Chapter 19 #3
“It’s okay,” I assure him quickly. Too quickly.
He stares at me. I stare back. Slowly, I fold my arms over my chest, since it gives me an ounce of protection against his naked glare.
“He had a plan. He would have made it happen either way. At least this way you didn’t get hurt.
I- fuck. No. You did.” I swallow hard, pushing the lump of shame and regret down to my stomach.
“Gage, I- I’d take it all back if I could.
I shouldn’t have lied. I shouldn’t have…
I can’t believe my brother hurt you like that.
That your own club allowed it to happen. ”
He pauses for a second, like he doesn’t really want to speak, but the words bubble out, like lava from deep in the earth, until he can’t be contained any longer.
“That wasn’t the worst part. The club justice shit. None of it was the worst part. It was not that anyone knew, but I did. I knew. I knew and it’s been eating me like a fucking parasite ever since that day.”
My breath hitches as his face collapses in on itself.
That tough, hard mask is gone and in its place is absolute ruination.
I can’t take seeing it in his eyes, so I drop my gaze to the floor and study the little pools of water forming around his boots.
I have to force the words out. Because I have to ask him.
I have to say it, because I know that he has to tell me.
That everything we’ve been through has led up to this.
“What? What do you mean?”
“Those scars… I promised myself I’d never fucking be like him.
That I’d never lose control like that. Every single scar you saw, and you’re the only one who has ever seen them, was put there by the man who was supposed to be my father.
He was a drunk and a mean one. I never wanted to be him.
Wanted to say that he donated sperm to make me and that was fucking it.
And that night, I was drunk. I didn’t fucking mean for it to happen.
Didn’t realize that without eating… fuck.
And then I woke up the next morning, and I couldn’t remember and you said… you were…”
No. I can’t let him do this. I can’t let him self-destruct right in front of me.
I can’t let his past brutalize him anymore than I can stand to think about what was done to me.
I’ve never been able to face what happened.
Not truly. I was a coward and now Gage might have paid a price that was far too high. For me.
He may have just mistakenly tried to save me from my own personal hell. He hasn’t told me where he was, but I know that he just plunged himself into the flames and waded through the searing heat and the wasteland of death and destruction to pull me back to the living.
He might have paid with his own freedom.
I can’t let those flames devour him too.
I wasn’t strong enough to save myself, but maybe he doesn’t need strength. Maybe he needs the exact opposite. Not weakness, but softness. Tenderness. Someone to touch him gently, maybe for the first time ever, with a touch that isn’t brutal and filled with violence.
“Gage,” I breathe, because everything I want to say is jammed so deep and tight inside of me, all I can do is breathe his name. It’s enough. It’s fucking enough.
He lifts his head and our gazes lock. He doesn’t shutter off his eyes. He lets me into them, into his soul, into the pain festering there, a soured wound that is slowly killing him.
“You need to get out of those wet clothes,” I mutter, taking a step closer.
He bunches his shoulders and seems to fold in on himself, even though he’s still hard and brutal and strong. He’s still the predator, the hunter, but at the moment, he’s subdued. He has his prey in the crosshairs, but he can’t pull the trigger.
I reach up and run my knuckles down his cold cheek.
His skin is so soft, right before my finger hits the burning sandpaper of stubble.
I sweep my finger over to his lips. They’re cold too, and up close I can see the blue tinge bordering the dull pink.
His nostrils flare right before I stand on my toes and stretch up, as far as I can reach.
Even though he doesn’t bend, somehow, it’s far enough, and I’m able to graze my lips over his.
“You said I wasn’t ready last night. But I am. I am, Gage. I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care where you came from. I don’t care. I just want to save you. The same way you saved me. I’ve been running for so long, I have no idea what it means to actually stop. To stay. I- god- I just…”
As though I’ve poked a sleeping bear one too many times, Gage roars to life in front of me. He captures my hands in his, fire and smoke burning bright in his coal black eyes. “You want to save me? Save me, Ami? You can start by kissing me properly…”
He smashes his lips to mine, a punctuation to his lethal statement and this time, I know there isn’t any stopping or going back. No retreating. No running.
This time, when our demons come, I’ll turn, sword in my hand, and I’ll be ready for them, because this time, I’m no longer alone.