Chapter 1 Neil #3
“Hey, there you are.” My brother grinned at me and threw a stuffed animal in my direction, which I dodged easily. I gave him a thin, sad smile and moved closer, my eyes locked on Chloe, who still seemed subdued. Alyssa abruptly cleared her throat and got up awkwardly, fixing her dress.
“I’ll let you all have a minute,” she said, correctly sensing that she was one person too many in that room. I lay down on the bed next to my siblings and let out a long sigh.
“Are you mad at me?” Chloe whispered as she cuddled closer to my chest, under her pink covers with the weird bunny-shaped pattern.
“I’m not mad, no. Blackout pissed? Yes.” I stroked her blond hair. She was sandwiched between me and Logan, and she looked back and forth at us. “But we’ll talk about all that tomorrow,” I continued wearily.
“That’s right. You’ll have to tell us everything,” Logan put in, propping himself up on his elbow.
“I shouldn’t have gone to the party. I don’t remember much. I drank something, and then I passed out, and when I woke up I was in that trunk, and…” Chloe began to sob, shaking like a leaf. Seeing the pain she was in only fueled my rage.
No one was ever supposed to lay a hand on my siblings.
“Shh… It’s over now.” I pressed a kiss to her hair. I could feel her tears wetting my neck and her fingers digging into my sweatshirt. I knew exactly what she was trying to say: “Stay here. With me.”
And I would.
For them, I would always stay.
I waited a while longer, stroking her hair until she had fallen into a deep sleep.
I disentangled myself and got up, antsy with the intense need to wash myself.
As if everything that had gone down in the past few hours wasn’t enough, my tics were flaring up again as if to remind me just how far I was from being a normal human being.
I left Chloe to Logan and shut myself up in my room.
I took a long shower and then put on a pair of black jeans with a black hoodie.
As I did so, I reflected on the encounter I’d just had with my father; his cruel words, my impenetrability…
and I smiled. I had grown accustomed to that treatment, his lack of care, and the intense disdain he reserved just for me for years and years now with no particular cause.
I had never understood what made him hate me so much.
I had been a pigheaded and rebellious child, sure, but certainly not enough to justify the level of animosity he had toward me.
I couldn’t remember getting so much as a hug from him nor the last time he’d acted like a father with me.
I hadn’t called him that since Kimberly was taken away.
The sound of my phone ringing cut through my musings. I quickly fixed my hoodie and walked over to the bed to grab the phone. I looked at the screen, dumbstruck—it was Selene.
For a second, I thought about rejecting the call or answering just to tell her not to fuck with me. I couldn’t decide which of the two options would be worse.
“Missing me already, Tinkerbell?” I answered finally with my characteristic cockiness, stuffing my pack of Winstons into my pocket.
I listened to her sigh on the other end of the phone, and it occurred to me that just hours had passed since I’d returned to New York. Yet she’d still felt the need to call me.
“You were pretty upset when you left. I wanted to know if everything was okay out there.” All I had to do was hear the delicate tone of her voice, and I felt a powerful shiver in my lower stomach.
“Yes, everything’s good.” I decided not to tell her about Player because I didn’t want to worry her. When I told her, I’d be looking in her eyes. I’d be able to reassure her. “And I already told you: I never call a woman after spending the night with her,” I pointed out.
Though we’d had outstanding sex in Detroit, and I’d had a phenomenal orgasm thanks to her, I didn’t want her to have any illusions.
Truthfully, I had immediately regretted telling her about my sexual dysfunction because I wasn’t used to trusting people or confiding in them things about my life that I considered personal.
With Selene, I was starting to open up too much, and that was unsettling for me.
“I’m not ‘a woman.’ I’m Selene Anderson,” she answered with a hint of humor that made me smile.
She wanted to hear me say that she was important, that she was the only one for me, but that was never going to happen.
Yes, I’d had experienced things with her that I’d probably never have with anyone else, but that didn’t mean anything to me.
“And you are my Disaster,” she added in an indulgent tone, and something rumbled in my chest.
Shit—what was this new feeling I was having?
For a second, I actually liked what she’d told me, then my rational mind took over and swept away any positive feelings I might have had.
“Seriously…yours?” I grimaced in irritation. I considered possessiveness an even worse sign than jealousy. It was a symptom of a deeper emotional entanglement, and that bothered me. I didn’t belong to her—I didn’t belong to anyone—and Selene had to understand that.
“I told you I wanted to be exclusive. You said you’d think about it,” Selene reminded me confidently.
Fuck, I’d completely forgotten that conversation.
It had just been a tossed-off answer. I vividly recalled the moment: We were lying in bed together, and I was exhausted.
All I wanted to do was sleep, and I needed her to stop asking me pointless questions, so I told her the first thing that popped into my head.
In reality, I thought it would be too difficult to actually quit fucking the blonds because they were as much a compulsion for me as the showers were.
I could have a serious meltdown if I wasn’t allowed to vent in the ways I’d learned.
“Do you know why this drama of ours is deathless?” I asked her, all in a rush, skipping over everything she’d just said. Selene didn’t say anything for so long that I had to check the phone’s display to make sure she hadn’t hung up on me.
“No, why?” she asked finally; her voice at least sounded curious.
“Because it’s me and the Boy. If I choose you, I’m abandoning him.
There’s never going to be a way out.” It was my circuitous way of telling her that I didn’t think I could do without my other lovers because so much more than sex was at stake.
“But…you could become a part of my madness, and we could be deathless together. What do you think?” I taunted her.
I was expecting a sarcastic comeback, but Selene’s long silence instead made me furrow my brow.
I imagined her, deeply reflective, her crystalline eyes pointed into the middle distance, her plush mouth pursed into a skeptical expression.
I would have kissed it—bitten it—if she were standing there in front of me.
“I think I entered into your madness a long time ago, and if that can make what we are together deathless, then I’m in,” she said eventually with all the determination that made her a woman. A real woman.
Babygirl was gentle and understanding, loving, and patient, but she was also stubborn and brave. She knew how messed up I was, and yet she still tried to banish her fears so she could stay by my side.
Feeling thoughtful, I walked out onto my room’s balcony and leaned my elbows against the railing, staring out over the backyard.
The freezing air stung my skin, but I didn’t care. I needed the cold to keep my head clear.
“After how I fucked you that last time, you should want nothing to do with me,” I told her harshly.
That’s what I would have done in her position. I would have gotten as far away from me as possible and tried to forget about the whole insane scenario.
“But I…” She cleared her throat. “…liked it.”
I could hear how embarrassed she was.
Despite the fact that I’d probably spent more time with her naked than dressed, Babygirl still retained her sense of modesty and shyness.
“I believe it; you came more than once,” I said just to needle her a little bit more and was rewarded with her response.
“Neil!” she shrieked, and I broke into laughter. I’d never stop finding her adorable. She was so honest, so genuine, and, at times, so funny that she made all my worries disappear. At least for a moment.
“I still remember your first time, you know,” I told her abruptly, sinking into the memory.
“You telling me to be gentle, and me not knowing how to do that. I just kept thinking, You and I shouldn’t have a fucking thing to do with each other.
” Those words were supposed to remain inside my head—be just for me—but, to my surprise, I had blurted them out without a second thought.
I scrubbed a hand over my face, realizing that this whole situation had gotten out of hand and was edging into disaster territory.
I was faced with just two options: I could let Selene go, or I could be a selfish bastard and continue taking pleasure in her.
I knew that the first choice was the right choice, but I kept leaning toward the second, much worse option.
“Fate is unpredictable,” Babygirl answered, drawing me back to our conversation.
“And cruel, sometimes,” I added, knowing that she deserved more than me and that I was never going to change. I couldn’t predict the future, but I strongly suspected that if we let this madness go on between us, neither of us was going to end up happy. Especially not her.
With that realization, my mood shifted, and I stood up straight before walking back into my room.
“I have to go now,” I concluded coldly, making it clear to her that I didn’t want to talk anymore.