Chapter 18 Selene
“I’d been dragged out into an ocean of troubles,
and I was drowning there.”
Selene
Neil and I were not together.
Still, for me, his choosing the coconut candy had marked the start of something. Although exactly what that something was, I could not say.
“Why did I agree to do this crazy thing with you?” I said in an anxious whine as the powerful rumble of his Maserati cut through the air like it was trying to shake the sky itself.
“Because you’re just as crazy as I am.” Neil adjusted the rearview mirror and glided his hands along the steering wheel as though it were the contours of a female body.
“Will you quit telling me that?” I grumped, observing the perfection of his sharp profile. I stretched out my arm and dug a hand into the longer hair on top of his head until those honey-colored eyes shifted to look at me.
“Buckle up, scaredy cat.” He winked at me.
“Please don’t go overboard,” I sighed, grabbing the seatbelt to fasten it and adjusting myself in the passenger seat. We were going to the clinic—I had persuaded Neil to consider therapy again, and John had invited him to come to the clinic.
“Keep whining and I won’t fuck you for a month,” he threatened firmly, stepping on the accelerator to make the engine howl again.
“Bull crap. You can’t go a month without sex,” I answered confidently, a defiant smile spreading across my face.
“True.” His deep chuckle made me shiver.
“But I just said I wouldn’t fuck you for a month.
I could always get it from someone else.
” His lips twisted into a canny, sensual smile that immediately killed any desire I had to joke around.
He knew his other lovers were still a sensitive issue for me.
He may have stopped sleeping with Jennifer and the rest of them, but he hadn’t stopped thinking about Kim and his need to get revenge on her.
Every time some blond gave him an appreciative look, he gave one right back.
I could feel how difficult it was for him to maintain his self-control in those situations. He was holding back for my sake so he wouldn’t hurt me.
“Don’t even joke about that.” I punched his bicep, which just made him break out into laughter. I quietly pulled back my hand, nursing my now-sore knuckles.
“You’re ridiculous, and you’re gonna hurt yourself someday doing shit like that.
You can’t just punch a mass of muscle like me.
” He took my hand with his larger, masculine one and pressed a gentle kiss to the tingling knuckles.
“Is that better?” He grinned at me, but I didn’t know how to answer, too drunk on simply looking at him.
“Now quit talking. I want to show you how you handle a panther,” he winked again, and I rolled my eyes at him.
“Okay. If I die, tell my mother I loved her,” I grumbled, settling down in the seat. Then, his hand was grasping my leg, sliding up my inner thigh and drawing perilously close to my most sensitive spot.
“I care too much about your safety to risk your life, Babygirl. I mean…who would suck me off so nicely if you died?” His voice was just a rasping, sensual whisper as he grazed his fingers across my jeans-covered pussy.
I automatically clamped my thighs together, feeling his hand stuck fast against that part of me that only he could awaken. I knew that, in his mind, he had just said something romantic to me.
Any other woman probably would have taken offense if a man talked to her like that, but I loved it.
I had habituated to Neil and his concept of true romance.
“Now let’s get back to our high-speed trip.” He pulled his hand away, abrupt and unsatisfying, and put it back on the steering wheel. He rested the other on the shifter.
“Alright, I’m ready,” I said, biting my lip at the blatant lie. I hadn’t had time to prepare myself psychologically when we took off like a rocket, the acceleration slamming me into the back of the seat. “Neil!” I yelled indignantly.
He just laughed and rolled down the windows to let the wind blow in and rearrange our hair. My heart leaped into my throat before dropping back down into my stomach, making me nauseous.
“Relax, Tinkerbell.” He shot me an amused sidelong glance and hit the gas even harder, sending the speedometer off the charts.
“Sure, yeah. Of course I’m relaxed right now!
” I had to shout so he could hear me over the wind and the sound of “Scary Love” by The Neighbourhood, which he kept using the controls on either side of the wheel to turn up.
“I love this song,” I added, grinning at him and trying to enjoy the insanity that I only allowed myself to experience when I was with him.
“Me too…” He returned the smile but didn’t look back at me, keeping his eyes on the road.
He looked carefree, peaceful, and so beautiful in this moment of lightness.
The cold wind caressed my skin and rucked up my bangs. I reached up with one hand, trying in vain to fix it, and he shot me a quick look before shaking his head in amusement.
I’d never seen him smile so much.
For the first time since I’d met him, he looked like a normal man who’d had a normal childhood.
Free from his monsters.
Free from his past.
Neil had lowered his walls at least a little bit during that month together. Even if he did go out of his way to constantly remind me that he did not love me and we weren’t a couple.
Still, I’d seen an obvious growth in his feelings toward me.
Neil had been infuriated when he saw me dancing with Kyle at the club that night. I could still recall the shock on his face as I moved in that sensual way.
The shimmering gleam in his eye had lit a fire in my belly from across the room as he stared at me, inhaling slowly. Every breath he sucked in took mine as well.
It had been useless trying to pretend that I was enjoying myself with anyone else when all Neil had to do was envelope me in that golden gaze, and I went weak at the knees.
My heart did nothing but chase after his in a race that had no end.
I hummed along with the song on the radio, tilting my head slightly when I felt him throwing furtive, curious glances at me.
“No distractions,” I scolded him with a beaming grin. I rested a hand on his thigh, and he stiffened slightly like he always did, but he didn’t reject my touch. I stretched my other arm out the window and opened my hand as if to catch the air.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked when he was forced to slow down as we hit traffic. I’d barely noticed the thrill ride was over, so lost in the whipping wind and the boy I loved so madly.
“I still say we’re lucky not to have gotten in a wreck. I was really afraid for a few minutes there,” I teased with a mocking smile, which he frowned at. The truth was, I had faith in Neil. I trusted him completely, in fact.
When I was with him, all my fears disappeared.
“Were you doubting my skills?” He turned abruptly onto a less-traveled street, and just a few moments later, he pulled into the clinic’s large parking lot.
“Which skills are you referring to?” I needled him impishly. Neil turned to look at me, and it was like a curtain of shadow had passed over him, extinguishing his easy joy and leaving his face dark and cold. I squeezed his thigh, trying to show him my support, and he gave me a sad smile.
“Today’s going to be a clusterfuck,” he said, undoubtedly referring to Dr. Keller’s invitation for him to sit in on a bibliotherapy session.
“You should have picked the surprise I have for you instead of going to this fucking clinic,” he added.
Several times now Neil had mentioned having some sort of “surprise” for me, and I could already imagine what it might be.
“And it’s not about sex, if that’s what you were thinking,” he clarified.
“Though we will do that after the surprise,” he went on, and I made a face.
He was stoking my curiosity to make me regret telling him to accept John’s invitation.
“You can show it to me when we get back home.” I moved closer to give him a peck, but Neil leaned out of my reach. That was nothing new—whenever he was feeling pressured, confused, or exposed, he would reject my affection.
As we got out of the car and I followed him into the clinic, I didn’t even bother trying to hold his hand or take his arm because I knew he wouldn’t let me. He still wasn’t used to me making those kinds of fond gestures, which would have been so simple and normal for any other couple.
He thought of them as infringements on his independence.
Almost as soon as we entered the clinic, Dr. Lively was there to meet us.
“Welcome, you two,” he said, greeting us with a polite smile. Beside me, Neil remained cool and only gave him the smallest nod. I responded with considerably more enthusiasm.
“Hi, Dr. Lively,” I smiled at him.
“I’m glad you both came. Neil, if I could have a word with you?”
Instinctively, I took a step back, and Neil turned to look at me.
“Can you give me a few minutes?” he asked considerately. I just nodded and watched him follow the doctor toward his office.
Left alone in the waiting room, I glanced around briefly. The furniture perfectly matched the antiseptic walls, and the only spots of color were provided by a few paintings and a couple of plants.
The place was so impersonal and pristine that I couldn’t get comfortable there.
I shot a glance at the woman behind the reception desk.
She was talking on the phone, occasionally pausing to type something into her computer.
A couple of people who looked like employees passed through the corridor, chatting amongst themselves.
None of them seemed to have taken note of my presence.
“So you’re telling me this is normal for you?”