Chapter 5
Ami
You belong with me.
By the time I pull into my sister’s driveway, I’m a wreck. I hate that my body feels like it’s going to overheat. Like it was me those flames are eating up, searing their way up and down my arms, my legs, into my stomach, my lungs, my throat.
I expected fear. Fear and revulsion. Terror. That statement should instill the worst in me. It should be the unholiest of triggers, but what I feel isn’t the right response. It’s not the correct emotion, and I have no fucking idea what to do with that.
Wraith’s bike isn’t in the driveway, thank fucking god. I don’t think I have the strength to face him at the moment.
When I push open the front door and force my heavy feet inside, Leena hovers around instantly, like she’d been waiting for me.
I want to wipe away the concern smeared across her face.
I feel completely unworthy of it at the moment.
I haven’t been the best sister. I don’t really deserve her love or her kindness. Certainly not her worry.
“What happened?” Leena’s eyes get even bigger when they sweep over me.
I shake my head and push past her, escaping to the kitchen where I pour myself a glass of water from a tap that isn’t mine, into a glass that isn’t mine, in a kitchen that isn’t mine. After I down it, fill the glass again and gulp another, I finally turn, slowly, to find Leena standing behind me.
Her lips are pressed into a thin line and sparks dance in her eyes. She’s angry for me already, and I haven’t even told her anything yet.
“Please tell me he didn’t piss on them again,” Leena says slowly, as she crosses her arms over her chest.
“No.” She almost lets out a sigh of relief, but clearly my face says that shit is short lived. “He doused them in gas and lit them on fire.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“I wish.” I swipe a trembling hand over my forehead, clearing away the damp strands of hair that are plastered there. “I wish I was kidding. I’m not. He really did. Got out the gas can and everything.”
My stomach knots into sickening lumps and my heart gives an awkward flutter that I don’t understand.
You belong with me.
I don’t though. I don’t belong with anyone, or to anyone, least of all him.
Still. The way he said those words and forced them out of a raspy throat, raw with emotion that wasn’t completely anger, did something to me.
I feel my pulse hammering at my neck and I don’t understand my body’s reaction.
I should have twisted away in fear and disgust. I did leave.
Ran. But in the car, I let the unrestrained tears cascade down my cheeks.
I couldn’t stop them anymore than I could stop the wicked heat that spread through my veins, unchecked and unwelcome, disconcerting, and confusing.
I’d stopped at every light and pressed my forehead to the cold steering wheel, searching for some relief from the flames turning my body to ash.
Unbidden, the scent of Gage, a dark male scent, spicy and earthy, washes over me, a memory so powerful that it’s almost like he’s standing right in front of me and I’m drinking him in all over again.
I give my head a shake and find Leena staring at me anxiously.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to check out on you.”
“That’s okay.” Leena eyes my empty water glass, as though it’s the safer place to look. “What if he refuses to sign the papers? Is there anything else that you can do? That your lawyer can do?”
My throat closes up, but my heart beats harder and I don’t know if it’s panic or a wild thrill that I feel—maybe both, and that scares me the most. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just straight up hate him?
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I think so. I mean, there must be, because I’m sure that tons of people have this problem. Where the other person won’t sign. They can’t just force them to stay married forever against their will. There has to be something that Anna can do.”
“Anna?”
“Sorry. My lawyer.”
A small smile twitches over Leena’s lips. “You should never be on a first name basis with your lawyer.”
“No?”
“No. For one, it’s way too expensive.”
“It is,” I admit. “Good thing I make good tips waitressing. And I’m done school now, so I’ll be able to get a real job soon.” I don’t mention my plans for getting the hell out of my apartment. Maybe even Tampa. It’s too personal, and I’ll never be able to explain. Not completely.
“There isn’t anything wrong with waitressing. And I must say, I’m jealous. I still have two more years to go.”
“What do you do during the day then, if Wraith doesn’t want you to work?”
“How do you know he doesn’t want me to work?” A funny frown creases her delicate forehead.
“I don’t know. I guess I just know that you aren’t. I figured it had something to do with him. They all seem to be overbearing and controlling, even if they’re doing it in a nice way.”
“He’s not like dad, if that’s what you mean.
He gave me the choice of working or not.
My classes are pretty intense and just because I take them at night and online doesn’t really mean that I have anymore free time than anyone else would.
I study during the day, work on my papers, that kind of a thing.
He didn’t want me to have to work at some crappy job that I hated and then have my grades suffer because I don’t have time for everything. ”
“Or more like, he wanted you all to himself.”
“He’s gone during the day most of the time,” Leena says softly, but I see that now-familiar light spark to life in her eyes.
Her whole face softens. “He’s busy in Jacksonville with club business.
It’s a long drive there and a long drive back.
I could work if I want. He’s not controlling at all.
He just assured me that we have enough money and I don’t need to until I’m ready.
He’s been teaching me to paint. Did you know that he paints? ”
“No. I didn’t know.” It was strange, thinking about a leather-wearing biker doing something like that, but I bit down on my tongue, knowing Leena wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment.
“And I get to spend my day with Abby. She likes going for walks. She has less anxiety when I’m here with her than when she gets left by herself.”
“Is it weird? Having a dog in a wheelchair?”
“No. I guess it was a little bit strange at first,” Leena admits, “But I loved her right away. From the second I saw her. I loved her before I even loved Wraith. Maybe I loved him because of Abby. I don’t know.
I just knew that I couldn’t hate him when I found out he had a dog in a wheelchair and saw how much he adored her. ”
“Don’t even think about it,” I nearly snap when I see the hope lingering on Leena’s face.
“Gage isn’t the same. He doesn’t have a dog in a wheelchair.
He’s not artsy. He’s not even nice. What you see is what you get with him.
He’s an asshole. A big brute who likes to throw his weight around. It would never have worked out.”
Because even if he wasn’t any of those things, I’m too damaged to ever be with another person in any real capacity.
“What if you… I don’t know… here’s a novel idea, what if you sat down and talked with him?”
“Talk?”
Leena twists her hands in front of her. “Yeah. Talk, like rational human beings. What would be the harm in it?”
“The harm? The harm is that the man is a Neanderthal. He’s pissed on my divorce papers and lit the second set on fire. I think that’s a pretty good indication he’s not going to just sit down and talk.” And he’s also a possessive asshole who said that I belong with him.
“Maybe he’s just hurt. He was humiliated when you left. Worse, he was punished for something he didn’t even do. You let everyone think he beat you!”
“Don’t you think there was a reason for that?” I grind out angrily, even though Leena couldn’t possibly know. It’s not fair to take out my rage on her, my frustration and everything else I’m feeling, but I can’t help myself. I never said I was the nice sister or that I was a decent person.
“A reason for what?”
“Nothing.”
An awkward, strained silence descends in the kitchen between us.
I hate that I’ve done this, widened that gulf stretching between us when Leena was only trying to help.
She opened up her home to me when I asked, not because she needed to, but because she’s a good person.
She did it even though Wraith obviously doesn’t like me or want me here.
I blow out a breath and turn to blink at Leena in silent apology.
“Sorry. I’m just tired. It’s been a long two days.
I don’t like coming back here. I just want to get my papers signed and get the hell out.
I really don’t think it’s too much to ask to just get his name on a few lines when he clearly doesn’t want to stay married any more than I do.
I don’t get it. If he wants his freedom, why won’t he just sign? We’d both be better off.”
Leena frowns again and I hate the worry lines crinkling at the corners of her eyes.
The lines etching her mouth are even worse.
I don’t want her to have to go through this.
With me. For me. I should be able to deal with my own shit.
I should have gotten a hotel room for the few days that I’m going to be here, not intruded into my sister’s life and dumped my problems at her feet.
“Well…” her voice is soft. Impossibly soft, and I already know I’m not going to like what she has to say.
“Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe Gage doesn’t see it like that.
Maybe he wants something. Some kind of absolution or…
I hate to say it, but some kind of revenge for what happened.
He probably thinks that he was wronged. I don’t know.
That’s why I think the best thing to do is sit down and talk to him. ”
Talk. There it was again. “Nope. Never going to happen. He’s made it clear he’s beyond the talking to me stage. He can’t even be rational.”
“I don’t know then. I mean, don’t you think maybe you deserve to hear him out?
That there might be another side to his story?
One you haven’t considered? Maybe if you do, I’m not saying this as a certainty, but maybe if you show him you’re willing to do that, he’ll be more willing to do something for you. ”
“That sounds like a really shitty form of coercion.”
“Or maybe it’s just common decency. Maybe if you treat him like a person, like he actually matters and not just be this thing, a means to an end, and I’m saying that in the nicest way possible, maybe he’ll be able to listen to reason and give you what you want.”
“He hates me. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. Talking wouldn’t help.”
“I could get Wraith to set it up for you.”
“No! No way.” I pick up my water glass but just clench it tightly in my hand. “No. That would make me look totally pathetic.”
“Sometimes… a little humility probably goes a long way.”
“Not in this case.”
“In every case. I think it would help. Going there and shoving the papers in his face isn’t going to work.
I think we both know that. Why don’t you try calling him and set something up?
Or maybe let me ask Wraith to talk to him and get him to meet with you.
You can do it on neutral territory. In a restaurant or something, so no one can get mad or do anything crazy. ”
“I think that’s the worst idea. Doing it in a public place. So everyone can overhear all the dirty laundry we have and judge me for being a shitty person. Or maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you think I should be judged. That I should be found wanting. That I have so many things to atone for.”
“Ami…” Leena sighs. She shakes her head in a sad, exasperated way.
I’m not prepared for her when she steps forward and opens her arms. She doesn’t give me any time to protest or regain my bearings before she wraps them around my shoulders and pulls me in close.
I hate going there. I hate leaning against her.
I hate that my eyes close and that it feels good to be held.
I hate that after so many years apart, doing this, hugging her, kind of feels like coming home.
I hate that I can’t tell her that physical contact is something that is on the ‘shit I can’t do’ list. It’s because she’s my sister, and she’s kind and good, that I don’t pull away.
“You’re my sister,” she whispers softly in my ear.
“I don’t want to judge you. I never wanted that.
All we ever hoped for, Steph and me, was that you’d find someone one day and be as happy as we are.
I really believe that you can’t do that, even for yourself, until you settle things with Gage.
It might be painful and uncomfortable for both of you, but will you please give it a try? ”
She pulls away and I’m shocked that I miss her arms. That I want to pull her back to me and cling to her, bury my face in her hair and inhale her sweet scent.
I’ve never been a clingy person. Even before, but it’s been a long time.
I keep telling myself that I don’t like being back in Helena, so close to Jacksonville, and I don’t, but I have missed my sisters. More than I ever thought I could.
It’s hard being solitary for so long. It’s hard being strong and knowing the whole time, I’m not at all. That really, I’d do anything for a good friend, someone to listen to me—even for a few seconds, that I’d do anything to be a part of a family again.
They have their own lives, though. They’ve moved on without me, and I didn’t exactly give them much of a choice.
“Please…” Leena stares at me, her eyes shining with so much emotion that it hurts to look at her. “Can you please do this, for me?”
I don’t want to. I’d rather flip Gage off and tell him to shove those papers up his ass.
Despite the fact it is a fine ass, because yes, I have eyes, and yes, it surprises the hell out of me that I find him attractive in any capacity.
For Leena, because I can tell how worried she is and how this is actually hurting her, I paste on a smile and force myself to nod.
I’ve been strong enough to make it on my own for the past year. And for seven more before that.
Maybe I can find the strength to have a ten minute conversation with a man I want to tuck firmly into my past so that he damn well stays there this time.