Chapter 6 Neil #4
“I can’t, Selene.” I was dead set against changing my outlook.
“Kim damaged me, I… I’m not capable of love, not the way you think of it.
Love, for me, is something bad. Something that destroyed me before…
” I rested my hand on her hip and tried to push her away from me.
Her shirt, however, lifted slightly with the movement, allowing me to touch her and ruining any chance I had of resisting.
My fingers seemed to burn as they moved over her hot skin.
“I don’t want a love story, Neil.” She pushed back, looping her arms around my neck and standing up on her tiptoes.
“I want you to be able to talk to me and share whatever you want only with me. Even if it’s wild, obscene sex…
Whatever you want. I want to know you inside and out.
I’m not asking you to love me or to be my man.
I don’t want to become a couple,” she said clearly, and I was relieved.
“I’m asking you for more. I want to be in the fight with you.
I want to see you live and dream. I want to watch you destroy the gilded cage you’re trapped inside and take to the sky.
I want to watch you demolish the past and build your future.
I want to see you find a new light. I want to see you find yourself and discover the thing inside you that is worth fighting for.
It doesn’t matter if there’s no place for me in that future…
” She cupped my face in her hands, not allowing me to look away from her sincere, anguished eyes.
“I just want you to get better. Let me be with you and take whatever you can give to me. I won’t ask any more of you than that,” she pleaded, and the tears she’d been keeping back for so long finally slipped down her cheeks.
I caught them with my thumbs. I hated it when a woman cried, and I hated it even more when that woman was her.
“You promised you wouldn’t cry for me again,” I said as her feet sank back down to the earth, just like I hoped her fantasies would. Babygirl was dreaming too big. But I couldn’t just play the bastard again, no matter how strong the urge to drive her away might have been.
So I just sighed. “Okay. Be with me. That’s it, nothing more.
” I gave in without really knowing myself what it would mean.
I was uncertain because I’d never confined myself to a relationship before.
From what I could surmise, that’s what our arrangement would be even if it was different from other relationships in many respects.
She had to at least understand that I couldn’t be exclusive with her, right? Or was my fidelity also part of the package?
I chose not to ask her.
“Now get off my back and cut the cutesy shit. You’re getting on my nerves.” I nudged her gently aside to reclaim my space. Selene invaded it sometimes, stealing my breath and seeming to take up the room of a formidable giant rather than the Tinkerbell that she was…
“Thank you,” she said, smiling like the happiest woman in the world. She gave a little bounce before frowning.
Did fairies bounce too?
“Can I touch you?” she asked immediately, like I hadn’t just told her to get away from me.
“No,” I answered brusquely.
“A kiss?” she pressed.
“I said no.” I shook my head as I took a step back.
Air. I needed to get some air.
Too much had happened in the last few hours, and I needed to be alone with my thoughts for a while.
“A hug?” she asked again, and I patted my jeans pockets searching for my cigarettes. How long had it been since I’d had a smoke? This girl made me lose all track of time.
“No, Selene! For fuck’s sake, no!” I shouted at her in exasperation.
I had no urge to hug her, but the urge to fuck her again…that was strong.
It was always strong, nearly uncontrollable.
I needed to get my shit together and get my carnal instincts in check, not pop an inopportune hard-on.
First things first: I was going to go to that guest room and take another shower, and then I was going to have a cigarette and get into bed, where I could gather my thoughts.
My mood had shifted too rapidly in too short a time; my actions flirted with madness, and worst of all, I’d actually told her about Kim.
Shit.
I absolutely had to regain control of myself, my life, and all that chaos that inevitably gravitated to me.
I didn’t want to take out my frustration on her and treat her like a mere object again.
I’d railed her up against that wall because I was out of my mind with anger, and now that I could think clearly again, I regretted letting my impulses control me.
“I’m going to the room. Try to stay away from me at least until morning. I need to be alone,” I told her with conviction. I had flown in from New York with no warning just to be with her, and now I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from her as possible.
Selene just nodded, her cheeks rosy and her eyes bright. She fingered her long ponytail, looking anxious but elated at the same time. I had no idea what had put her in such a mood, and I didn’t investigate further.
Instead, I examined her sinuous form, covered too completely by clothing, and lingered on her fuzzy slippers, which could put a damper on any sexual fantasy.
She noticed my downcast gaze and blushed harder.
I, on the other hand, just peered down my nose at her with a grimace of distaste before walking off down the hallway, away from her and her decidedly horrible footwear…
* * *
I passed a sleepless night.
I took another shower and smoked almost an entire pack of Winstons.
I couldn’t get a wink of sleep with the knowledge that I’d given Babygirl such an important piece of me.
I had a strange feeling, like my privacy had been violated, even though I was the one who had told her what really happened.
I was a walking contradiction at that point: I was constantly telling Selene that we couldn’t be together, but on the other hand, I never rejected her attentions or her attempts to keep up with me, to move at my pace into the kind of darkness that would have scared off any other woman.
Even worse, I seemed to be developing a fear that Babygirl was going to figure out that I was all wrong for her and get tired of chasing after me.
I had realized that I didn’t want her to abandon me.
Drifting through the noxious inner workings of my own mind, I stood frozen in front of the open window, naked and still wet from the shower.
My skin gave off the scent of the shower gel I’d used…
It wasn’t my usual kind, but the smell was not unpleasant, and most importantly, it was clean.
I waited for the sunrise, like I so often did. I believed that, by doing so, I could anticipate my fate for the day and change it, even if nothing actually fucking happened.
The world remained the same, just like people remained the same and my life and even me.
The days crawled by, childhood memories pressing down on my soul, and sooner or later, I was going to have to let go of my last hopes for a better future.
I took one last drag from my cigarette and released a plume of smoke into the air. I soaked in the cold that was all around me. The room was almost completely dark, and so were my eyes as I stared into the void, trying to see myself there. A self that I was never going to find.
I passed a hand through my soft, disheveled hair.
The sides were short, just the way I liked them, but the quiff on top was getting long. I’d have to get it cut; it was always falling over my forehead.
Did Selene like it that way?
I smiled at the thought of me caring about her opinion on the matter.
I didn’t usually give a shit what women thought. I knew that I was attractive to them, that I exerted a certain allure for them, and that was enough for me, except when it came to my Tinkerbell.
I wanted to be perfect in her eyes.
I wanted my looks to be peerless as far as she was concerned.
I wanted to bind her to me, to show her that she would never find anyone else who could make her feel what I made her feel. Again, the enormous selfishness and ridiculousness of those thoughts occurred to me.
I was supposed to be letting her go, and instead I was trying to strategize some way to set her off balance before I went back to New York so she would be thinking of me even when I was far away. The same way I thought of her when I was trying to soothe myself in bed with other women.
Bored, I glanced at the clock on the dresser.
There were two hours and forty minutes before my flight; I had no more time to waste.
Reluctantly, I pulled on my clothes from the night before. I was used to changing clothes several times a day, usually after a shower, but at least the clean smell of them offset some of the urge to scrub the filth from my body.
I got myself in order and gathered up my things before slipping on my leather jacket and leaving the room.
I walked down the hallway and tossed a glance at the stairs that led to the upper floor, specifically to Selene’s room.
I had held back on bothering her in the night, but I wouldn’t have been at all disappointed to spend those hours with her—and certainly not “talking.” But she had, after all, complied with my wishes and had not sought me out, so I did the same and gave her time to process what had happened, both my insane reaction to seeing the basketball player and the deeply personal confession that had followed.
Feeling thoughtful, and as usual a little annoyed, I went into the kitchen just to get a quick drink of water before I left.
Instead, I was confronted with the sight of Ms. Martin, who appeared to have been waiting to deliver a dressing-down.
I froze, surprised to find her there, fully dressed, at that hour of the morning.
She stared back at me with her penetrating blue eyes, not at all surprised to see me in her kitchen.