Chapter 13 Neil #4
I stared up at the ceiling and began to wonder if Tinkerbell hadn’t been created to become my madness.
To push past all my limits.
To kiss my soul.
To free me from my prison.
I didn’t know… I was confused.
I sat up and felt around on the nightstand for my Winstons. I held one between my lips and lit it.
I had a sensation of unfamiliar feelings creeping up on me, and I had no idea what to do about them.
“Is everything…okay?” Selene whispered, but I didn’t reassure her or even look at her. She needed to get used to my abrupt mood swings; that was just the way I was. I was broken.
I stroked my still-stiff cock with one hand. It was slick with our shared fluids.
I knew I should bathe, but I didn’t feel the immediate need to do so like I did with the others.
I growled abruptly in frustration at the inexplicable warmth I felt spreading through my chest and continued taking long, deep drags off my cigarette.
Maybe smoking could bring me back to myself.
I needed to be that cold man again: the cynical, apathetic one who thought about Kimberly when he fucked and nothing else.
“Neil…” Babygirl called, drawing my attention, and I shot her a hard look to put her back in her place.
She could tell that I was on edge, so she receded back into herself, breathing shallowly.
I saw it all. She was so slight and fragile that I felt like taking her in my arms and kissing every red mark I’d made on her body, but my pride wouldn’t allow it.
I was not the kind of guy who indulged in cuddling, displays of affection, or other mushy crap.
I just wanted Selene to stay with me for a finite period of time because it was easier to protect her that way. That was it.
“Can you give me a minute? Or is it too hard for you to keep quiet for even that long?” I snapped angrily. She breathed in sharply at the harsh scolding and sat up.
Shit…if I were in her shoes, I would have slapped me. I needed to dig deep and get myself straight.
Selene touched her messy hair, pushing aside her sweaty bangs. Meanwhile, I made myself comfortable, leaning back against the headboard and stretching my legs out in front of me.
“I want to leave,” she said wrathfully.
I almost laughed at the expression that had sprung up on her face.
First she was blissed out of her mind, and then she was infuriated. Truly, she was adorable.
“Not gonna happen. You’re staying here with me, Babygirl,” I answered mirthfully, arrogantly continuing to smoke. I blew the smoke out into the air and narrowed my eyes at her exposed breasts, lewdly imagining them back in my mouth.
“Why the hell do you always have to act like this?” She covered them with her forearm, purposefully depriving me of that extremely erotic image until I was forced to look back at her face.
Those blue eyes, so full of light, of life, of dreams, were aimed at me like deadly projectiles.
Once again, I put up my thick walls to protect me from her.
“I don’t act like this; I am like this. There’s a difference,” I corrected her.
“Oh, for sure. You’re inherently moody? Rude and unstable?” she teased me before bursting into hysterical laughter.
Babygirl was losing her mind, just like me.
“I’m eccentric, but more importantly, I’m very romantic,” I doubled down.
“Yup, romantic…” she echoed sardonically. “If by ‘romantic’ you mean ‘insufferable,’ sure,” she went on, shifting on her bottom like it was uncomfortable for her to sit. I looked down between her legs and felt a spark of concern.
I hadn’t been gentle with her just then, and I was afraid I might have gone too far and finally driven her away from me—though I’d never admit that to her.
Once again, I thought about how counterintuitively I was acting, doing everything I could think of to make her hate me but refusing to accept the idea of her actually leaving.
I shook my head, laughing at myself.
My internal confusion was putting me on edge.
I was typically hesitant with people, but I could never hesitate with her.
Because Selene shone in my solitude.
Shone in my darkness.
She shone, and she smelled like freedom.
And I was afraid.
She had the power to piece me back together or to shatter me at will, and she didn’t even realize it.
“We should sleep,” I said, grinding out the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand.
I laid down on my side, showing her my back, and tried to calm down, though my head felt swollen with thoughts like a balloon full of water.
I shivered from the cold, but I didn’t bother covering my body.
I would sleep like that, naked in my little corner of secure solitude.
I was just shutting my eyes when I felt her small, cold hand wrapping around my abdomen.
Selene plastered herself against me, her breasts pressed against my back.
My cock perked up at this feminine touch, ready to get some more of Babygirl’s attentions.
I wanted to push her away, to shrug her off, but she felt strangely good there.
Secure.
She would never take advantage of my sleeping state to hurt me the way that Kim had done.
“Goodnight,” she whispered, pressing a warm kiss to my shoulder. I breathed in raggedly at the sweet gesture.
I wanted to reciprocate, but I didn’t. Instead, I rested my head down on the soft pillow and shut my eyes.
Selene was a refuge for a restless soul like me. That was why I called her my Neverland.
Then, at last, I fell asleep. Feeling no fear.
* * *
I got up with the sun and fled to the shower.
Cleaning myself was my favorite part of the day because it allowed me to purge my body of sweat, sex, torments…all the things I carried inside as well as on my skin.
Once I was finished, I went back into the bedroom with just a towel wrapped around my hips, careful not to make any noise.
Tinkerbell rested on her side in the middle of the enormous bed, gloriously nude.
Her auburn hair spilled out around her, and one hand was clenched into a fist and pressed to her lips. She’d hooked one arm over my pillow and held it tightly, like she needed me or something of mine even in her sleep.
I knew the pillow was permeated with my smell; it seemed she wanted to breathe it in even when she was unconscious.
I smiled. It was very sweet.
I wanted to go over and kiss her, but something inside held me back. An open display of affection like that was too far out of the norm for me.
I shook my head to clear it and went into the kitchen.
I needed a black coffee.
I had seriously just fucked her without even bringing up the issue of Player and how he was targeting her again. Like the giant bastard that I was, I’d thought only of my own pleasure.
While I made the coffee, I tried to think of some way to excuse my actions.
I wasn’t bound to her—at least not in the way she thought.
I could no longer tell whether I was denying an inner truth that I nevertheless knew was there or if I was fully acknowledging that truth and acting indifferent to keep it compartmentalized.
I rucked up my hair.
There was one thing I was entirely certain about, though. Whatever feelings I did have for Selene were in direct opposition to the reality I’d built around myself.
She had become an obstacle, a burden, a return to the past, because love had already wounded me. Had destroyed me.
At the end of the day, my existence was about survival, and I was too fragile to be bound to any woman, even if I ached for her. My soul would have sunk into the depths and never resurfaced.
I didn’t know exactly what kept me connected to Selene, what made me miss her, want her, or need to protect her.
I would just have to keep cheating at this crazy game of ours, telling a half-truth that was more comfortable for the both of us: I did care about her…at least a little bit.
And that was how it was always going to be.
Firmly convinced, I picked up the coffee pot and poured some into a mug.
I leaned back against the counter and sipped it. The warm liquid slid down my throat and straight into my hollow stomach. I hadn’t eaten dinner the night before, compensating with a couple packages of pistachios. I couldn’t go on like that.
I was still working out just as much, but I was eating very little. I knew that if I didn’t start eating right, I wouldn’t have the energy I needed to face my days.
I was focused on the aesthetic element, though.
I looked down at my torso, which had leaned down enough to show the clear lines of my muscles. My pubic area was bracketed by two lateral lines only partially concealed by the low waist of the sweatpants I wore, ties dangling over the bulge between my legs.
I had long ago learned how to use my looks as yet another tool of seduction, just the way Kim taught me. The strapping, powerful physique was a crucial part of my strategy. I sighed miserably before looking up at the sound of light footfalls coming into the kitchen.
Still holding my mug in midair, I looked at Selene, who was shambling toward me with clumsy, sleepy motions.
She really was cute.
She looked exactly like a disgruntled kid who’d been woken up too early, her long hair tumbling wildly to the base of her spine and her disheveled bangs covering her scar.
“Good morning,” she muttered, holding back a yawn.
Then, all at once, she froze like it had just then occurred to her that she’d spent the night with me.
She looked me up and down with her big ocean eyes.
She lingered a bit on my bare chest and licked her lower lip before dragging her eyes back up to my face.
“Good morning to you,” I answered after a beat, watching as she sat down on a stool at the kitchen island.
Selene looked thoughtful, staring off into space, and the idea that she was actually a million miles away in her head irked me.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked her abruptly, making her jump.