Chapter 18 Selene #3
“Is that how you two know each other?” My temples were pounding; my head ached so bad that I had to squint.
“Yeah. Kimberly wanted to film Megan and me acting out a perverted version of the Peter Pan movie. She took us down to the basement and made us take our clothes off. I knew what she wanted right away, and I managed to avoid the worst of it. I never touched Megan. I would never do that…” He swallowed hard, gripping the steering wheel with both hands while showing no emotion at all on his face.
It was as cold and impassive as a sheet of metal.
He could have been telling me about his most recent exam in school, rather than the brutal psychological violence he’d experienced.
“How…how can you talk about it like that?” I asked hesitantly, shocked at his casual, cynical tone.
“I’ve got hell locked inside me, Selene. I’ve been living with the memories for so long that they don’t have the power to upset me anymore,” he answered, reaching up to open the big house’s electronic gate. I looked out at the long driveway.
A deafening silence fell over us as Neil parked in his usual spot. He shut off the car and leaned back against the seats, still staring fixedly in front of him.
“Still think I’d fuck her?” he demanded. He turned to look at me, angry this time.
“I am so sorry that happened to you…” I took his hand in mine and kissed his knuckles.
I felt guilty for having spoken so dismissively to him.
“I didn’t realize. I’m sorry,” I said in a shamed whisper as I looked into his eyes.
He allowed me to touch him, but his face was still impassive as he stared at me.
“Does…does Alyssa know about this?” I asked softly.
She had tried to get in touch with me several times after everything went down with Neil, but I was ghosting her. I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with her, and not just because she’d kissed the man I loved. I couldn’t forgive the way she’d lied to me and taken advantage of my trusting nature.
“No,” he answered. “Megan never told her sister about it. Even her parents just pretended nothing happened. They were in shock, so she had to deal with it all on her own. I actually admire her for that, you know? She went through the same therapy I did and came out the other side stronger,” he admitted.
Clearly, this woman was an important part of his past. They had walked through hell together and come out alive, hand in hand.
“And the two of you…” I wasn’t sure how to ask him if there’d ever been a deeper interest or special connection.
Neil sighed and looked down at where I still held his hand in mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb.
“There was never anything between us,” he finished my thought.
“Except one kiss. We were teenagers, and we did it for some stupid game; it didn’t mean anything to me,” he went on.
I didn’t say anything, but truthfully, even the idea of them only sharing a kiss made me jealous.
Neil must have seen it on my face, though, because he leaned in and kissed me.
It was gentle and innocent, but no less intense than the rough, passionate claiming kisses he usually gave me.
“It’s cold out here. Shall we go in?” he said quietly against my mouth, his voice softening. I just nodded and followed him back to the pool house; I needed to rest and clear my head.
When we got there, I took off my coat and threw it on the sofa, tugging the sleeves of my sweater over my fingers.
I slumped down into the armchair and stared at the fireplace Neil had just activated.
A terrible feeling of impending doom pressed down on my chest again like a boulder.
I wanted to tell Neil everything I’d heard at the clinic, to have him talk to his mother and figure out what the hell John had to do with either of them. But I didn’t have the guts to do that.
Neil peeled off his leather jacket and hung it up, giving me a questioning look. I pasted a reassuring smile on my face.
“I’m going to shower. Eat if you’re hungry,” he informed me.
And then I was alone, left to wallow in my thoughts.
Immediately, the frustration inside burst forth in the form of tears.
Who did I have to talk to about this? Matt hated me, and my mother was just hoping that I’d wake up from the twisted fairy tale my life had become over the last few months.
Alyssa wasn’t my friend anymore. Bailey was really only concerned with Tyler.
Janel couldn’t stand Neil, and I couldn’t stand hearing her run him down.
When I really got down to it, I was alone.
I’d been dragged out into an ocean of troubles, and I was drowning there.
I screamed for help, but no one could hear me.
Neil was the most important person in my life; my heart was bound to his. I knew that I was going to live through this upcoming misery along with him.
I didn’t even want to think about how much he was going to hurt.
His world would come crashing down on him all over again.
He’d find out he’d been living a lie his whole life, that the man who beat him was not his biological father.
That his mother knew it all along.
That his real father knew it.
That I knew it…
And he’d probably never smile at me again.
He’d never touch me again.
He wouldn’t let me sleep next to him anymore.
Or kiss his lips.
Or touch his body.
But I would do everything I could not to lose him.
I would keep fighting.
For him.
For us.
I curled up into an agonized ball on the armchair, trying to warm myself before the fireplace. The exhaustion of the day made my muscles ache even as the throbbing in my head slowly eased. I shut my eyes slowly, and then…
* * *
I had no idea how long I’d slept.
I wasn’t as cold as I had been, though, and a pleasant torpor made me moan sleepily as a hand gently stroked my hair. I cracked my eyes open to see a pair of golden ones staring at me. They were so luminous, I had to take a moment just to stare at them.
“I thought you might join me in the shower, instead you fell asleep. Can’t keep up, huh?” Neil’s deep voice sent shivers down my spine, and I shifted slightly, feeling the numbness in my bones from sitting too long in an awkward position.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, and he gave a slight frown of confusion.
“You can make it up to me tonight, Tinkerbell,” he whispered lewdly.
I sat up slightly to get a better look at him: He was crouched down next to me wearing just a pair of gray sweatpants, and he smelled strongly of bath gel.
His chestnut hair was still wet, and one renegade lock of hair had fallen over his eyebrow.
I avidly watched the appealing movements of his arms and chest as he lifted a hand to fix it.
“Do you want to sleep out here or with me?” he asked, touching my cheek. What a stupid question.
With him. Always with him.
“With you,” I answered immediately. He smiled and held out his hands to help me up.
I leaned against his body for support, sucking in a breath when I felt his bare chest pressed against my sweater.
I wished that I was also naked and could soak in his warmth skin-to-skin.
I looped my arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his jaw.
“How many times do I have to tell you—you are sickeningly sweet.” He wrinkled his nose, making an annoyed face, and I moved further down his throat.
“You seem to like my sweeter aspects,” I said in an arch murmur.
“No, I like it when you scream my name while I’m hitting it from the back,” he whispered wickedly. Then he slapped my ass, and I jerked forward.
“Asshole,” I grumbled, trying to catch my breath.
Neil just bit his lip to hide his amusement.
Then he surprised me, whirling me around so my back was to him and my ass hit his pelvis.
He reached up and covered my eyes with one hand.
“Neil!” I called out in surprise, but he just leaned down to my ear and kissed my throat.
“Shh…” he said in a coaxing whisper, pushing me to walk sightlessly forward.
At first I moved slowly, afraid I was going to crash into something.
But his arms around me and the marble-hard body at my back gave me a feeling of security and made me feel protected.
I let my head fall back to rest on his chest and let him guide me.
“Walk straight ahead. Now turn right.”
I obeyed, walking blindly at Neil’s urging until my thighs hit something soft.
“Lie down,” he instructed as I felt the soft top of the mattress with my hand.
He uncovered my eyes once I was on the bed, but I still couldn’t see anything because the room was pitch black.
I laid back, my heart racing. My quickened breath cut through the air—the only sound.
I looked over and tried to find Neil next to me; although I blinked several times to acclimate to the darkness, I still couldn’t make out anything. Not even the outline of his body.
Suddenly, I felt his weight on top of me. He climbed over me gingerly, his chest pressing against mine, and slotted his hips between my thighs, which parted obligingly for him.
“What a romantic way to get me into a bed,” I snarked.
His deep, masculine laugh shook both of us. Then he began kissing my neck, and I gasped at the feeling of his hot mouth against my skin. He moved down my throat, and I moaned, writhing underneath him.
I stroked along his spine, tight and powerful.
My hands drifted down to squeeze his glutes, appreciating the honed musculature.
Just touching him seemed to shut down the darker turn of my thoughts and banish everything that had happened during the day.
I pressed my palm to his crotch and found him already stiff and upright.
He emitted a heated groan when I grasped it, and internally, I crowed with pride.
I wanted him to peel off my clothes and satisfy me the way only he could, but instead Neil held still above me, his head fitting into the curve of my neck.
For a moment, he felt fragile as I clutched him close to me.
“Remember the time you once told me that there is a star for everyone, far enough away that our mistakes cannot tarnish it?” he said in a thoughtful murmur.
“Sure. It’s from Bobin, the French poet,” I answered, sinking one hand into his hair while continuing to stroke his firm back.
Neil pushed himself off me, and I was alarmed to no longer feel his warmth.
I groped for him wildly, like I would die without him.
My heart rate sped up, afraid I’d done something wrong.
I could never tell with Neil; it was impossible to predict how he might react to things. Then I heard a switch being flicked.
I was blinded by a dazzling light.
A sky filled with stars and celestial bodies stretched as if by magic across the entire ceiling, lighting up the room.
Neil had a small planetarium on the bedside table, and he used it to project this incredible vault of heaven before lying back down beside me to appreciate it.
“Whenever you’re sad, stretch out on the bed and look up at the stars. There are about fifty thousand of them up there right now. I think that should be enough to obscure any pain…” he said heartbreakingly, and I turned to look at him.
“Should a cynic like yourself really be rhapsodizing about the stars?” I asked him wryly, watching the light bounce of his face. He turned to me and gave me a tiny smile.
“I don’t know, should a girl who dreams of Prince Charming be spending so much time with the dark knight?” he said in a familiar needling way.
I rolled onto my side and inched closer to him, resting a hand on his naked chest. His skin there was cold, so I wrapped my arms around his chest to warm him. I tilted my face up until our breaths commingled.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to prepare me for an injury that you’re probably going to be the one to inflict?” I murmured with a sick feeling in my stomach that all of this was not an innocently sweet gesture from Neil.
He was trying to get me to understand something.
He wanted me to read his silent language.
“Because you’re smart, Tinkerbell. And you know that this thing between the two of us is impossible,” was his cold response. “I still have my past hanging on to me. It’s like this long cloak of shadows that just keeps surrounding and suffocating everyone who gets close to me…”
Neil had a fiercely independent soul, wounded and untamed.
I loved him as he was—as all that he was.
I loved him because of his differences. I knew, though, that love wasn’t enough to cure him.
We both knew it. His words hurt, yes, but I could also feel the truth in them. It was raw, but it was true.
If, one day, he chose to exercise his freedom away from me, I would have still kept on loving the rebellious, tortured beast within him.
There was no cure for me, either.
“Neil—” I began to say, but he silenced me with a kiss that halted my words in midair.
He thought words were useless. He’d always rather turn me inside out, ignite my feelings with the same passion that always brought us together.
“Use me, Selene. Do it while you still can…” he said, before capturing my lips once again.
He slid over top of me, pulling off the rest of my clothes with unsentimental efficiency.
He took what he wanted, like always. He opened my thighs wide for him and joined us together with all the ferocity inside of him.
He thrust his fears into me, the broken hopes, the frustration, the misery, and all the hurt he was feeling.
It was a punishment, an attempt to make me see that there was no future for us, that we were both destined to lose this ceaseless war between us.
That, even as we sought refuge, we sought it from a land of never. Never was, never will be.