Chapter 5
I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna be your person
“Okay, hear me out. Now that you and Jayden are broken up for good, I think you should start dating again.” Jules pushed my feet aside and sat next to me on my bed.
We were in my dorm room, which had two single beds, matching dressers and desks facing a series of ribbon windows, two shoe-sized closets, a small fridge, and a microwave.
Like the rest of the building, the walls were painted a pastel blue, and the floors were covered in sand-beige linoleum.
While the comforter and pillows on my bed featured an array of colors, Cassidy’s were all neutral tones like slate gray and black, matching her wardrobe.
My roommate had pinned posters of rock bands on her side of the room, while my walls were mostly bare, just a few pictures from back home and some medals pinned to the cork bulletin board above my bed.
I ran a fingertip along the stitching on my comforter. “Too soon. We only ended things officially like two weeks ago.”
“Exactly. It’s already October, and you’ve been hiding here unless you’re working, in class, or you’re training. I gave you time, but tonight you’re coming out with us.”
“Hard pass. Did you forget I had a meet earlier? I’m drained.
I have a date, but with my bed, a warm blanket, some take-out Thai food, and a book or a movie.
I may even treat myself to a face mask or a pedicure…
or both. I have this new blush-peach nail polish my mom sent over, along with dark chocolate, fluffy socks, and a stuffed turtle in some sort of post-breakup make you feel good package I’m dying to try. You’re welcome to stay.”
“Can’t. I told Shawn I’d join him.” She bit on her thumbnail.
“Are you guys still together?”
“Let’s just say it’s still complicated. I love him.” She exhaled. “He’s asking for a little more time to deal with his shit, so I’m trying to be a supportive girlfriend and give it to him. He even hinted at us spending the holidays at his parents’ house in Kentucky. We’ll see.”
“He loves you. That is pretty evident every time he looks at you. Perhaps he needs to work through some stuff that happened to him before you. Childhood unresolved issues often haunt people when they grow up. We all need to care more about our broken inner child. I know mine has required more love than usual in the last year.”
“That’s deep.”
We exchanged small smiles.
“I just wish Shawn would be honest with me and confide in me. I won’t judge him, no matter what the truth is.”
I squeezed her hand. “Yep, it makes sense. Are you still up for our study session tomorrow morning? I’m going on a run with Don, but I should be free right after. I have a shift at Lola’s from three to ten afterward.”
“I am. I’m spending the night at Shawn’s, so I’ll be just a few minutes’ walk from Hot Shot. Do you know if Cassie is working?” She gestured to the bed opposite us with her chin. “I still can taste that special espresso she made me the last time. I’ve been dreaming about it since then.”
“She is. I already checked with her when we saw each other for a total of six minutes this morning.”
“Awesome.” She moved to stand. “I should go. I have my weekly phone call with my dad in twenty minutes. I really wish we could live in the same building, you and I. Things would be so much easier, and I wouldn’t have to rush to my dorm every time.”
“Next year, we can apply to get one of those big rooms with three bedrooms and a small kitchen, you, me, and Cassie. They have some on the fifth and sixth floors.”
“I love the idea. Unless Shawn takes his head out of his ass and asks me to move in with him, I’m all in.”
Jules and Shawn had met during the summer between their junior and senior years of high school when two of their best friends started dating, only to realize they would be attending the same college.
Their relationship got off to a rocky start after he refused to take Jules home to meet his parents on his birthday, but most of the time, they were inseparable.
Even I had to admit they were a great match and looked perfect together.
“I’ll fill out the paperwork. I’m sure if you have a change of heart, it won’t be hard to find someone decent to take your place.”
We high-fived. “You’ve got a deal.” She opened the door, hesitating on the doorstep. “If you change your mind about tonight, call me.”
“I will. Thanks.”
Slouching back on my bed, I pulled up the news on my laptop and froze when the screen filled with the highlights of today’s away game between the Phoenix and the Vikings from Wimberly College.
I watched for a moment as the reporter interviewed Mason about their win and congratulated him on their last play.
He raked his fingers through his disheveled hair, and when he looked at the camera for a second, it felt as if he was staring right at me.
Something clenched in my core, and I struggled to breathe.
I jabbed the Escape key a few times before slamming my laptop shut. In a moment of weakness, I grabbed my phone and texted Jayden. I shouldn’t contact him. That was what we had agreed on, but I missed him, and thinking about Mason Pierce was just confusing my mind and body, which I didn’t like.
Me
Hey, it’s me. It’s weird not talking to you these days. Jeremy sent me a clip of your most recent gig, and I watched your last game on TV at work. I’m sorry I missed both.
Anyway, I wanted to say hi and that I miss you. I hope you’re doing okay. Call me…or not. Your choice. Night.
What was I doing? Jayden and I had broken up.
While he hadn’t been my first love, he had been my first real boyfriend, and even though our breakup was mutual because the long-distance thing felt impossible, I still thought about him.
Every time I woke up, I still expected a good morning text on my phone but found none.
Living in two different time zones had complicated things even more for us since our schedules never matched.
I wished Paige were here, or that I could call her and get her input on the entire Jayden thing.
For years, we had told each other everything.
Right now, I felt more alone than I had in a long time.
I was aware I was the one who had pushed my best friend out of my life when what she did felt like the ultimate act of treason, but deep down, I missed her.
A lot. I wished she had reached out after whatever went down between her and Craig.
That I could have been her confidante like I used to be back when we were joined at the hip.
I sighed. It was all wishful thinking, and I was only hurting myself by rehashing the past. She had moved on, and I had too.
Maybe it was for the best after all. I had this new life here, and I was excited about this next chapter and eager to see where it would take me.
I shook my head and changed into a flamingo-pink fluffy bathrobe.
After placing an order at my favorite little eatery two blocks outside of campus, I gathered my shower caddy.
I was about to leave my room to go to the communal showers when my phone rang.
I whirled around, bumped my shin against my bed frame, and scrambled to grab it from beside my pillow.
My heart pinched when I saw the name flashing on the screen.
For a second, I hesitated to answer, but my finger pressed the accept call button before I had made up my mind.
“Hey you. Is this a bad time?”
Nostalgia pangs hit me at the sound of his voice. I swallowed, not sure what I should say even though I’d rehearsed this moment in my head for a while.
I cleared my throat. “N-no. All good.”
“I was thinking about you… I miss you too.”
“Jay—”
“I know. We’re supposed to have a clean break, but you reached out first.”
“I just… I wish things were different.”
“Me too… I’m pretty sure you’ll always be the one who got away, Mel.”
I would have liked to be able to say the same thing about him, but my mouth refused to cooperate and speak out the words. Deep down, I knew that if I mirrored his words, it would be a lie.
Jayden’s sharp intake of breath filled the silence on the other end of the line, and I blinked away the moisture in my eyes.
He sighed loudly. “I wish we had been better at the long-distance thing.”
“At least we tried. It must count for something, no?”
“Yeah, well, it was a disaster.”
We remained silent for a long time.
“If I had played for Crestwood U, do you think we would have made it in the long run, you and I?” He sounded so deflated, and I hated how I couldn’t reassure him.
“The truth? I don’t know. We had a great time together. Maybe it’s true everything good must come to an end at some point.”
“Mel…”
I sat on the edge of the mattress, and my shoulders sagged forward as the next words left my mouth. “Jay, I’m trying to find some sort of explanation so the reality of our situation hurts a bit less.”
“I know.” A long pause. “Will you…huh…will you go back to him?” I could hear the pain in his voice, the fear, the defeat. “If you see him, will you rekindle what you guys had if he wants to?”
I took a big inhale. “No. Mason and I, we were friends. Past tense. It’s over. I have no desire to rekindle anything. We’re not the same people we used to be. It’s better if we stay apart.”
“Did he…did he contact you? Have you seen him? Knowing Pierce, I’m sure he’s a celebrity all over Crestwood by now.”
“Huh, he came to Lola’s the other night. We spoke for a total of two minutes and only because one of his teammates was being a perv and Mase jumped in to shut him up. I didn’t ask him to get involved, though. Anyway, I haven’t seen him since, and I have no reason to seek him out.”
“O-okay. It makes me feel better.” His tone told a different story.
“I told you Mason isn’t the bad guy you’ve always portrayed him to be. He has always cared for me and always put me first. But we’re old news.”