CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
“Whoa,” Tanner said as Leif put his head on his knees and started breathing hard. “What is happening here? Are you having another panic attack?”
“No,” Leif muttered. “Just go.”
“I’m not fucking going anywhere, Princess.” Tanner scooted closer. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Well, too bad. You’re gonna do it anyway. And like, you’re gonna need to breathe too.”
Leif huffed, lifting his head. “Fuck you.”
Tanner grinned. “There he is. Okay, so like, whatever I said just fucked you up. Why?”
“You said you don’t know,” Leif pointed out.
“Well sure,” Tanner said. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know anything. But we can figure it out.”
“Figure what out?” Leif said slowly.
“What works for us.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, Princess.” Tanner pressed a kiss to Leif’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I freaked you out. Look, I don’t know what I want in a relationship because I’ve never wanted to have one until now. But the cool thing is, all we have to do is talk about it.”
“Okay,” Leif said slowly, still feeling a little strange and shaky.
“But I’m cold, I’m covered in cum, and slightly drunk, and starving. So maybe we should do something about that first?”
“Probably,” Leif agreed, wincing. Because how fucked up was he that Tanner had figured all that out before him?
“So what order do we do this in?” Tanner popped to his feet and held out a hand.
Leif let him drag him to his feet. “Well, I ordered delivery a while ago. The lasagna might be a little dried out because I’ve been keeping it warm in the oven, but …”
“Don’t care,” Tanner said, “I’d eat cardboard right now.”
Leif made a face. “Shower first, I think? Then we’ll hydrate and eat.”
“In bed,” Tanner said. “We’ll do it in bed and then we’ll talk, okay?”
“Okay.”
It was better in the shower because Tanner was pressed close, the air warm and thick around them from the humidity. Leif closed his eyes and just let himself touch Tanner. Let himself slide his palms along his tight muscles and reassure himself that this wasn’t over.
It wasn’t over and they could figure it out. That was what Tanner said although he didn’t know shit about anything besides hockey, really. Leif was going to have to trust him anyway.
“You have anxiety?” Tanner asked quietly.
Leif nodded, his eyes still closed, his cheek pressed to Tanner’s damp hair.
“How long?”
“Always,” Leif mumbled. “Since I was little. I used to freak out before games. Just totally fucking melt down. Or really, any time anything went sideways. I was just—it was bad.”
“But it got better?”
Leif lifted his head and squinted at him. “Did it look like it was better when you got here?”
“Well, no,” Tanner said. “But like, I’ve also never seen you freak out like that. Does it happen a lot? Were you hiding it from me before?”
“No,” Leif said slowly. “No, I wasn’t hiding it. It’s not that bad. Usually.”
He had … systems for dealing with it. “My parents helped me. They found ways I could cope. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a long time and I have like—things that help.”
“Like what?” Tanner ran his palms along Leif’s arms and he shivered.
“Like … breathing exercises and tapping and all sorts of things. I can—I can send you some articles.”
“Okay. Um, have any podcasts? My brain just kinda shuts down when I read articles and stuff.”
“I can find some podcasts,” Leif said slowly. “You really want to know about it?”
“Duh. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I dunno. No one else really …”
There was a reason he didn’t usually let anyone get close enough to see all this. It was about hockey, of course, but it was more than that.
“Well I do.” Tanner pressed a smacking kiss to his collarbone, clocking Leif in the jaw with his head as he pulled back.
Leif smiled anyway.
“Um, can I ask you something?” Tanner asked.
“Sure?” Leif said warily.
“Is it possible you’re also on the spectrum? Like, sometimes people deal with both, yeah?”
“It’s possible,” Leif admitted. “I don’t know. When I was little, they just thought it was anxiety but sometimes I’ve wondered.”
“Because there was this guy down in Concord—”
Leif made a face.
“No, listen,” Tanner said. “We fucked around for a bit when I was down there and he was like, legit diagnosed with autism. Some of the stuff you do and say reminds me of him. I didn’t really put the pieces together until tonight.”
“Okay,” Leif said. “Great.”
Tanner rolled his eyes. “Babe. Princess, listen to me. It’s cool. Whatever you are. Whatever your brain is doing, I love you.”
“Yeah?” Leif said, his eyes watering and his throat thick because fuck, this was a lot. This was, like … way too much. But good. Also good.
“Yeah. But, like, I wanna help.” Tanner reached out and squeezed Leif’s ass and it shouldn’t be comforting but weirdly, it was.
“Okay,” Leif said.
“Yeah?” Tanner beamed at him. “So you just tell me if my shit makes your shit worse, okay?”
“Uhh,” Leif said, wiping water from his nose. “I mean, it kinda does? But also, I love you too and I want to help you.”
“Help me?”
Leif cupped Tanner’s face and looked him in the eye. “You know you have ADHD, right? Literally all of the signs are there.”
Tanner made a face. “I mean, probably. But, like … so what? I can’t take meds—”
“Not stimulants.” Leif turned away, reaching for the bodywash. “But there are non-stimulants. We’ll have to look into if they’re allowed but even if they aren’t, there are so many things that would help you. All kinds of systems.”
“I’m bad at those,” Tanner said flatly.
“You make it to practice and games. You already have coping mechanisms. You might just not realize that’s what they are.”
“They … sometimes work,” Tanner said. “Sometimes I’m late. And sometimes I forget to call my boyfriend, and I make him freak out that I’m with someone else.”
Leif smiled because Tanner had called him his boyfriend. And he was going to tell the corner of his brain telling him that they weren’t even together and had no idea how to be together when they didn’t even know what they wanted to shut the fuck up. At least for now.
“So I can help you,” Leif said.
“You’ll help me and I’ll help you?”
“Well,” Leif said, “it’s better than neither of us doing anything, right?”
“Yeah.” Tanner flashed him a bright smile. “It totally is.”
Later, when they were dry and buried under a mound of blankets, eating lasagna with crisp edges out of the foil pan and salad from a Styrofoam container that kept threatening to topple over, Tanner smiled at Leif.
He looked so fucking good. Like … relaxed. Way more relaxed than he had earlier.
“So, when did you know you loved me?”
Leif sat back against the headboard. “Uhh, well. Probably the first time we met up here at the apartment. You?”
“Earlier tonight.” Tanner stuck his fork in the pan and scooped up another chunk of meat sauce.
When he glanced up, Leif was staring at him with his mouth open. “What?”
“Tonight?” Leif sputtered. “Like … a few hours ago?”
“More than that,” Tanner said. “Like during the game. When you were getting all feisty with me.”
“That’s when you fell in love with me?”
“It’s when I realized I had fallen in love with you,” Tanner countered. “Pretty sure it happened before then, honestly.”
“Really?” Leif asked.
“Yep.”
“Huh.”
Tanner reached for the open sports drink on the nightstand and tipped it back.
“So I think my dad and Hawke might be fucking again.”
Tanner choked, lowering the bottle. Thank fuck he hadn’t taken a drink yet. “What?”
“Or maybe not still but …”
“No, back up,” Tanner said. “This is too random even for me. Explain.”
So Leif told Tanner about the way they were acting after the last game, all frosty and shit when they talked. “And tonight,” he continued, “I expected Dad to like—be really upset that I couldn’t hang out with him. I told him I had plans with the team that we were celebrating—”
“Oh shit, you didn’t get to celebrate with the boys that you made the playoffs!” Tanner frowned. “Dude, that sucks.”
Leif shrugged. “We lost tonight. Yeah, we made it in, but it was pretty much on a technicality. A few guys were going out but it didn’t really feel like anything worth celebrating anyway.”
“Anything can happen in the playoffs,” Tanner said.
“You’re such a hype guy,” Leif shot back.
Tanner shrugged. He’d been called worse.
“So anyway, I thought Dad would be bummed but he seemed all distracted when I was talking and he was looking at his phone while we talked. And then as I was leaving the arena, I saw Hawke acting weird in the hallway.”
“He’s a goalie,” Tanner said. “They’re always weird.”
“Okay, but … weirder than usual.”
“So they’re fucking.” Tanner shrugged. “You mad about it?”
“No.” Leif made a face. “Maybe? No. Not mad. Just … confused? Weirded out? Worried about him?”
“Your dad?”
“Honestly both,” Leif admitted. “Because literally the only thing holding this team together is Roman Poole and if his goalie coach is distracted or whatever, then that seems like it could be very bad for the team.”
“Or maybe Hawke and your dad are super happy and getting back together, which will make Hawke perform at his best and Roman Poole will be even better.” Tanner made a face. “Ugh. No. I don’t like that thought.”
“Are the playoffs gonna be weird for us?”
“Probably.” Tanner hooked his leg over Leif’s under the covers. “But we can do this.”
“Even though we—”
“Even then,” Tanner said because it didn’t matter what Leif was worried about. They had this. Well, it did matter. But they’d figure it out anyway. And he didn’t need to worry about it right this second.
Later, after Leif had dragged him to the bathroom to brush his teeth and Tanner had helped him put the leftovers away, they settled in bed.
“I have a spreadsheet for you, you know?” Leif said sleepily as Tanner turned out the light.
“A spreadsheet?” Tanner settled behind Leif, curving his body around his and breathing in his scent.
“I researched ADHD and I have links to resources and tips for all of the stuff you struggle with.”
Tanner smiled against the back of Leif’s neck. “Can you find podcasts instead?”
“Maybe not til after the playoffs.”
“That’s fair.” Tanner yawned. “Hey, did you know that I have a hamster in my head?”
“What?” Leif sounded more awake now.
“That’s what it feels like. My brain. Like there’s a little hamster on a wheel and he’s going nine zillion miles an hour.”
“Huh,” Leif said.
“His name is Clarence.”
“Huh,” Leif said again.
“What do you call the thing in your head?”
“I don’t have a thing in my head.”
“No? Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure,” Leif said drily. “It’s a lot of panic and overthinking but it doesn’t look like anything.”
“Oh.” Tanner fell silent. “That sounds boring and annoying.”
Leif sighed and rolled over, pressing his lips to Tanner’s temple. “I love you and Clarence. Now will both of you shut up and go to sleep?”
Tanner smiled and snuggled closer to Leif. “Okay.”
And they did.