past this. But the longer the day goes on, the heavier the weight in my chest grows. He’s incapable of letting this thing with Austin go.
I wait for Gabriel on the bleachers near the soccer field. I know what has to be done and already, I grieve the loss of what I am willfully giving up. They say if you love someone, then let them go.
I’m in love with Gabriel Herrera. And giving him up is one of the hardest things I will do, but I have to.
I’m not okay. I wish I was. I really do.
But I’m not, and I can’t fix what’s broken inside of me overnight.
He deserves better. So much better than the broken and jagged pieces I have to offer him.
I take a deep breath and steel myself, catching sight of him across the field. His smile lights up when he sees me and he jogs the few yards between us, his sure steps leading him straight toward me.
“Hey.” He swoops down and kisses my cheek before dropping his gear on the empty bench behind him. Honey-gold eyes meet mine, but when I don’t respond, his brows furrow and his smile dims. He cocks his head in silent question and I hang mine, not sure where to even begin.
“Everything okay?” he asks. “Did Holt—”
“No.” I don’t want him to worry about that.
Gabriel drops down into a crouch in front of me, making us eye level. He tilts my chin up, bringing my gaze to his.
Concern lines his face when he asks, “What’s going on? You know you can tell me anything.”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Biting down hard, I look away, forcing myself to breathe. Come on, Cecilia. Spit it out. Just get it over with already.
His hands drop to his sides, eyes searching mine for clues to my shift in behavior. He reaches for my hand, but I pull away. He can’t touch me. Not if I’m going to go through with this.
A flash of hurt passes over his face before he schools his expression and laces his fingers together. He waits, but he’s no fool. He knows what I’m trying to do. It’s written across his face.
“I can’t see you anymore.” I force the words past my lips before clamping them tight to keep myself from taking them back. I want to. More than anything. But I wait.
As the seconds tick by, the silence stretches between us, and the urge to take them back grows stronger. But I don’t. I can’t. Tension weighs heavy between us and I peer through my lashes, gauging his reaction to my admission.
His brows are furrowed and confusion spreads across his face, but what I don’t see is acceptance. “What are you talking about?” His voice is filled with disbelief.
I swallow down the lump in my throat and square my shoulders. This is the right call. It might not feel that way right now, but it is, and I need to believe it.
“I think it would be better if we spent some time apart. Did our own thing for a while.” It’s a lame explanation, even for me, but I can’t seem to get my mouth to speak all the words I’d rehearsed earlier today.
I should break this off. Make it a clean cut.
But a part of me wants to leave the door open. To leave us some semblance of a chance.
Color fills his face and the heavy set of his shoulders stiffens. “Where is this coming from? Did Holt or someone else put you up to this?” A muscle ticks in his jaw as his confusion quickly morphs into anger. “Did he— “
“No,” I rush to tell him. “No one put me up to this. This is all me. I…” I bite my bottom lip. “I need space.”
He shakes his head, his doubt evident, and it makes me fall for him more. Even now, he refuses to give up on me. On us. But he has to.
“I’ll back off,” he says. “I’ll stop. All of us will stop. You want me to leave Holt be, fine. Consider it done.”
We both know he doesn’t mean it. It would never last.
“I can’t be with you,” I tell him, imploring him to understand. “We’re not right for each other— “
“The hell we’re not.” He shoves to his feet. “You and me,” he points back and forth between us, towering over me, “we fit. You know we do.”
I swallow hard, looking up at him. “We fit because I’m broken. Because you fill my cracks—” I choke on my words. Dammit. Why is this so hard? “I don’t want to be broken anymore.”
Gabriel draws me to my feet and cups my face in his palms. There’s a desperate glint in his eyes. Like he’s on the verge of unraveling. “You’re not broken. You’re perfect. You’re— “
“No.” I shake my head and pull away. “As long as we’re together, I’ll only ever be broken.”
He flinches. “I—That’s—” His jaw clenches. He knows I’m right. He knows he’s become something of a crutch for me, even if that was never his intention.
“It’s too easy to lean on you. To stay like this. Fractured. Un-whole.” My confrontation with Austin the other day is enough to confirm that.
“Don’t do this.” His voice is ragged. “Don’t throw what we have away.” He bares his teeth and I can tell he’s biting back his words. Holding himself in check. It’s the unshed tears in his eyes that almost undo me. The last thing I want is to hurt him.
But I can’t pretend any longer.
“I don’t want to be with you.” The lie falls from my lips, my words little more than a whisper, but he hears them, and they hit their intended mark.
Gabriel flinches as though my words are a physical blow.
Rearing back, he shakes his head in denial. It’s written all over his face. He wants to fight me on this. But he isn’t sure. There’s an inkling of doubt in his gaze. It’s the same one inside of me that wonders if I’m enough. Could I ever be enough for someone like him?
Tears sting the backs of my eyes and I furiously blink them away. If I fall apart now, all of this will be for nothing. He has to believe me.
I wait for him to storm off or lash out, throwing hurtful words my way.
He does neither of those things. Instead, he grinds out one single word. “Bullshit.”
My eyes widen.
“What?”
He runs his tongue over his teeth and glares down at me. “We were fine yesterday. We fucked. I held you. Everything was perfect leading up to this morning. Something happened.”
I shake my head. Nothing happened. Not anything he doesn’t already know.
“Stop lying to me!” he demands. “What changed? This kind of shit doesn’t come out of nowhere, Cecilia.
” Frustration rolls off of him in waves, but instead of comforting him, reassuring him of my feelings, I allow the tension between us to thicken.
I let it grow more and more uncomfortable with each second I refuse to answer him.
There is no easy answer. Not one that will satisfy him.
“Fuck.” He doesn’t know what to do with himself and paces the narrow space between the bleachers. “Lay it out for me. What happened? What did I do?”
I hate that he blames himself. This isn’t his fault. We just… “We’re not good for each other. Not now.” Maybe later. Some time in the future when I’m strong again. No longer in need of saving.
He jerks to a stop and stabs a finger toward me. “Stop lying.”
“I’m not.”
He huffs out a breath, his chest rising and falling at a rapid clip. He looks like he’s battling with himself. Struggling to figure out what to do next. I can see the wheels in his head spinning. Gabriel wants to fix this. Just like he wants to fix me. But he needs to realize he can’t.
I am not his burden to bear.
Tugging the sleeves of my hoodie down, I fold my chilled hands across my chest and tuck them under my arms. “I’m not trying to hurt you,” I tell him. “This will never work, Gabriel. Not now at least.”
He shakes his head, expression locking down.
“I don’t believe you,” he tells me, but I hear the defeat in his voice.
Because a part of him does. A part of him knows that no matter how much we care for each other, this isn’t healthy for either of us.
I can’t be his absolution. Saving me doesn’t bring his brother back.
It doesn’t replace everything he’s lost. And being with him allows me to ignore my own trauma.
The things that were done to me. He’s my crutch.
I need to know I can walk on my own two feet without him. That I’m strong enough to face Austin on my own should I have to.
I can’t be with Gabriel and constantly worry he only wants me because I’m broken and in need of saving.
If we stay together, if we work through this right now, I will always wonder. That doubt will be there, lingering in the recesses of my mind, and it will fester until it can no longer be ignored. Until it destroys what we have and by then, it’ll be too late to recover.
We need time to work on ourselves. To become who we’re meant to be, outside of one another. We won’t stand a chance until then.
“Calling me a liar doesn’t change things. You can’t force me to be in a relationship with you. I’m asking you to respect my decision. To give me space.”
He rubs the back of his neck and grimaces. Without looking at me, he asks, “Why are you lying to me? To yourself? The least you can do is give me the fucking truth if you’re going to call shit off and blindside me like this.”
A single tear slips past my defenses and I swipe it away, not answering him.
“This is bullshit.” He stabs a finger at the ground between us. “I know I fucked up. I didn’t protect you from Holt—”
“I don’t want your protection!”
His eyes plead with me to help him understand, but I can’t. I don’t know what else there is to say.
Gabriel reaches for me, but when he sees me tense up, he draws his hand back, dropping it to his side. “You need to give me something here. Because I can’t accept this bullshit, baby. Give me something.”
“I can’t.”
His nostrils flare. “So this is it? You’re pushing me away?”
“I’m not pushing you away— “
“The fuck you’re not, Cecilia.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. You’re not listening— “
“I heard you loud and clear. You don’t want me to look out for you. You don’t want me to go after Holt and the others who hurt you, but I’m going to level with you here, since you’re not willing to do the same for me.” He waits until I meet his gaze. “I love you.”
My heart stutters in my chest, and I look away.
“I love you so much that hearing you say you want to do your own thing, that you don’t want to be with me anymore, it fucking guts me.
Even though I know you’re lying to my face.
” I open my mouth to argue, but he doesn’t give me the chance to.
“And that, that shit hurts, too. We don’t lie to each other.
” He scrubs a hand over his face, frustration coiling his body tight.
“I want all your truths. The good and the bad. The beautiful, the ugly, and even your twisted broken truths. Everything you have to offer. Because I’m a greedy bastard and you are mine. ”
“Gabriel— “
“You’re delusional if you think pushing me away helps either of us.
” He doesn’t wait for me to respond. “I was a mess before you. After Carlos’s death, I compartmentalized my shit and faked it as best I could.
I was dead inside. But you…” He sucks in a breath.
“Cecilia, you make me feel, and yeah, sometimes feelings hurt. I won’t pretend they don’t.
But I see the way you look at me. Even now.
The idea of us not being together isn’t any more appealing to you than it is to me.
Whatever is going on in that head of yours, spell it out for me. We can get through it. I know we can.”
I’ve never had someone outside of my parents care about me this much. No one has ever fought for me like this. But it doesn’t change things. No matter how much I wish it did.
Tears fill my vision to slip silently down my cheeks.
Gabriel presses his forehead to mine and I close my eyes, letting my tears continue to fall. His thumbs swipe at my cheeks and I breathe in the smell of his cologne, taking comfort in the familiar scent for longer than I should.
“I know I’m not perfect,” he whispers. “But don’t ask me to give you up.”
I open my mouth and he stills, bracing himself as I hammer in the final nail.
“You have to.”