17. Sugar in the Gas Tank
Sugar in the Gas Tank
Our Dolly. It kept circling in my head, invading all my thoughts.
Our. Did he really mean that? Was he picturing our future together?
Why did it excite me, but also scare the shit out of me?
I think the smart thing would be to feel hesitant about it, but the logical side of my brain was clearly clocked out for the day, and only my traitorous vagina was online.
My body screamed YES! We do want that. We want to lock that shit down now. Clearly, I have lost my damn mind.
“Hellooo. Earth to Allie?” Emma waved her hand in front of my face to get me to focus. We were lounging in the living room in our pajamas, eating pizza, The Vampire Diaries playing in the background, long forgotten as we caught up.
“Sorry, Em, I’m getting lost in my own head. Do you think I’m moving too fast with Spencer?” Blurting out the question that’s been eating at me since he asked me to be his.
“No… Why would you ask that?” She took a drink of her wine, eyeing me skeptically.
“Yeah, I mean, you two seem fairly happy from what you’ve told us, so what’s bringing this on?” Rachel chimed in from her spot on the floor as she sorted through the boxes of pizza that covered the coffee table, searching for the ham and pineapple stuffed crust. Our personal favorite.
“Well, he asked me out officially. As in the whole boyfriend and girlfriend label. We only met a week ago, which I think most people would classify as fast.” No one’s opinion on our relationship mattered, no matter how new it was, but unfortunately for me, I needed reassurance.
Both of my friends stared at me, looking for what, I wasn’t sure.
They shared a knowing look, and Emma finally spoke.
“Allie, you’re a grown woman. What anyone thinks of how you choose to date is none of their business.
As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.
Besides, it's not totally uncommon to date so soon.” She shrugged and took another sip of her wine.
“And it isn’t like you don’t know this either.
But you’re always putting everyone else's opinions before yours,” Rachel tacked on to what Emma said as she leaned forward to grab her wine from the table.
Emma nodded in agreement, causing her giant bun on the top of her head to move, and her oversized shirt slid off one shoulder.
I swirled my glass in my hand, not sure what to say back to either of them. Spencer did make me happy. He made me feel light and giddy. Would those feelings continue to grow into more?
“Trouble in paradise already?” Emma said as she poked me with her toe, breaking me out of my daze.
“No, nothing like that. It’s the opposite, actually.
Earlier, when Spencer and I were talking, he accidentally said ‘Our Dolly’, as if she was our dog, and I don’t know if he meant to and is thinking about our future, or if it was just an accident.
But also, it simultaneously scares and doesn’t scare me that he could have meant it to.
Not sure if any of that made any sense.” I ran my fingers back and forth on the edge of the fraying quilt I was currently wrapped in—a beautiful patchwork of burnt oranges, yellows, greens, reds, and creams that my granny made me.
It was my most prized possession. If fall were a blanket, it would be this one.
Some of the squares had line work of leaves or other greenery that all tied into each other.
Whenever I was feeling especially down or having a rough day, I wrapped myself up in it.
Even though she was gone, it made me feel like a part of her was here with me.
“Could’ve been an accident.” She shrugged and nestled back into the couch more. “I mean, I call your house home sometimes. Even if he was thinking about your future, isn't that a good thing?”
“Yes? Maybe? I don’t want to be stuck in another shitty relationship, and like you said, it is early too.
It’s only been a couple of weeks, but I don’t know how to explain it, Emma.
It’s like my soul knows him on a totally other level.
Almost like our souls were floating parallel to one another in this universe, and now they’ve found where they belong. ”
“That is some swoon-worthy shit right there. But Allie, for real, as long as you’re happy and he doesn’t have some insane red flags, then just go with the flow.
If you end up not being compatible, then you break up,” Rachel piped in, shrugging her shoulders as she stood to join us on the couch.
If there was one major difference between Rachel and me, it was that she didn’t plan anything and, as she mentioned, went with the flow on everything.
Somehow, it always worked out for her too.
I, however, needed plans made for everything.
“Amen to that one. I already have one divorce under my belt. I won’t ever marry again.” Emma raised her glass before taking a deep sip of the wine.
“Speaking of…” I shot her a look that meant we were about to have a serious talk. Rachel plopped down next to me and tucked her legs under her.
“God no, Allie, please. I don’t want to talk about Carson.”
“How do you know it’s about Carson, hmm?” I cocked a brow at her as I took another sip of my drink.
“Wait, who's Carson? What have I missed?” Rachel asked.
“Well, it was an educated guess, is all,” Emma muttered as she sipped on her wine. She turned away from me, but I could see her blush starting.
“I’m just curious. We always tell each other everything, but you've not said a single word? I’ll drop it if you want, but I want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what.”
She let out a deep sigh, staring into her wine before answering me, and when she did, it was barely above a whisper, “I’m worried how you’re both going to think of me and maybe even judge me.”
I scooted over closer and grabbed her hands, “Emma Lewis, look at me.” She turned her face toward me, eyes starting to glass over with tears wanting to spill, “I would never judge you, and you know that. How much shit have I done and you’ve never once questioned or judged me?”
“Same with me, girl. I know I joined later in life, but you’ve seen me at some low moments and were always there to lift me up. You’ve been one of the most amazing friends I could’ve found.” Rachel said to her as she reached across to squeeze her leg.
The three of us became a friend group once I started working at Prestige. It started with Rachel and me bonding at work, which turned into hangouts outside of work, and eventually, I introduced the two of them, and we’ve been a unit ever since.
“I know, but this is different. I—” She let out a shaky breath. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell anyone, that means Spencer, and you can’t judge me, okay?”
“That’s what sisters are for. I will never judge you, Em, never.”
“Me either, girl. We’re here for you,” Rachel agreed.
“Do you remember right at the end of my divorce how I went on that cruise by myself?”
“God, yes. I was a nervous wreck because it was a week-long cruise, and no one traveled with you. I can’t believe it’s been seven years now.”
“Oh, I remember the constant texts to check in.” She laughed and took another deep swig of her drink before continuing, “Well, during the cruise I did a lot of lying out, reading, swimming—your normal solo self-care stuff, right? I also used the gym so I could try and stay on track since that was when we first started getting into working out. Well, one day I ran into this gorgeous man while heading there, and I mean, I ran right into his chest because I was checking my itinerary on my phone. He was so sweet and caught me, and he apologized even though it was my fault. I stumbled over my words and quickly ran into the gym.” She had stopped talking and had this far-off look in her eyes as if she was reliving the moment again.
I squeezed her hands, letting her know I was still listening and she could continue whenever she felt ready.
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly before going on.
“That night, they had this party on the upper deck that was for singles. My divorce had only been finalized for, what, a month by that point? I needed a change, I needed to feel something other than self-loathing and doubt that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, because that’s what everyone kept telling me.
I waited to go till a little after it had started, and I guess he had the same idea because we ran into each other again.
He bought me a drink, we talked, and we ended up back in his suite.
We actually ended up talking most of the week and spending some, um, time together if you get what I mean.
Well, one morning, a couple from my old church came up and started asking about Dalton and why a husband and wife weren’t on such a lovely trip together.
” She let out a small sob, and I pulled her into my chest to hold her and rubbed circles on her back.
Rachel jumped up, moved to her other side, and wrapped her arms around her as best she could.
After a few moments, Emma continued, “Carson excused himself, and when I went to try to find him, he didn’t even let me explain; he just shut down and said he didn’t want to be someone’s dirty secret, and I never heard from him again.
” Emma sniffled some more before it turned into full-body sobs.
I took the glass from her hand and set it down on the table so we didn’t spill it.
“Hey, shh, it’s okay, I’m here for you.” I let her cry it out and held her. This must have been eating at her for the last seven years. She’s more stubborn than I am when it comes to unpacking stuff; sometimes I swear. If there was one thing she excelled at, it was compartmentalizing her emotions.
“Up until they came up to us, I was feeling normal again, I felt wanted and alive. I didn’t feel broken.
Carson looked at me in a way that I hadn’t seen in a really long time.
It had stung because it was all still so fresh.
I don’t even know why I’m crying right now.
I’m more pissed at how he acted, but also thinking back on the time with Dalton makes me so sad, and also mad at myself that I didn’t see what he was doing. ”
“I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying this alone.
Honey, that's not good for you. I know we both get in our own way sometimes, but your marriage and divorce were hard, and that’s putting it lightly.
I can only imagine how deep those words cut you.
” I squeezed her again in another hug, “But I’ll do my best to keep you two separated, I promise.
” I leaned up, grabbed a napkin, and passed it to Emma.
“Everyone’s timeline for healing is different, too, so just because it had only been a month, if you felt ready to move on, even if just causally, then that’s okay. No one can tell you how to feel except yourself.” Rachel was running her fingers through Emma’s hair.
“No, it’s okay, I don’t want to mess up your relationship with Spencer because he seems like such an amazing guy. Maybe I’ll swallow my pride at some point and talk to him. I should chew him out for how dismissive he was.” She scoffed as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
“If you need backup, I’m here for you. I can bust his knee caps if you want? Sugar in the gas tank? We can break out the black-eyed peas and tarp if we need to.” I waggled my brows at her.
She busted out laughing and started to wheeze because she couldn’t breathe, sounding like a seal, which in turn made Rachel and me laugh twice as hard.
“Oh god, my ribs, they hurt, stop making me laugh!” Emma’s arm was banded around her chest as she bent over with laughter.
“You started it, Ems! You sounded like a dying animal or something.” Rachel got out between wheezes.
“Screw you!” Our fit of laughter continued till we eventually settled down. “Thank you both for listening to me. I should have told you forever ago, but we both know how I am. I don’t know what I’d do without ya’ll.”
“Of course, lovebug, I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me, no matter what. I love you so much.”
“No matter what, Ems, we’re here for you. Pinky promise.” Rachel stuck her pinky out, and we all clumsily wrapped them around one another, laughing again.
“I love you too. Wanna eat too much ice cream till we’re sick and watch Hocus Pocus?”
“Say less. I’ll grab everything while you get the movie started.”
“And I’ll grab us more wine!” Rachel added as she headed to the kitchen to grab the bottle.
Cuddled up together on the couch with almost every blanket I had and the tub of ice cream between us as we watched the movie, and then one of our favorite YouTubers did her makeup and talked about true crime for a few hours.
Knowing now what happened, Carson was on my shit list until Em told me otherwise. Maybe he had a reason for acting how he did, but until he explained himself to her and apologized, well, he could fuck off. I’ll be polite for Spencer's sake, but no one messes with mine.
Rachel didn’t stay the night since she had a family gathering the next day.
After she left, Emma and I went and crawled into bed together, scrolling our phones in silence.
Emma fell asleep before me with her phone still in her hand, so I gently took it and plugged it up for her.
The woman sleeps like a rock, I swear. It had been an hour since Spencer had last texted me.
I’m sure he was in some game or something with his friends. I already missed him so much.
Needy much there, Allie?
I slid out of the bed as easily as I could without falling off the side and tiptoed to the bathroom, gently closing the door so as not to wake Emma, and flipped the light on.
Taking my pajamas off and laying them to the side, I propped my phone up on the counter with the timer set.
Before I could overthink it, I posed in a few different angles and started snapping some pictures.
When I was happy with how they turned out, I put them in a hidden folder and redressed.
Leaning up against the counter, I scrolled through them, finding my favs.
I cropped a couple down and shot a quick text off to Spencer.
Allie: Here’s a good luck charm for your next game ;)
Spencer: Fuck me look at you
Spencer: You’re fucking magnificent
Spencer: I’m not going to be able to focus on the game now
Allie: Well you better because I don’t want to be blamed because you lost ;)
Spencer: All I’m thinking about is you now
I quietly turned the light off, snuck back into bed, plugged my phone in, and lay down.
Spencer: How do you feel about bondage
Allie: Well that was out of left field sir
Spencer: It’s for educational purposes
Allie: What could possible be educational about that?
Spencer: I guess you’ll just have to find out
Allie: -_-
Allie: This is not fair because now I’m thinking about it
Allie: And I can’t do anything because Em is here
Spencer: Sleep tight princess I’ll see you tomorrow