Broken
Halloween was a night for the books. There was nothing better than parties with just your close group.
As I’ve gotten older, going out appeals less and less to me.
But staying home alone or staying in with friends?
Sold. It made me so happy that everyone was on board with dressing up, too, because it made it all the more fun.
After work on Monday, I deep-cleaned the whole house with the help of Spencer.
I washed the bedding, dusted, mopped, did laundry, the whole nine yards.
The house smelled like cleaner and fresh laundry, and it was heavenly.
I went ahead and lit the candles as well to add in a crisp, pumpkin-and-vanilla fall scent.
I was getting dinner started when my phone started going off.
I peeked at my watch and saw it was my mom calling, so I ran to the living room where it was sitting and answered before it went to voicemail.
“Hey, Mom, everything ok?” I asked as I put the phone to my ear.
“Does something have to be wrong in order for me to call you?” She laughed, but I could hear a slight hesitation in her voice.
“Well, no, but you usually text me first, that’s all. We’re a strictly text-first unless something is wrong family.”
“That’s true.” She paused, and I could sense she was trying to find the right words before she continued.
“I know it’s not your normal situation, but I wanted to tell you.
I just got a call from the ER. Turns out your father had me down as an emergency contact in the system still.
He was rushed in due to a heart attack and possible stroke, but he crashed.
They weren’t able to save him.” I took in the words she said, waiting for me to feel something akin to sadness, but nothing came.
If anything, I felt a stab of guilt, because my first instinct was to feel relief.
Relief that I would never have to block another account from him. That I wouldn’t continuously get messages gaslighting me that what he did never happened, and that I should be a good daughter and forgive him. The only thing I was worried about was Olivia and whether she knew.
“Sweetie, are you okay? Hello?” My mom’s voice brought me back into focus.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry, I just—is it bad that I don’t feel sad about this? I feel like I should, but I dunno, I don’t. My first reaction was relief.”
“Any feelings you have are valid, sweet pea. Like I said, this situation is different, given what he did. If it helps any, I almost jumped for joy when they told me. Maybe that makes me a bad person too.” I laughed because I could see her now.
“What about Olivia? Does she know?”
“She does. She was here with me when I got the call from them. You know how your sister is, and she rarely shows much emotion as it is. She said she was fine and that she hardly knew him because he left so early and didn’t try to have a relationship with her.”
“That’s true, she was only two when he left, and all he ever did was make our life a living hell. Well good. Good. I’m glad she’s okay.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see.
“Let me know if you need anything, sweetie. We still on for dinner this week?” I could hear her shuffling around, likely getting dinner ready for them herself.
“Yep, all good still. Oh, and guess what! I got an interview for that big promotion!” I still couldn’t believe I had gotten that email.
“That’s my girl. I knew you could. You’re so smart, Allie, and I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mama, I appreciate it. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby girl. Go enjoy your evening, and I’ll see you later this week.” She sounded so much more tired than usual. A pit started to form in my stomach. I’m sure she was fine, but I always worried about those I cared for.
“You too, and tell that spawn I said love you!”
“Allie Grace, what have I told you about calling your sister a spawn!” She squealed into the phone as I tried to stifle my laugh.
“Bye, Mom, love you!” I hung the phone up, and Spencer was sitting quietly at the bar.
“Everything okay?” he asked tentatively.
“Yeah, it was my mom. She was calling me to tell me that my dad passed.” I blew out a breath, still unsure about how I was feeling, or lack of feelings was more like it.
“Oh shit. Are you okay?” He got up and walked around to me.
“Oddly enough, I am. Does that make me a bad person? A bad daughter? God, something must be wrong with me.” I covered my face in my hands because who didn’t feel bad when someone died?
“Never, Allie. You cut him off for a very good reason. He abused you, and you cut him off. You set your boundaries, and even in passing, he isn’t entitled to your time. Does that make sense?”
“It does, I guess, it’s an odd feeling, ya know?” I wrapped the cardigan I was wearing around myself.
“I get that. Is there anything I can do for you? How about I finish dinner for you?” He gently rubbed his hands along my arms.
“I’m good, I promise. You can finish dinner up if you’d like. ” I sat down at the bar and sent Olivia a quick text to check on her, before checking in with Emma as well. I sat there watching Spencer cook, observing the movement in his broad shoulders and muscled back as he did.
I thought about how he knew all the parts of me that were broken and ugly.
The ones I kept locked away from the world, so the image they had was of someone carefully crafted and put together.
Not once has he shied away or backed down.
He embraced all the parts of me I hated, and he welcomed them with open and loving arms. He saw me for me and decided that I was worth loving, jagged edges and all.
Once dinner was done, Spencer made us both plates, and we cozied up on the couch to play the newest game he got for us and eat.
I still wasn’t very good at them, but I had so much fun playing them.
He tried to show me how to play his more intense games, but those aren’t for me.
I like the more cozy games. We still managed to play for hours, sometimes getting lost in the games and his patience in teaching me.
Spencer’s phone chimed with an incoming text from Carson asking to play.
I shooed him off, wanting to crack open a book because I hadn’t had the time recently.
Grabbing one of the new books Spencer got me, I settled into the couch to immerse myself in the story.
Dolly was cuddled up next to me, there was a pumpkin-and-vanilla candle lit on the table, and the windows were cracked, letting the night breeze in.
It was a peaceful moment that I nestled into like a warm blanket, letting the silence fall around me and ground me.
I knew this week would be busy with interview prep and then dinner with my family.
I also wanted to get the fall decorations down and start putting up the Christmas ones.
So what if it was the first week of November?
Let a girl be holly and jolly while also enjoying her Thanksgiving food too. Sue me.
Since Spencer and I were living together, I wanted to broach the subject of us potentially hosting Thanksgiving as well.
It would only be my mom, sister, and Emma, since she didn’t talk to her parents any longer.
Thinking about it made me realize that we all have some kind of fucked up childhood trauma.
It’s like we just attracted one another.
“Shh, it’s okay, baby girl, I got you. Let's get you into bed.” A hazy voice filtered into my thoughts.
I must have dozed off as strong arms wrapped tighter around me, holding me close to his chest as I stirred.
The soft glow of the lamp illuminated the room as he walked over to my side of the bed.
Lying me down, he made sure to pull the covers over me and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead.
“Get some rest, sweetheart. I love you.”