Chapter 6 Neil #6
“You know, Ms. Martin,” I said, leaning in toward her.
She tensed up, her shoulders going rigid and her eyes blinking rapidly.
I breathed in her pleasant, feminine scent and went on: “I could take your daughter away from you with a snap of my fingers. But I’m not going to do that because I have never seen a future with her,” I said in a stormy whisper before stepping back slightly to look her in the eye.
Ms. Martin was not fooled by my appearance of tranquility.
She saw the storm raging inside me.
She saw my monster. She saw my torments.
And an indescribable fear spread over her face, which filled my entire body with a sick sense of satisfaction.
“I am not your enemy, Neil,” she answered, screwing up her courage to face me. “But if you care even one tiny bit about my daughter, you will get far away from her and let her live in peace,” she pleaded in an anguished tone.
I looked into her eyes and didn’t feel a hint of compassion. “You don’t need to tell me that, Ms. Martin,” I said austerely. “I can promise you—there is no place in my life for your daughter.”
“So promise me that you’ll let her go when you leave for Chicago.
You know it’s the right thing to do. Don’t pull her away from me; don’t destroy her dreams,” she pressed, just as stubborn as her baby girl.
For a few seconds, I considered her words.
I had already thought about how impossible it would be to date or even see Selene in the future.
I would have been the first person to say that Selene should not abandon her education, her friends, her mother, or the life she had waiting for her in order to be with me.
Yes, I was selfish, but I wasn’t incapable of understanding what was best for her.
I gave myself a moment to think, and then, with a deep breath, I answered, “I’ll let her go. I promise.”
Ms. Martin pressed a hand to her heart, relieved. She knew as well as I did that the choice was all mine, all in my hands. I was stronger than Selene, and I was the only one who had the stomach to put a definitive end to our relationship.
Selene was in too deep with me, drawn to me and bound to me by a feeling that I refused to name.
She would accept my decision because I could manipulate her thinking and persuade her in my own unique way.
I had already succeeded in getting her to give in to desire months before when I’d coaxed her into getting with me while she was still with Jared.
It would have been no trouble at all to convince her to end things and give up on realizing her dream of a future together.
A future in which I could only ever corrupt her.
And Ms. Martin knew it all.
She sensed the power that I had over her daughter.
In that moment, a war began inside me.
A war between my good sense, which knew that I should push Selene away, and my instinct, which said that I wasn’t done with her yet.
Just a few hours earlier, I’d told her she could be with me, but now another detail would need to be added to our little compromise: our intimacy would have an expiration date.
In just a few months, our paths would diverge forever.
I would have to go on without her velvet lips, her glowing skin, and her ocean eyes.
I would have to renounce all urges to kiss or fuck her.
I would have to vanish from Babygirl’s life, no matter how intensely I might continue to yearn for her.
In the meantime, I would have to wait and hope that the turmoil inside me died down, just like I waited every goddamned day for the blaze in my chest to be extinguished.
I waited, I waited…and nothing ever fucking happened.
I kept on burning for Tinkerbell and fighting fruitlessly against myself to keep away from her, trying to convince myself that she didn’t matter at all to me when she did matter, a little bit.
Just a little bit, I told myself again and again, ad nauseam.
“Goodbye, Ms. Martin,” I said, putting an abrupt end to our conversation as I stalked out of the kitchen. I couldn’t stay there a moment longer. My wounded pride had begun to make itself known, driving my every action.
I knew now that Judith was just like Matt and that my presence in her house was not nearly so welcome as both Selene and I had been led to believe.
Shaking my head, I recalled what Babygirl had told me the night before: “You aren’t a freak. You’re special.”
All of it is bullshit.
There was too much wrong with me—wrong in my head—for me to ever be special. I’d never be fit for a girl like her.
And now her mother understood that too.
“Go fuck yourself,” I blurted out, and I myself didn’t know who it was directed at. I was furious and disillusioned.
Every time Selene made me hope for something better, made me willing to stretch even a finger up toward the sky, reality dragged me right back down into the pit.
Tinkerbell wanted to sneak her illusions into my head.
She wanted me to believe that a more colorful world existed, a world that was fair, even for people like me.
But I was living in my own personal hell, in my dehumanized reality, and all I had to do was look into the eyes of those people who watched me to know where I really belonged.
In the shadows.
I was seated in the front row, watching the total disintegration of my life, and who could fucking say when the show would be over?
While I reasoned my way through all my shit, I went back into the guest room and beelined for the desk.
I’d already seen a small notebook with a pen attached there for jotting down notes, so I opened it up and tore out a page to write a message for Tinkerbell.
But then I thought twice. I immediately remembered the argument that had ensued the last time when I’d left her nothing but a Post-it Note stuck on one of her books.
No…a note was definitely not the way to go.
I crushed the paper in one hand and left the room, heading back down the hallway.
“Neil…” I heard Selene’s voice calling out to me just as I’d nearly made it to the door.
I ignored her. At the same time, I was cursing myself for smoking my last Winston because I really needed a cigarette at that point.
“Neil, where are you going?” Babygirl pressed, and only then did I turn around to look at her.
She sucked in a breath when my eyes met hers. She looked worried, even afraid. I didn’t care at all and just scrutinized her outfit. She wasn’t wearing anything hot, just a pair of pj’s that was at least a size too big. Pink with insipid little rabbits on them.
What happened to the tigers?
“I need to catch my plane back to New York,” I answered brusquely, lifting my gaze to her still-sleepy face. A moment later, I caught a whiff of her coconut scent on the air all around me.
“What are you talking about? Why are you in such a hurry? Did something happen?” Selene hurried after me while I continued on without acknowledging her. “Neil. Please, talk to me.” She grabbed my arm abruptly, and I stopped, turning to stare at her.
She was adorable, like always.
Her cheeks were pink, her lips were dry and still red from my nips, and her eyes were filled with hope.
“You seemed okay last night and…” She cleared her throat and did not go on.
She was too embarrassed to talk about what we had done.
If I’d been in the mood for it, I might have taunted her or whispered something filthy in her ear, but I was so out of my mind angry that I couldn’t even stand to be near her.
She was the one who made me unrecognizable to myself.
“And what? You thought I was going to spend the day here with you? I have a life too, Selene. And it’s in New York,” I snapped.
She jolted, taken aback by my churlish attitude.
I ran a trembling right hand through my hair anxiously.
She spotted it, but then I wasn’t really trying to hide the symptom of one of my many conditions.
“I still don’t see why you’re so keyed up,” she insisted. I really didn’t want her poking around in my head; I was in no mood to talk or to waste more time there.
“There is no why,” I answered irritably. “This…this…thing between us has to be dealt with in some way.” I didn’t even know how to define what we had together.
For me, it was just this fucking thing that was causing all manner of problems, now even with her mother.
Selene’s shoulders slumped with obvious disappointment.
We’d had a significant talk the night before.
Not only had I bared my soul to her, but I had also led her to believe that I was going to let her be with me.
That I was going to give her due importance and elevate her above all my other lovers.
I knew how callous I was being with her, but for me it was difficult to be any other way.
My body’s instinct was to touch her—I needed to have some sort of contact with her again before I left for good.
So I raised her chin with my index finger and saw myself reflected in her eyes, which were like two cornflowers so early in the morning.
That is to say, they were beautiful.
That detail, like all the others, would linger forever in my memories.
“Go to school, go out with your friends, have fun, and live your life, Babygirl…” I said softly, urging her to have interests outside of me. I did not want to be the center of her world.
As soon as that thought crystallized in my head, however, my selfishness overrode my good intentions.
Abruptly, I reached out with my free hand and grabbed hers where it had been dangling alongside her hip.
Then, like a secret just between the two of us, I pressed the now balled-up piece of paper I’d still been clutching into her hand.
I shouldn’t have done it, but…
Selene frowned, and I gave her a faintly seductive smile before drawing near enough to plant a brief kiss on her lips.
“Read that note as soon as you can,” I added in a velvety tone.
And then I walked out the door, leaving her behind me, enthralled and…confused.