Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
ALEX
When I get home from practice, Lily’s sitting in the lounge with Hank.
“Hey” is all I can muster.
I don’t want to see anyone associated with Stella right now.
It’s been a couple of weeks since she dumped me, and I still feel like shit.
That shit feeling has infiltrated into my entire life too.
I’ve been choking at all of my games, so much so Coach is about ready to bench me.
I flunked a test in my communications class, and I’m going to flunk one in calculus.
I don’t care anymore. When will I ever fucking use calculus in my life?
Never, that’s when. It’s all fucking bullshit.
“How are you doing, Alex?”
Oh crap, she’s talking to me. “Fine.”
“Just fine?”
Please make her stop. “Yeah, just fine.”
“Did you know that Stella and I finally got to move into our dorm at Hinman?” she mentions in a singsong way.
“Good for you.” I can’t muster up any excitement about that news. I haven’t seen the girl but once in the stairwell. I figured she’d fallen off the face of the earth. Fine by me.
Lily interrupts my internal rant when she says, “And her mom is doing much better, by the way.”
“Oh yeah, good to know.” What is she talking about? What was wrong with Stella’s mom? I want to know, but I don’t want to ask. That’ll start an entire conversation that I don’t want to have. But today isn’t my day, I guess. She keeps going.
“Yeah, they were all scared. They thought it was a heart attack. It was touch and go. Her dad rushed her to the ER, you know, on the morning of the homecoming game. You knew that’s why she wasn’t at your game, didn’t you?”
“No, I didn’t know that,” I reply curtly.
“Yep, Bradley got a call from his mom and rushed over to Stella’s place to get her. They didn’t want her driving herself because she was so upset. Can you imagine?”
What is this girl up to? “Sure. I can imagine,” I say as deadpan as possible.
“It’s a good thing too. She was beside herself. Then, when she realized that she left her phone back at her dorm, she was really freaked out. I had no idea anything was happening until late Sunday night.”
“Uh-huh,” I mutter absently. So, that’s why she didn’t get a hold of me. It doesn’t explain why she got back together with—wait a second…. “That bitch!” I shout.
“What?” Lily says, startled.
“Brooke. That fucking bitch told me that Stella left with Bradley because they’d gotten back together that morning.”
Lily looks completely shocked. “She did? Why would she do that? Well, besides that fact that she’s the fucking devil.”
“Dude, I told you she was bad news,” Hank reminds me.
“So, Stella didn’t get back together with Bradley? All this time I thought they were back together.” I’m rambling now and talking to no one in particular.
“She never got back together with Bradley. Why would she? She loved you.”
“Loved?” I say weakly.
“You broke her heart, Alex. She’s been a wreck. I can barely get her to leave our dorm room, and it’s been days. Hell, it’s been weeks. She missed an entire week of class after she caught you coming out of her bathroom. Brooke told her that you two—”
“No! Nothing happened. I passed out on the couch. That’s it.”
“He’s been miserable too, baby,” says Hank to Lily.
“I know, but he had Brooke to help soothe his wounds.”
“I didn’t sleep with her! I didn't touch the bitch.”
“I don’t know if Stella will believe that. You were pretty mean to her on the phone. You left her a very nasty message.”
“I did? I was wasted. What did I say? Do I want to know?”
“Probably not, but you should so you know what you’re up against. You told her you were glad to be rid of her ‘fat, ugly face.’”
“No! No way! I love her face. It’s not fat. And it sure as fuck isn’t ugly. It’s beautiful.” I actually whine that last part.
“You’re trying to convince the wrong person, Alex.
But if it were me, I don’t think I’d believe that you didn't mean it. Stella has heard negative things about her body all her life. She’s got thin skin when it comes to the people who are supposed to love her saying shit like that.
She’s not going to rebound from that one like normal girls. ”
Normal girls? What does that even mean? Stella’s a regular girl.
Well, not regular––she’s special, and I totally fucked up with her.
I feel burning behind my eyes. I’ve been miserable for weeks, and it’s all my own fault.
I could have prevented all of this. “I have totally and completely fucked up. What do I do? Where is she? What’s your room number?
Is she home?” The questions pour out of me as I beg Lily for information.
“Hold on, Alex. You can’t just run over there and expect her to just accept what you’re saying. You need a plan, man,” says Hank.
“Fuck the plan. I need my girl back. I’ve been such an idiot. What happens if she doesn’t take me back?”
I’m crying? I’m actually crying right here in front of Hank and Lily, but I don’t care. This has been the worst time of my life. I love that girl so much, and she loved me––past tense. Surely she still loves me somewhere down deep. I mean, I was her first. And I will be her last, goddamn it.
“Where is she, Lily?”
“Room 216.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t fuck this up, dude,” warns Hank.
I hope I don’t. I throw on my hoodie and race out the door.
I’m going to have to figure out a way to convince her to take me back.
She has to. I pick up the pace as I rush to Hinman.
I can’t get there soon enough. Stella, please be there.
Please be there. I enter Hinman and search for the stairs.
I take them two at a time to the second floor and race down the hall, searching for room 216.
When I find it, I stop to catch my breath.
A plan. Hank said I needed a plan. But I can’t think of anything but seeing her face.
When I raise my hand to knock, I hear music coming from her room.
Aw, fuck, it’s Adele. I can hear her singing along with the music.
I hate that she’s listening to heavy shit instead of her happy Meghan Trainor playlist. I know I’m the cause of her sadness.
I haven’t been the guy she deserves. But that’s all going to change right now.
I can’t wait any longer. Instead of knocking, I try the doorknob.
It turns. It’s not locked. Damn it. She needs to lock her damn door.
It’s not safe. Gingerly, I open the door, revealing the view of Stella’s back.
I stand there for a few seconds to really look at her.
She’s wearing some type of baggy shorts and a T-shirt.
They’re both paint stained; she looks beautiful.
Her hair has grown a little since I last saw her.
I like it, but I liked it shorter too. She’s holding a paintbrush in her right hand as she sways to the music and sings along.
Man, that girl cannot sing, but she can move that body of hers.
As I slowly walk up behind her, she visibly stiffens.
I don’t want to scare her. Maybe I should have tried to call first?
She stops moving and stands with her back to me.
I move as close to her as I can, our bodies almost touching.
“Stella,” I whisper that so softly I’m not sure she can hear me.
She takes a deep breath; she heard me. I wrap my arms around her waist and sway to the music. She crosses her arms in front of herself, stiffening slightly. I can tell she’s uncomfortable with my hold on her, but I don’t let go.
“What are you doing here, Alex?”
“I’m a fucking idiot, Stella.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But you didn’t answer me. What are you doing here?”
I laugh a little at that as I take her right hand. I place the paintbrush on her dresser and turn her around to face me.
“I just saw Lily. She told me that you'd moved over here. She also told me about your mom. I hope she’s doing better.”
“She is, thanks.”
“She also told me why you missed my game that day and why you hadn’t called or sent me a text.”
“I would have told you those things if you’d given me a chance. Even when you came out of the bathroom, you could have asked me. I would have answered even though my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I would have told you.”
“I went to your place after the game. I was worried about you. I knew you wouldn’t miss it without a good reason. I thought you were hurt or sick.”
“I wasn’t. My mom was.”
“I know that now. But when I came to your door, Brooke answered. She told me that you had gone home with Bradley, that you had taken him back.”
“What? Why would she say that?”
Oh, I know why. “Because she’s a jealous, evil bitch,” I spit.
“You seemed to like her just fine that night.”
“I didn’t do anything with her, Stella.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I understand why you would hesitate to believe me, but I would never touch that girl. I was drunk, and I passed out on your sofa. That’s it.”
“Your shirt was off, and your pants were undone.”
“Yes, they were. I took a quick shower at your place and hadn’t put my shirt back on when I saw you. But I sure as hell didn’t touch her.” I look into her eyes. I need to know. “Stella, you avoided me the entire week after we made love. I thought you had changed your mind about me after that.”
“Me? I wasn’t avoiding you. That’s not how that happened.
When we woke up the next morning, after we…
you know, you could barely look at me. You didn’t try to touch me.
You practically threw my clothes at me to get me out of there.
What was I supposed to think? I’d never had sex with a guy to know what the protocol was the next morning. ”
“I’m sorry, babe,” I plead.
“Do not call me ‘babe.’” Wow, I’ve never seen Stella this angry. “You don’t get to do that anymore.”
“I don’t?” Damn, that makes me feel like shit.
“And you said I had a… a…”—I watch her attempt to hold back tears—“f-f-fat u-ugly f-f-face.”
Holy hell, she’s shaking. I don’t know if she’s shaking with anger or sadness. What the hell do I do?
“Leave. That’s what you do.”
I guess I said that last part out loud.
“No, let me—”
“Alex, please leave.”
“I can’t leave you, angel.”
“Nope, no ‘angel’ either. No ‘angel,’ no ‘babe,’ no ‘princess,’ and no ‘Pixie’! Just go. I can’t deal with this again. I can’t go through it again. I was starting to get back to normal. Now I have to start all over again. Fuck!”
I swear to all that is holy, I want to fix this. I want to pick her up and cradle her like a baby. So, that’s what I do. I reach down and pick her up and draw her to my chest. I turn and sit on her bed.
“Stop it, leave me alone. I’m too heavy. My fat, ugly face is going to break your legs.”
“Stop saying that, damn it. I was drunk. I was trying to say something, anything that would hurt you as much as you’d hurt me.
That’s all. I love your face. It’s not fat, and it’s definitely not ugly.
I told you. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
I love your face, almost as much as I love you. ”
Now I’m fucking crying. Jesus. I need to hand in my man card.
But she’s worth losing it for. I don’t care.
I love this girl. If something is meant to last, we’ll have to see each other at our best and at our worst. This is a worst, for sure.
I lift her so she’s straddling my lap and pull her as close to my chest as I can as I wrap my arms around her.
I hear her sniffle, but I don’t think she realizes I’m crying too.
After a few minutes, I can tell she’s started to calm down a little bit.
I reach up and move her hair from her beautiful face. That’s when she sees my tears.
“You’re crying?” she asks, looking surprised.
“Yes, I’m crying because our breakup could have been avoided if I had just talked to you that Sunday morning.
And I’m crying because I love you and because the last weeks without you have been the worst of my life.
I thought I’d lost you forever to Brad. I fell in love with you the second you wrapped your little arms around me, Stella.
You make me feel like I can do anything as long as you’re with me.
I can’t sleep without you. I’m so tired, ba—sorry.
” I almost said “babe.” “I’m just so tired and lost without you.
” I am lost without her. Everything I said was the absolute truth.
“God, Stella, I’m so sorry that I hurt you. ”
“You are?”
“Yes, I am, ba—please, can I call you ‘babe’?”
“Okay,” she says hesitantly.
“What about ‘Pixie’?”
“Yeah.”
“Angel?”
“Maybe.”
“Princess?”
“I guess.”
“Thank God, I hope this means that we can start from here. Are you taking me back, giving me another chance, Stella?”
“I guess so. But I’m scared, Alex. I’m not sure I trust your feelings yet. I mean, I’m always going to wonder if you really like how I look after what you said on the phone that night.”
“I know. I’m so sorry for that, angel. You’re so beautiful, every single part of you. I just lashed out at you and used the one thing that I knew would hurt you the most. I promise I’ll never say or do anything like that again.”
“You should know, I may get even bigger. There are no guarantees that I’ll ever lose weight or even stay the same.
I can’t be with you if you’re going to make my appearance an issue.
I’ve lived with someone like that my entire life, and I won’t do it again.
So, if you have any reservations, you should leave now,” she says confidently.
I place my hand behind Stella’s head, beneath her hair, and pull her to me.
I whisper in her ear, “Stella, I don’t care if you gain a thousand pounds. It’s never going to change how I feel about you. I suspect you’ll gain weight when you’re carrying my babies. I can’t wait to see you like that, to be honest,” I say, smiling.
“What? Babies? I, uh, can’t even think about that right now.”
“I know. I just wanted to let you know that I want those things with you, Stella. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.
I’ve imagined our life together, and it makes me excited about our future.
God, Stella, I’ve missed you so much. I’ve missed kissing your beautiful lips. I’ve missed everything about you.”
“Kiss me, Alex.”
I lean down slowly. I want to remember this moment.
The moment my girl took me back. I’ll never let her get away from me again.
Stella is it for me. She’s my beginning and my end.
I just hope she’ll come to realize that.
I hope I’m her beginning and her end. My lips touch hers, and it’s like fireworks.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt her against me and since I’ve touched her.
Too damn long. She’s kissing me back like she’s been in the desert and I’m water. I feel the same.