Chapter 5 #3
I swallowed, feeling all eyes on me. I was well aware nobody was judging me because we were all dealing with self-esteem and anxiety problems and distorted images of ourselves—or at least, we used to in some cases—but I still felt like I was sitting on the hot seat, ready to be crucified for my sins.
“We…” I cleared my throat. “We broke up for good. Two weeks ago. So far, I’m doing okay.
I’ve also reconnected with an old friend…
huh, not really a friend friend nowadays, but he used to be one.
I-I was spending a lot of time with him when I relapsed last year.
I hid the truth from him, and when he learned about my…
huh… problems, he wanted to be there for me, but I pushed him away, thinking it was what was best for him.
We didn’t really reconnect but bumped into each other one night.
Nothing happened. We didn’t really talk.
Sure, we exchanged a few words, but that was about it.
” Ohmygod, I was rambling. I cleared my thoughts with a shake of my head.
“It was just an encounter…I think.” My face felt hotter by the second.
It’d been a long time since I told anyone about Mason and that episode of our lives.
“Just an encounter?”
“We didn’t exchange numbers or say we’d meet again. He offered to catch up, but I turned him down.”
“Why?”
“Because it felt awkward. Too much time has passed since we last talked. Hard to explain.”
“And tell me? Was pushing him away when you hit rock bottom really the best thing for him too, you think?”
Luciana’s question acted like a stabbing wound through my chest. I didn’t wanna revisit that period of my life and the heartbreaking months that had followed.
Why hadn’t I kept quiet about Mason, and only admitted that Jayden and I were over?
Sometimes my mouth spoke without my consent or my brain’s approval.
Words my last therapist had once told me resurfaced in my mind. If you wanna heal, Melinda, you gotta be honest. Not with me, but with yourself.
Maybe she had been right, and I needed to relive Mason’s and my fallout in order to heal once and for all and move forward.
“I-I don’t know… Every time I hear his name on campus, it does something weird inside me.”
“Like what?”
“I’m not sure. I can’t tell if it’s positive—like the memories I’m holding on to are good ones—or negative, like I’m afraid it’ll reopen a wound I hope had had time to heal.”
“And how do you think you could tell if it’s a positive or a negative reaction?”
The gears of my brain spun faster. How was I supposed to know?
I hated how therapists always asked questions they clearly already knew the answers to, but you didn’t, and you were the one expected to come up with a smart response.
“Gut feeling? A hunch? How bad my insides twist when I hear his name or see his face?”
“It’s a good start. You could also write your emotions down.”
“Like journaling?”
“Yes. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how we feel, but putting it down in writing helps sort it out.”
“Oh. Okay…I can try.”
“Good. Now, let me ask you something. Did cutting him out of your life help him in any way? Was he really better off without you in his life?”
I shrugged because I had no idea. “We only saw each other that one time, and it lasted seconds. I haven’t kept tabs on him, so who knows if it has helped him or not?
I have no intention to find out. Last year, I blocked out everything related to him to make sure he wouldn’t affect me or my progress, and that I wouldn’t drag him down the rabbit hole with me. ”
“Perhaps it could be interesting to talk to him to see where you both stand. I know it’s scary, and the memory of your friendship is connected to a painful experience in your mind, but I believe it would be healthy to deal with the memory and transform it into something positive rather than something that haunts you.
I’m not telling you to befriend this boy again or anything, but I’d like you to explore the aftermath of ending your relationship during tough times, and whether it made things easier, or harder, for him.
And for you. Call it closure if you want.
I think he could also benefit from it because I’m certain there are a lot of things that have remained unsaid between you two.
If there’s a chance you bump into each other again, it would be worth it to get rid of some of the awkwardness, don’t you think? ”
I closed my eyes for a beat and breathed out before peeling my eyelids open. “Maybe.”
“All I’m asking of you is to think about it for now. See if it makes sense once you have time to mull it over.”
I nodded, not sure what to reply, pulling the sleeves of varsity sweatshirt over my hands, as if to shield myself from the reality.
Luciana continued discussing with the rest of the group, leaving me to my thoughts as I considered if what she had said about clearing the air with Mason was doable and if it would really bring me some inner peace and closure.
But mostly, I pondered whether it would do him any good too, and whether it was what he needed to move on—if he hadn’t already done so.