Chapter 9 #2
The conversation flowed easily between us all night, and it felt like Jett and I had known each other for way longer than half an hour.
When he drove me back to my dorm around midnight—after we made a pitstop in Boreal Park just on the outskirts of town to admire the stars—Jett walked me to the door of the old brick building.
“I had a great night.” He pushed back a tendril of my hair that the breeze had swept across my cheek.
His eyes traveled over my face before meeting mine.
For a second, I wondered if he would kiss me. Cassidy’s words replayed in my head. If he kisses you, then that’s a bonus. And if he doesn’t, his loss. The thought made me smile inside. “I had a great night too. Thank you for everything.”
He leaned forward, and for the second time tonight, his soft lips grazed my cheek. “Good night, Mel.”
“Good night, Jett.”
He stepped back, waiting for me to get inside before retreating to his car.
I watched as he drove away, certain I’d made a new friend tonight, but unsure if we could ever take things to the next level when the picture of a guy who wasn’t him flashed in my mind.
I groaned, burying my face in my hands. Once I calmed down, I climbed the steps to the fourth floor, fragments of my night echoing in my thoughts the whole time.
No matter how much I tried to imagine Jett with his black hair, brown eyes, and dimpled smile, disheveled brown hair, blue eyes, and a smile full of mischief replaced them.
Perhaps something was defective in my brain because it wasn’t logical for me to think about another guy when I had such a great night with one I had so much in common with.
Or perhaps I should have indulged Mason and gone out with him to get closure so he wouldn’t haunt my mind.
I tiptoed inside the room in case Cassidy was already asleep but found a note on my pillow when I turned on the lights.
Gone to Declan’s. We’re having a whale documentary marathon. Don’t wait for me.
I’ll probably crash on his couch again.
Declan was Cassidy’s coworker from Hot Shot, a physics student. They often worked the first morning shift together, and sometimes she spent the night there since his apartment was almost facing the coffee shop, which meant she could sleep in a bit longer when she stayed over.
Using a cotton pad, I removed my makeup, changed into a pair of fluffy PJ pants and a baggy T-shirt, and slipped under the covers.
When my brain threatened to navigate to uncharted territories, I sang the lyrics to my favorite song in my head, hoping it would keep the unwelcome images at bay.
I had done so that last year when my world exploded, and I felt like I was alone because everyone had turned their backs on me.
For the longest time, my heart had been shattered into pieces until Jayden and I got closer, and he became a huge part of my life, healing the broken bits of me and making me feel like I was not a total screwup after I’d pushed my best friend and Mason away.
No matter what I did, my mind reeled back to my Elk River next-door neighbor.
I tossed and turned, flipped my pillow over, wrapped and unwrapped myself in my blanket—feeling either too hot or too cold—and cursed my mind for not shutting off and letting me drift to sleep.
I repeated some meditation mantras we used in therapy to reach inner calm, but in vain.
All my feelings and thoughts were conflicted, and somehow, I couldn’t evade them tonight.
It was easy to pretend everything was fine when I was out and about, surrounded by people, playing make-believe with rehearsed smiles and feel-good lines—but in the darkness of my room, lying to myself was a different story.
I had no one to convince, just the bare truth staring me in the face and waiting for me to deal with it once and for all, which I refused to do, not ready to face the reality and the aftermath of my past actions.
At some point, I thought about going to the communal bathroom to shower. Maybe the hot water would wash my thoughts away, but it would mean having to leave the pillowy and warm cocoon of my bed, which I wasn’t willing to do.
Before I could think it through, I lowered my hand under the elastic waistband of my pajama pants to reach between my thighs.
I let out a loud breath as I rubbed my aching center with a finger.
A million sensations surged through me, both addictive and toe-curling, which I wished would lure sleep more easily.
I pictured Jayden in my head. It was a safe choice.
We had broken up, but it didn’t mean I didn’t find him handsome, because I still did.
Every time he stared at me with his dark irises, I melted a little more inside.
He possessed an aura of mystery and danger that appealed to me.
I pushed two digits inside me, seeking a quick release.
Anything to cloud my mind and soothe my body so sleep could claim me.
The more I rubbed myself, the more I felt like a live wire about to spark.
Jayden’s face faded away, and Mason’s replaced it.
“Please, stay away,” I begged, between clenched teeth, barely able to form full sentences, as pleasure built deep inside me.
“Please, Mase, not now.” Our earlier encounter had left me coiled tight.
I hated fighting with him, and yet, it always made me feel alive.
It ignited a passion from deep inside me that nothing else seemed to trigger.
I was desperate for a release, panting, no longer registering my movements.
My fingers worked faster, eliciting soft moans from me.
Images of Mason’s face, his mischievous smile, the way he looked at me the night he had touched me just like that in my bedroom a long time ago, became clearer behind my closed eyelids.
I remembered the explosion that had followed and how it had felt to touch him too.
The softness of his hard flesh. The way he’d trembled inside my fist, and how I felt knowing I was the one about to make him lose his mind until he stopped me.
Since when was he allowed to invade my fantasies?
“Mase, leave. Now.” My words were weak pleas. My body pulsated with an ache I hadn’t felt in so long.
I tried to bring back Jayden. His dark eyes and permanent frown.
Blue eyes chased the images of him away.
“Mase, why are you doing this to me? I don’t want you to… I need you to…” I bit my lower lip to avoid screaming as I jerked my head back against the pillows when a wave of pleasure filled me and brought me a much-needed sense of calm.
I shut my eyes. “I hate you. Not really. I should, though. You can’t do this to me.
But thank you, I-I craved this.” I had no memory of anything bringing me over the edge with so much intensity, and the realization messed up my feelings toward him even more than before.
Still, a soft smile stretched my lips, and this time, I didn’t have to pretend. It was stuck there.
I opened my eyes and exhaled, as my body went limp.
Nobody had to know the images my mind had conjured while I played my body.
My limbs weighed tons.
My mouth still sported that stupid, lazy smile.
I deserved that release, no matter what—or who—had brought me there. I was way past caring, relaxing even more against my pillows.
Soon, my mind settled down, and sleep stole me, and I relinquished all the remaining control I possessed to my dreams.