Chapter 24 Neil #2
Megan’s eyes were full of things unspoken, hidden questions, and shattered dreams. I was so good at fooling and hurting any person who got close to my twisted, chaotic brain.
“An apology is not what I want from you. I just want to go back to the way we were before. I never asked for any feelings from you or a relationship. I never wanted to be anyone’s replacement.
You have enough problems, Miller. I don’t want you beating yourself up over this on top of everything else.
” She breathed in deep and moved closer to me.
She should have hated me—she should have slapped me in the face—but she didn’t look like she intended to do any of that.
“We’re adults, and we’re responsible for our own choices.
I take full responsibility for my actions.
I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy with the people you love. ”
Her maturity was shocking, as were her green eyes staring steadily up at me like I’d never touched her while picturing someone else.
Like I hadn’t come on to her for months specifically to make her crazy over me.
Like I’d never used her to learn about myself and analyze the depthless hell I’d fallen into.
“I have work to do,” I muttered.
I really didn’t want to talk to her about what I’d felt after sending my siblings away or when John had shown me his tattoo.
I didn’t want to admit to her my longing to go back in time to the day before graduation when I was with Babygirl.
Her little body clinging to me, one leg entwined with mine, her small nose pressed close to my chest.
I liked that inexplicable us.
The moment when I was inside her and she was also inside me and the whole world became nothing more than a sheet of paper that we crumpled up and tossed away from our Neverland.
“I’m going back to work too. You know where to find me if you need.” Megan headed for the door, and my mind crashed back into the real world.
“Let’s ride home together…” I told her the way I always did.
I could move on if she could, and we could put what happened to us to rest. We still had to live together, and our internships lasted another six months.
I couldn’t keep behaving like an asshole, ignoring her, and refusing to even meet her eyes.
“Yeah.” She gave me one last brief smile and walked out of the office, leaving the door half-open. For a second, I thought there might be someone out there, perhaps a client waiting to come in, but when no one came in, I snorted and went back to staring at the papers in front of me.
Someone stepped through the doorway and cleared his throat. I whirled around and met a pair of bright eyes, identical to my own. I’d seen them on so many other occasions without ever clocking the incredible similarity. It was ridiculous how only now did I spot that kind of detail.
Because he was right there: John Keller, the liar.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Every nerve flared to life, and I crushed my pen between my fingers. My eyes remained locked on him as he slowly moved toward me. After shutting the door behind him, John looked around the office with polite curiosity and ignored my question.
“I want to have a talk with you.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and observed me without fear or apprehension but rather with a profound determination. It was unnerving.
“We already had a talk. I don’t have anything to say to you,” I muttered, shuffling some of the papers to avoid his insistent, probing gaze.
“Then let’s have another talk,” he answered with a hint of irony that I found as bothersome as his confidence. Since when did Dr. Keller act like that? Did he think that just because he was my biological father, he had the upper hand? He didn’t know shit about me.
“What about what I said before was unclear to you? Do you just like confronting me? I’m not changing my mind.
I don’t have any room in my life for liars.
” I slapped my hands palms down on the desk.
He took note of the wild gesture but didn’t look surprised.
He held still and continued to study me, like he was holding one of his sessions with a patient.
“You’re the one who isn’t seeing this situation clearly, son. And, because of how obstinate you are, I have no choice but to impose myself in a more forceful way.” He shrugged so arrogantly that I shook with anger. He just kept staring at me. With a growl of rage, I stalked over to him.
“What the fuck are you after, huh? You can’t just drop in here anytime you want because you happen to know where I work.
I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.
You’ve been absent my entire life; it’s too late to show up now…
John.” I said his name slowly, with emphasis, to make sure he knew that I’d never call him anything else.
His bright eyes went dark, a sure sign I’d wounded his pride. I grinned at him, and his jaw ticked.
“Are you trying to hurt me? You know, kid, for a son of mine, I was expecting a little bit more. A cleverer play.” He gave me a mocking smile, and I took a step back from him.
“Don’t test me, you asshole,” I warned.
“Oh no? What would you do if I did? Hit your father?” he pressed. By then, my right hand had started to shake, and my breath was coming in rapid pants, and I couldn’t stop blinking.
“Stop,” I hissed through my teeth, but his gaze only grew sharper as he quirked one corner of his mouth in an insouciant half-smile.
“Come on, show me what you’ve got. Be a man.
You want to feel like a man, don’t you? Would you feel more like one if you hit your father?
Huh? Would it make you happier if you hurt me?
” he insisted, and I didn’t think any more.
I clenched my hand into a fist and tensed my arm to put power behind it, power that would make him bitterly regret this move.
I took a swing at him, trying to indulge his insane demand, but John crouched slightly to dodge and stepped back lightly.
Before I even had time to process what happened, he was inside my guard. He palmed the back of my head with one hand and pulled me to him, slamming me against his chest.
He was hugging me.
It was my first paternal hug.
The only one, in fact, that I’d ever received.
“That man you believed to be your father taught you that a man is someone who hits. The man who is your father is teaching you that a real man loves and forgives,” he whispered into my ear, wrapping his other arm around me like I was some small, helpless child.
Like I was his child who had been lost to him for so long, and now he had finally found me again.
I held perfectly still, processing this strange, novel, and unexpected contact.
I could feel his heart beating in his chest.
Inside my chest.
His breathing was ragged. His hand clutched more tightly at the nape of my neck while the other rubbed my back. He smelled clean, pure. Familiar. I felt new, destabilizing emotions coursing through me, sending tremors through the iceberg that had long ago replaced my heart.
And I became a little less Neil and a little more his son.
“You abandoned me…” I whispered. My arms remained flat against my sides. I wasn’t reciprocating his embrace, but I didn’t cringe away from it the way I feared I might.
“Never by choice. The Lindhoms were a powerful family. Your grandfather even set his goons on me. If I’d gotten too close to your mother, they would have had me taken care of.
” He cupped my face in his hands and stared deeply into my eyes, searching for some sort of connection, some relationship, anything that might keep his hope alive.
“I loved Mia. You were not the result of a mistake or a one-night stand. You came from love. I felt joy when I found out about you. I was excited for you to come. But fate was cruel to me, as it also was to you.” He shook me slightly as though trying to force the words into my head.
He could sense my mistrust, my fear, and my misery.
“You have to believe me, Neil. I will never leave you again. You can count on me. I will always be there for you. Always. You aren’t alone anymore.
Please, just give me a chance…” He was on the verge of tears.
I continued to stare at him as he touched my hair and cheeks as though I weren’t quite real, as though he were trying to convince himself that I was really there, flesh and blood, standing right in front of him.
“I don’t… I don’t know…” I said in a confused mutter. I didn’t have the strength to reject him, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him either.
He continued to hold my face as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my forehead. He lingered there for a moment, as if to hold me to him for as long as possible.
“I’m here. I’ll give you all the time you need to get to know me and accept me. I understand how upsetting this all is, but please allow me to remain a part of your life.” His voice broke.
I thought.
I thought for a long time about what I should do.
I had a lot of confusion but also a great sense of relief in knowing that William had never really been my father. That man and I didn’t share anything except a last name, and there was nothing tying me to him, save our mutual hatred and disgust.
I gave John a nod; that was all he was going to get from me for the time being. I’d never been good with words anyway.
“Could we talk for a minute?” he asked tentatively.
I could sense that he feared my rejection, which, in a move that surprised even me, didn’t come.
I leaned back against the edge of the desk and gestured at the chair near him.
He gave me an incredulous look before smiling and sitting down with a heavy sigh.
I wasn’t sure why I’d given in, but for some reason, I felt like I needed to face him and hear him out even if I wasn’t yet ready to forgive his years of absence.