CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
The flight back to New York was achingly quiet.
No one spoke and no one played cards. Leif sat next to Ian, repeatedly turning the game over in his mind. What if he’d played better? What if that deflection had gone in? What if he’d blocked more pucks …
He glanced down at his elbow. Okay, if he’d blocked more pucks, he might have wound up unable to shoot at all.
Of course, they were out of the playoffs now, so what did it matter if he broke his whole arm instead of just deadening the nerve at the worst possible time? He was feeling okay now. No permanent damage. He’d have a nasty bruise, despite icing it after the game, but what did any of that matter now?
They’d lost.
Leif swallowed thickly.
A moment later, a bag crinkled and one of the sour gummy peaches Salty liked so much appeared on his tray table. He glanced over at his seatmate but Salty didn’t even look up from his book.
Leif smiled faintly and took the candy, popping it into his mouth. He didn’t have that much of a sweet tooth, but he appreciated the gesture. Leif closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest, letting the sweet-sour sugar dissolve on his tongue until it was smooth.
He chewed it then, the thick, choking sadness abating a little when he was focused on the sweet, sugary fruit flavor.
“Thanks,” he whispered, without opening his eyes.
He felt the bump of Ian’s knuckles against the side of his thigh and managed a weak smile.
Leif had seen his dad for a few minutes.
After Leif had spoken to the media and gotten the X-ray and treatment, his dad had been patiently waiting outside. Leif had hugged him and thickly told him “Congratulations.” He’d meant it, but it still made his heart ache.
“You gonna be okay?” Aksel had asked with a frown.
Leif had nodded.
He’d wanted to see Tanner too, but it was both too raw and too risky. He loved Tanner but truthfully, he was a little relieved the Rockets had flown straight home tonight. Leif needed a moment to lick his wounds before he faced Tanner again.
It was too late for him to go to Worlds. Too late for him to redeem himself.
In a few days, in a week, he’d feel like himself again but for now everything felt flat and gray.
He’d spent his whole season—his whole career—working toward moments like this. And they’d gotten him nowhere.
And even if he knew that this postseason had been a gift—far more than the team really deserved based on how they’d been playing—it still stung.
They’d still failed.
Several days later, Leif squinted at the message on his screen in confusion. It was a text from Nicky to him and Ian, inviting them to a bar.
It was a queer bar in the East Village. Not the kind of place Leif ever frequented. And not the sort of place he would have pictured Nicky at either.
Ian, maybe, but given that he said he was kind of a homebody, that seemed unlikely too.
Leif texted out a reply and they all agreed on a time to meet. No one asked the question about what the hell this was all about.
Leif had dressed down but he still felt overdressed when he stepped inside the space. It wasn’t a dive bar or anything, but it was very much an ordinary sort of place. Most of the people there were just … regular people.
He flinched, half expecting to be recognized and have someone say something to him about the playoff loss or ask for an autograph. Maybe both. But although a few people turned to look at him curiously as he stepped inside, they quickly returned to their conversations.
One guy did give him a long, lingering eye-fuck, but that said more about his interest in Leif physically than any recognition of who he was or what he did for a living. He too turned away when Leif didn’t respond.
Leif’s shoulders lowered.
He was early. He knew that but he was still a little surprised when he glanced around the bar to see that neither Nicky nor Salty were there yet.
“Can I help you?” a man called out from behind the bar. He was a big guy, broad shouldered and thick through the middle. Handsome with a beard.
A bear then. Not really Leif’s type but very good-looking.
“I’m meeting friends,” Leif explained, resisting the urge to hunch his shoulders.
The guy shot him a brief smile. “Take a seat wherever you’d like. I’ll be over in a moment.”
Leif picked a booth where his teammates would be able to see him when he walked in but was relatively private.
It was the off-season now, so Leif ordered a white wine spritzer. When it arrived, he took a picture of it and sent it to Tanner who responded with a photo of his water bottle.
Leif smiled.
They hadn’t talked much since Leif got back to New York. Had mostly been communicating through pictures, actually. Which was probably driving Tanner a little nuts because he usually never shut up but Leif appreciated the little bit of space.
Tanner had actually handled this more maturely than he had. He’d sent Leif one single message after the game that said, Know u need space. Send 1 pic per day as proof of life until ur ready 2 talk. Luv u forever, Princess!
Leif would call him tomorrow, maybe. Once he was sure he wouldn’t let his hurt and disappointment over the loss bleed out into their relationship.
Leif had just lowered his phone again when Nicky walked through the door. He shot Leif a smile, then crossed the room to him.
“Hey.” Up close, Nicky looked tired and maybe a little stressed.
“Hey.” Leif slid out of the booth and rose to his feet. “Uhh, what’s up?”
“Not much.” Nicky reached out to give him a hug.
Well, that didn’t give Leif any better clue what this get-together was about, but he hugged his captain back and took a seat again. Of course, Ian arrived a few minutes later and Leif rose again and greeted him too, and it was a little while before they all had drinks in front of them.
“So why this place?” Ian asked Nicky when the bartender was gone. “I mean, it seems nice but it’s not … well, it doesn’t seem like your style, exactly.”
So Ian had noticed that too.
Nicky laughed. “Well, you know my friend Sebastian?”
“The one dating Luke Crawford?” Leif asked. Weirdly, after Crawford’s coming out, Leif had found out that the flowers he’d ordered for his mom’s birthday had come from Sebastian’s SoHo flower shop.
Small world, Leif supposed. Although now the hockey stick and puck in the logo made sense.
“Yes,” Nicky said. “Sebastian Breckon. We grew up in New York together and we have a small group of friends in the area who we meet up with here semi-regularly. Well, we did before Seb moved to Boston, anyway. Now it’s just when he’s in town visiting.
But he’s the one who discovered this place initially. ”
Nicky glanced around. “It’s nice. Good drinks, decent bar food, queer friendly.”
“So did he move to Boston to be with Crawford?” Ian asked before taking a sip of his drink.
“No.” Nicky smiled. “No, his sister has a sick kid and—”
“Oh, right, right,” Ian said. “The Harriers did the Make-A-Wish thing earlier this season.”
Leif looked at him and Ian shrugged. “I’m a sucker for kids and watch every video the league posts. Sue me.”
Nicky chuckled. “So anyway, he moved to Boston to help his sister and open a new shop location.”
“Yeah, but how did he go from yelling at Crawford in the box to uh, whatever it is they have going on?” Ian asked.
With a shrug, Nicky took a sip of his mocktail. “Hookup app.”
“No way,” Leif said. “Really?”
“Really.”
Ian made a face. “I can’t imagine fucking some dude who’s been chirping me in the stands.”
“I do not get it either,” Nicky said with a sigh. “If Seb’s happy, I’m happy for him, but …”
“How does a person have sex with someone they can’t stand?” Ian asked.
Leif focused intently on his drink and didn’t meet anyone’s gaze. He could answer that one, but he didn’t want to out him and Tanner. Although, maybe Tanner wouldn’t mind if he told these guys? Leif knew they could keep a secret.
He slipped his phone out and texted Tanner. Do you mind if I tell two teammates about us? I’ll swear them to secrecy.
Tanner replied almost immediately with a thumbs-up.
Leif smiled and sent a heart back. He realized the table had gone suspiciously silent and he tapped the Power button to shut off his screen, then set his phone on the table beside his drink. When he looked up, both of his teammates were staring at him.
“Leif,” Nicky said slowly. “Is there something you want to tell us?”
“Uhh.” Leif rubbed his neck. “Well, you see …”
His teammates both stared open-mouthed at Leif as he told them about his relationship with Tanner and their hopes for the future. He finished with, “So, you know, sometimes hate sex is just … hot. And sometimes you don’t hate someone as much as you maybe thought you did.”
Salty was still staring at him, open-mouthed, gaping like a goldfish, but Nicky leaned in, speaking in a low, urgent tone. “Dude. You mean there’s a chance we could get Tanner Clayton?”
Leif glanced around but although the bar was starting to fill up, no one was paying them any attention. “Yeah, maybe. I can’t promise anything. It’ll depend on if Racine is even willing to trade him. It’s gonna take a lot too. I don’t even know if we have the assets.”
“Yeah, but that could be huge,” Nicky said. “God knows we need the fucking help on the blue line.”
Ian made a face.
“Sorry,” Nicky said with a grimace. “Not to knock your contributions, but …”
“No, I get it.” Ian waved a hand and sighed. “I can’t hold it together all on my own. We saw how well that fucking worked in the playoffs.”
“God, can you imagine though?” Nicky said, staring into the distance like he was already picturing Tanner on the roster.
“It might take a while,” Leif pointed out. “Or Racine might not even go for it.”
At least he wasn’t the type to get petty about queer players, since he was queer himself. Surely he’d understand them wanting to play for the same team.
“Sure, that could happen. But if there’s even a chance …” Nicky shook his head. “Anyway, I guess that actually brings me to my point. Why I invited you guys here.”