Chapter 16 Neil #3
“I never told anyone that before, you know?” she whispered, wrapping her hands around my waist again and clinging to me. Pinching the cigarette between my fingers, I leaned sideways to stub it out in the ashtray before focusing on her.
“Told anyone what?” I asked, blowing out the last lungful of smoke away from her face.
“What I was going to tell you that night in Detroit. Do you remember?” Her eyes probed mine, and I hesitated, just observing her ocean stare.
How could I have forgotten? It had been unbearable, knowing I was about to hear those soul-eroding words from her mouth. An “I love you” only conjured up the verbal abuse, the harassment, and the sexual assault I had suffered at the hands of Kimberly.
I didn’t answer at first and went rigid instead. I thought about pushing her hands away, but instead I held still and stared at her.
“Not even to Jareth?” I asked, suddenly eager to know.
“Not even to Jared,” she said pointedly, though she should have known by then that I didn’t give a shit what that dude’s name was.
“Good. Someday you can tell the right person.”
Selene must not have liked that answer because she curled her lip and gave me an annoyed look.
Her brilliant gaze dimmed, and then her hands fell away from me. The abrupt detachment was alarming.
“I know your heart, Selene. You don’t need those useless words to make me understand.
Just keep showing me with your actions, with your choices and with your bravery.
I have no use for banal declarations of love.
I can see how you feel about me…” I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled slightly.
Babygirl blinked slowly at me, her face taking on a curious expression.
“Why do you hate to hear a woman tell you she loves you?” she asked me. I had known this moment would come. But still it wasn’t remotely easy, holding back the anger and the memories those words awoke in me. Selene didn’t know any of that, though. She was just honestly curious.
“Because Kim used to whisper it while she was raping me,” I admitted with disarming coolness.
Selene gasped and pressed a hand to her mouth.
“I…I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” she babbled, mortified.
She moved closer, silently asking permission to hug me.
I did not object. I welcomed her warmth as she clung to me, resting her head against my torso.
I breathed in the good smell of her hair and wrapped an arm around her waist, letting my hand rest on her ass, which I gave a good grope.
Even in a moment like that, I couldn’t just be a normal man who was content giving her soft touches and tender affection.
Instead, I remained the pervert who wanted nothing more than to stick his tongue between her thighs, like I’d done the night before.
And let her moans drown out my tedious thoughts.
Let her thighs squeeze all the misery out of my head.
Let her scream my name with all the romance inside her to tell me in a different way about this thing that bound us together. This cursed thing I refused to define…
* * *
After spilling another part of my history to Selene, I took a long shower before joining her in the kitchen. The last time I’d seen her in front of a stove, she was charring a grilled cheese sandwich that I had eaten only out of extreme hunger.
I sat without commenting for a few moments on a stool, my chin balanced on my palm as I watched her attentively. She moved gracefully around my space, like it had now become hers as well.
“I know you’re already done and you don’t have to, but have you thought about walking in the spring with the rest of your graduating class?
” she asked cheerfully. The smell of scrambled eggs was in the air.
Selene was undoubtedly cooking because, according to her, breakfast for someone my size should consist of more than just a cup of coffee.
As usual, I ignored her questions in favor of feasting my eyes on her tight ass. Sooner or later, I’d have that too.
How many asses had I seen in my life?
Still, hers seemed like the best one I’d ever encountered.
“Neil, are you listening to me?” Tinkerbell shot me a look.
I didn’t answer because, by then, my attention had shifted to her bare legs, left exposed underneath one of my sweatshirts.
It was enormous on her. She didn’t even bother asking my permission to wear them anymore; she just knew that she could and that she was the only woman besides my sister who’d ever had that privilege.
“No. You know, trying to have a conversation with me while half-naked is never going to be productive.” I continued to size her up like a predator lying in wait.
She shook her head in amusement, and her auburn hair swayed back and forth at the base of her spine.
I was reminded of the moment last night when I wrapped that hair around my fist as I thrust into her from behind. I shifted on the stool, irritated.
A giant hard-on in tight jeans was one of the worst inconveniences that could befall a man.
“I was talking about graduation. Don’t you think you should do something to mark the occasion? Maybe a party? And what about after that? Do you have plans?” Selene looked radiant, sounding like she was the one who had graduated instead of me. She was prouder of me than my own mother was.
She grabbed two plates and deposited the scrambled eggs on them before picking out some clean silverware and walking over to me.
“You must be hungry, Tigress. Guess fucking really takes it out of you,” I said, trying to redirect the conversation to something more comfortable.
I didn’t want to talk about the future with her.
I didn’t like lying to her so the only thing I could do was refuse to answer.
Not answering wasn’t lying; it was just omitting details that I’d address later at the appropriate time.
“Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to dodge my questions?
” she asked suspiciously, handing me one of the plates.
Selene had gotten eerily good at understanding me even when I didn’t say a word.
All she had to do was look deep into my eyes and read the silent language of my body, and I’d find myself absolutely fucked.
“You get that feeling because I don’t really want to think about that stuff yet,” I said. It was a plausible enough excuse. Selene just cocked a doubtful eyebrow.
“Neil, we both know you’re not just going to hang around the pool house indefinitely. Don’t try to tell me you haven’t got plans.” She went over to the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of orange juice before bringing it back to me.
“Then let’s just say I want to firm them up a little before I talk about them.” I ceded some ground, trying to silence the voice of my conscience that urged me to just tell her about the internship in Chicago and Megan.
“What about that guy? Professor Robbins or something?” She bounced on her stool like a little kid, and as I stared at her, I couldn’t help but think about how funny she was sometimes.
“Robinson. Professor Robinson,” I answered, and she nodded as she poured the orange juice into glasses for us.
“Yeah, him. You said he wanted to meet with you about something. What was it?” she asked, and fortunately I hadn’t put any eggs in my mouth by that point, or I would have choked on them.
Over the course of our “relationship,” I had told Selene some details about my studies, including my final project with Robinson and our meeting.
At one point, I’d even gotten quite close to telling her the truth about my conversations with Judith, but I pulled back because I knew Selene.
She had a stubborn streak and could be rebellious, and I didn’t want her fighting with her mother.
Ms. Martin agreed to accept our quasi-relationship only because she knew it was temporary and that I would keep my word.
“It was nothing,” I said, underplaying it.
“He just wanted to compliment me on being one of the best students in the course,” I lied.
Well, it wasn’t a total lie, but neither was it what Professor Robinson and I had actually talked about the last time I saw him in person.
On that occasion, he’d shaken my hand and told me that I’d made the right decision accepting the internship.
“Wow, I didn’t know you were such a nerd…” Selene teased me as she scooped up her first forkful of eggs.
“Because I’m not,” I shot back, giving her a dirty look.
“Okay, don’t get your panties in a twist, Mr. Disaster.” She gave me a sweet smile, which I did not return. I forked up a little bit of eggs and tasted them, hoping they were more edible than the charred toast. Selene watched me uncomfortably the whole time I chewed.
“Uh…how do you like it?” she asked. I looked deep into her eyes, and Babygirl chewed her lip uncertainly. In that moment, it occurred to me just how vitally important my judgment was to her because, when it came to me, she valued everything.
“They’re edible… I’ve known for a while now that you’re not exactly a chef,” I answered easily with typical nonchalance, but I tamped down a smile of amusement, hoping to bug her a little.
She arranged her lips into a pout and then cleared her throat awkwardly and immediately poured more OJ into her glass.
“Always gotta be an asshole,” she grumbled under her breath, but I still heard her loud and clear. Then she turned back to her eggs and ignored me with a miffed look on her face.
And that was adorable too.