Chapter 4 Selene
“I had to stop wondering if, one day, he might be able to love me.”
Selene
Alyssa left Detroit the following morning.
I hadn’t asked her any more questions about the kiss with Neil, but I hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep either.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d said to him on the phone.
I’d told him I was going to stop chasing him, that I was afraid of him and the pain he might bring to the people around him, including me.
But Neil didn’t care about the people around him. And he’d hung up on me, which surely meant that he agreed with my decision and didn’t feel I even deserved a verbal answer.
At the moment, however, I had a different problem: my mother.
She’d overheard my late-night phone call—or, rather, my outburst of suffering—and she seemed determined not to talk to me about it.
“Mom…” I called out to her while she poured herself a cup of coffee.
We were both standing in the kitchen, me still in my pajamas. Mom had to go into the university in about an hour.
“What is it?” she answered shortly. I frowned; it was out of character for her to snap at me like that.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” I asked, taking a bite of yesterday’s cherry pie.
“You know what’s wrong, Selene. That boy is no good for you,” she said, like it was an indisputable fact. I just knew that she was going to get the wrong idea about him after last night. Neil was an asshole—I certainly thought so—but he wasn’t all bad.
“Mom, you shouldn’t make too much of what you overheard last night,” I told her, preparing my defense of Neil, no matter how ridiculous it was of me to do that, considering how I’d just told him where he could get off the night before.
I should have been agreeing with everything she said, but, once again, I was setting myself against everything and everyone to protect him.
“Oh, I shouldn’t, should I? He kissed his brother’s girlfriend.
That is not a normal thing to do. If he’s willing to hurt someone who is so dear to him, I can’t imagine what he would be willing to do to you!
” she insisted in a rush of worry. I understood where she was coming from.
She was my mother, and she was afraid for me, but the irrational part of me stubbornly insisted that I could bring out Neil’s human side.
“He didn’t do it to hurt Logan on purpose. Or me. He wouldn’t do that,” I answered. And it was true, in a way. He wouldn’t hurt me; he’d just touch me in that savage way of his and make me want him to the point of madness.
“Are you sure about that?” she asked skeptically. No, I wasn’t at all sure.
After all, I’d been through a lot because of Neil, and I’d never even told her about most of the things that had happened in New York: his little performance with Britney in the pool house and his insane proposition of a three-way with him and Jennifer on Halloween night…
Neil had an incredible capacity for doing me harm.
“Yes,” I answered, but only to reassure her.
My mother shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation.
“You have completely lost the plot over this guy. You aren’t seeing him clearly, and that’s a major problem,” she scolded me.
She was right about that too: I was completely gone for Neil.
I’d fallen victim to his shadowy charm, just like all the others.
“Relax, I know what I’m doing,” I insisted, pretending at a certainty I didn’t feel. In reality, I had no idea what I was doing.
Just last night, I had convinced myself that I was done with him for good, that I was going to be rational and see Neil for what he was: a bad risk. Yet, I still thought about him all the time, missed him, and was already regretting tearing into him before hearing him out.
“No, I don’t think you do,” my mother argued, but I had already decided the conversation was over. I stood up and headed for the stairs. I needed to shower and get dressed for the day.
“Selene Anderson, I’m not done with you! Get back here right now!” she called after my retreating back.
I ignored her.
* * *
That evening was the fabled party at the Delta Psi house.
Janel and Bailey were in my room, much more enthusiastic about that fact than I was.
I really didn’t feel like getting ready and going out, but I understood that it was a rare and exclusive opportunity: It wasn’t every day that one got to step foot in the basketball team’s holy temple.
“Imagine Tyler’s face when he sees me,” Bailey said, lying on her stomach on my bed, ankles crossed behind her and her chin propped up on her hands.
She had put her red hair up in a high ponytail and had more makeup on than usual, highlighting her mouth in particular with cherry red lipstick.
The vibe of the party was casual, so she had gone with a pretty simple outfit: a pair of light-wash jeans and a sweatshirt with…
“Was it really necessary to wear the team’s merch to the party?” Janel asked, making me laugh. She was wearing blue pants and a thin black sweater with shiny beading along the neck and sleeves.
“Of course, it is. I need Tyler to notice me,” Bailey answered, with eyes on the prize as always.
“He’s going to sleep with someone at this party, and it’s for sure not going to be you,” Janel shot back in yet another attempt to make our mutual friend open her eyes to Tyler Traborn’s terrible reputation.
But Bailey seemed unwilling to accept the reality that the most she could ever expect from him was to be used like a sex toy before being replaced by the next girl who came along.
“I know for a fact that he wants me. Deep down, he loves me,” Bailey answered dreamily, and Janel shook her head in resignation.
I, meanwhile, sat down at my vanity to finish putting on my makeup.
Usually, I only put it on when I knew I’d be seeing Neil, but I had recently decided that it wasn’t right for me to neglect my appearance just because he wasn’t around.
I was a woman, and I was about to go to a party, so I needed to hide the dark circles under my eyes as well as the hickeys on my neck.
I touched them gently with my index finger, and an odd, warm sensation made me squirm in my seat.
I could still feel his kisses on my skin, his hands clutching me possessively. My desire for him was damaging.
I felt truly pathetic.
“Your eyes look like two shining beacons,” Bailey joked, and I looked at her reflection in the mirror. All I’d done was apply volumizing mascara and some soft eyeshadow, but I was pleased with the result: It was delicate yet eye-catching.
“Yeah, you look good,” Janel put in, taking stock of my outfit: a thin white sweater with a black, high-waisted skirt, black thigh-highs, and tall boots with a modest heel. My hair fell in soft waves down my back, and my bangs were artfully arranged to hide the scar on my forehead.
All in all, I thought I was looking sensual without being tacky, which was just how I liked it.
“You too,” I answered, getting to my feet. I got my winter coat and my purse out of the closet before dabbing some perfume on my neck with a sigh. I was ready for a fun night out. The conversation with my mother that morning had brought down the mood, and I hoped going out might do me some good.
About fifteen minutes later, we were headed for the Delta Psi house.
We rode in Janel’s car because Ivan was apparently already there with the rest of the basketball team.
As usual, Bailey was by far the most excited.
“God! I’m so psyched!” she exclaimed from her spot in the back seat.
I glanced at Janel as she threw our companion a flat look.
“Girl, get a hold of yourself,” she chided Bailey as she parked on the side of the street behind a series of expensive cars.
We got out of the car, and all at once, I got the same uncomfortable, on-edge feeling that I always had before a party or a night out.
Before us sprawled the Delta Psi house, with its large front lawn and music pumping out through the closed windows and doors.
It was a grand old place—historic, but much larger and flashier than my mother’s house.
We passed a cluster of guys smoking on the front porch, and they gave us appraising looks before greeting Janel, whom, of course, they all knew.
When we got inside, I finally got why everyone was slavering to get into the place.
There was a large atrium that was shockingly clean and well-appointed for a frat house.
The decor was club-lite—a mix of luxury with a little bit of flash.
There were leather sofas and armchairs scattered around the main room along with a few small tables here and there.
There was a built-in bar with several bottles of alcohol on display beneath a big flat screen that was currently playing one of the team’s old games.
There was even a DJ at a booth playing pop songs.
Through an open door, I glimpsed a pool table in the next room with a few people gathered around it for a game.
“Well, what do you think?” Janel muttered into my ear, and for a moment, I didn’t know what to say.
There were athletes everywhere in their signature team sweatshirts and hoodies.
Clusters of guys chatted with female students in the atrium as well as the other rooms. The girls, in turn, laughed at the merest suggestion of any joke and batted their eyelashes, trying to make themselves more desirable to the basketball stars.
“It’s…something,” I managed.