Chapter 29 Neil #7
“Okay. So can I say goodbye to my granddaughter, Grandpa’s little star?” John said in the almost eerie baby voice he used when he talked to my daughter.
Fortunately, for all that I loved her with all of my heart, I was not quite that addlepated.
“Actually, I also call her little star, and I will warn you, Dr. Keller—grandmas get priority,” Judith interjected, strutting into the room. She’d put on her elegant coat and was adjusting her shoulder-length hair. My father gave her a heated look, and she blushed before clearing her throat.
“You know, Ms. Martin, I’m always fascinated by your pointedly precise interjections.
I believe there’s a lot that you could teach me, if you’d only accept my invitation to have dinner…
” He winked at her, and Judith pulled herself up, straight and wary.
I’d never really understood their dynamic, and I didn’t even know for sure whether they liked or disliked each other.
But ever since Judith had gotten out of her long-term relationship with Professor Coleman, my father had started taking every opportunity to poke at her.
“Keep me posted on any developments with the little guy. We’ll see you next Sunday.
” Selene gave Janel a hug, and then the other woman sagged against my brother.
She was clearly exhausted after the full day she’d just had.
I had no idea what it felt like for a woman to shoulder the burdens of a pregnancy, but I had been there for all nine months of Selene’s thrills and miseries, so I could imagine how Janel was feeling then.
“Be good, Pup. You’ve caused enough trouble already,” I told Logan, gesturing to his fiancée’s round belly.
Then I ruffled his hair, and he griped out an irritable “fuck off.” Then, I gave Chloe a hug and politely suggested that Simon keep his hands off my sister until after the wedding.
Selene cut in then to lay a calming hand on my shoulder.
When it was just the three of us at last, we went upstairs to our bedroom where Little Pearl’s crib was also located.
Selene went into the bathroom to change while I settled into the leather armchair in front of the window and continued to hold my daughter in my arms. The full moon outside lit up her innocent little face.
Her ocean eyes were dotted with gold and fixed attentively on me, delightedly roving over every inch of my face.
Her little hand patted my chest and grasped my shirt in a tiny fist.
“Here we are again, Nicole. Time for our nightly chat…” I touched her little hand, and it vanished into mine.
Her skin was milk-white, so different from mine, but it was my blood pumping in her veins.
I was in awe at the power of nature and of a God who had given me such a miracle.
“You know, Daddy gets afraid sometimes of watching you grow up in this messed-up world. Afraid you might meet evil people, people who might do mean things. Things I’d never want you to experience or even know about.
Never.” I breathed in her smell: baby powder and innocence and mine, and she kicked her plump legs, landing small blows on my thigh.
“Your life and Mama’s life are everything to me.
The only things that really matter. And I’ll always protect you.
You know, before you, I didn’t want to have a daughter because I was afraid.
And then you were born, and I’m still so scared.
I’m not a perfect man, but I do want to be a good father for you.
” She wrapped her small hand around my index finger as if to show me how she was clinging to me—how she needed me.
“The first time you smiled at me, I knew that you were my second chance. Daddy promises to never let you down.
“I’ll always be there for you. I’ll tell you everything, all about Mama and me. I’ll tell you about Grandpa John and Grandma Judith. I’ll explain why Uncle Logan is a puppy and Aunt Chloe is a koala.
“I’ll tell you all about my life, a life that began the day I met Tinkerbell and led up to the joy of your birth.
” I stood up, my peaceful, sleepy girl nestled in my arms. Her lips parted in a minuscule yawn as she snuggled closer to me.
I kissed her forehead and hugged her gently, trying to banish the fear of not living up to her expectations.
Would she be proud of me one day?
“Asleep?”
I turned to find Selene leaning against the bathroom doorframe and watching me fondly. A silky blue-green nightie was the only thing covering her curvy body. Her nipples pressed against the fabric that caressed her soft body just like my hands were about to do.
I glanced down at our Little Pearl and found her eyes closed. Nicole was sleeping sweetly in my arms, as she often did.
My voice was the only lullaby sure to make her fall asleep quickly.
“She has as much hair as you do.” Selene moved closer and began rubbing my shoulders. I shivered. Her touch was pure fire.
“Yeah, she’s pretty like Daddy,” I answered smugly. Selene rolled her eyes, took the baby, and moved over to the crib.
“Let’s try to be quiet until she gets into deeper sleep.” Selene returned to me, and I grabbed her hand, guiding her to the leather armchair in front of the window. The room was dark, save for the glow of a small table lamp.
I sat down and pulled her onto my lap, maneuvering her until she was straddling my hips. When she opened her eyes indulgently, the contact gave me goosebumps all over like a teenager. My eyes ate up her bare legs, and my hands followed, touching them possessively all the way up to her ass.
“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had,” I whispered breathlessly as I slipped my fingers beneath the straps of her nightgown and kissed the hollow of her throat. Her throat, her jaw, all the way up to her lush lips.
“Thank you,” I whispered in her ear, my voice unsteady; it was as though our souls had briefly touched, and it left me shaken.
“For what?” she murmured. I smoothed down her long hair and then traced down and down the curve of her spine.
“Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for continuing to be my Neverland and for giving me the greatest gift: our Little Pearl,” I admitted uncomfortably. I still wasn’t used to exposing myself like that.
Her eyes gleamed with love, and I knew she was about to cry.
“No, Babygirl, don’t do that,” I muttered gruffly.
She broke into laughter instead and rested her head in the crook of my neck, holding on tight to me.
I wanted to keep kissing her and take off the rest of her clothes, but I was distracted by a small figure staring at us.
The Boy stood just a few feet away in his familiar Oklahoma City jersey and dirty shorts with an insolent smile on his face.
I was not surprised. I often encountered him around the house or even at my office.
He was always there, and he probably always would be.
I had not abandoned him—I could never.
I still had nightmares about Kimberly, but every time I did, Selene was always there to touch me and hold me close and remind me that dreams existed also.
I had gone back on the medication that I’d stopped against Dr. Lively’s advice all those years ago, and I acknowledged that I would likely have to take it for the rest of my life because the things that troubled me were not the kind of things you cured.
The best I could do was keep them under control, but even in that, I had brave Selene by my side to help me manage my impulses and to soften my rough edges.
I still went to group sessions at Dr. Lively’s office at least twice a month, and Selene went with me, holding my hand tight to remind me that everything we went through, we went through together.
I gestured for the Boy to get out because this was for sure not the moment to talk to me, and he chuckled as he ran over to the window. He climbed up onto the sill, and before opening it, he turned to look at me.
Over time, the two souls in my body had reached a state of compromise. They were no longer at war; neither was a winner nor a loser.
There would always be an Adult Neil just as there would always be the Boy, who now threw open the window and took flight, vanishing into the starry sky.
I knew that he would be back, just not to hurt me this time.
“What are you looking at?” Selene said. I looked away from the window to her ocean eyes and reached out to touch her lips. All was well; the Boy had simply learned how to fly away from the pain, and I had accepted his presence inside myself.
“Nothing, Tinkerbell.” I shrugged and slid my hand into her hair, cupping the back of her head and drawing her to me. I made only one request of her, the only one I’d ever really needed: “Kiss me…”
She stared at me, maybe wondering when I had been contaminated by her.
From the very first moment I met her.
I did not consider myself a perfect man, and I knew I never would be. Maybe that was all love really was: accepting yourself and all your imperfections.
There are no fairy tales, just stories with love in them—love in all its forms.
Once, in a grocery store, I told Selene a story about her future.
I told her how she’d have two beautiful children—a girl and a boy. How she’d have a beautiful home and a husband who adored her. I told her that she would be an independent, appealing, elegant woman and how her daughter would have her ocean eyes and her son her tenacity.
I told her about the parties she’d have with music and barbecue and how she’d be an exemplary mother, a dream wife, and the perfect woman.
I even told her that her husband would be a lucky man.
But I’d gotten one thing wrong. I told her that I would be far away from all of it, traveling aimlessly across the world.
Instead, I would be the man at her side, the father of her children, and she would be my future, along with the chaos that always circled around me, the issues I would always have, and the ever-present ghosts of my past. And we had made our peace with that.
There was lots that was imperfect about us, but that’s what made us unique. Who wanted another charming prince and a princess?
Instead, I would always be a dark knight with torments deep inside, and my Babygirl would always be the greatest of warriors.
And now you who have gotten to know me and come this far, having read my story and heard all about the chaos surrounding me, tell me the truth: How often did you want to smack me?
You might have thought my way of being impossible to understand, my nature terrible, my mind twisted, but if I’ve lingered in your heart at least a little bit…
Never think that you can’t do it.
Never think that the light does not exist or that not everyone is meant for the sun.
That life is a tunnel with no exit.
Do not forget that the sky is vast enough to offer opportunity to everyone.
Do not think that you are alone or that you aren’t strong enough to face this life.
Never believe that you are fundamentally wrong.
No one ever said it was easy, but no one ever said it was impossible.
Be happy.
Seek happiness everywhere.
Love and accept yourself.
Fight your monsters and slay them.
Grab your past by the hair and toss it away from you.
Seek out your Neverland.
They hide, but I can tell you that they do exist.
It manifests in different ways and takes on all sorts of disguises, but it’s there, and it’s close.
Look around; it likes to play hide-and-seek, but I’m confident you’ll find it.
Look for a star—or fifty thousand of them—up in the sky, and let it obscure your troubles.
Have a piece of candy or a slice of cherry pie and savor the sweet parts of life.
Or open up a bag of pistachios and think of me as though I were right there, your hand in mine.
Fly high over the obstacles in your path the way that Peter Pan and Tinkerbell would.
Keep smiling.
There is a second chance for everyone; there’s one for you too.
You are not a monster.
The ones who hurt you are.
Rest a hand on your chest and close your eyes.
You can feel your heart beating, can’t you?
That means Life is on your side.
So live and do it to the fullest.
Fuck what other people think.
That’s what I did.
I moved on, and finally…I won.
And now it’s us: Neil, Selene, and Nicole.
Two Pearls and their Shell.
…For all victims of violence and sexual abuse.