5. Bandaged Heart
BANDAGED HEART
KASH
Isat in Forest Hill Memorial cemetery with a bouquet of yellow roses, a bottle of Don Reposado, and a bag of Twizzlers.
Her favorite color and flower, her go to alcohol beverage, and her favorite candy.
It had been a full year since my bitch was put in the dirt and the pain was still fresh.
I was still trying to figure out how me going to get my nails done landed me here instead.
A breath of fresh air was needed. D-Row hadn’t let me come up for air since I’d been at his condo.
He had no idea how much his invite meant to me.
I was in a state of loneliness, and he fixed it with a simple “Come here”.
I practically ran to that man and now I was more scared than before ‘cause I felt like this grey could was hovering over me. D was the perfect distraction, but I didn’t want to trauma dump on him. So, I came to see my sister.
Hopping off my bike, I slowly made my way to Rose’s grave. To know the last time we kicked it, we were planning a heist. I missed her dearly.
Approaching the headstone, a weight pulled me down with each step.
I wanted to blame Dice for Rose’s death but in reality, it was mine.
I should’ve never let Rose handle the door.
That was my position, yet she insisted. Her persistence got her a first-class trip to OG and that fucked with my mental more than anything.
Stopping at her designated area, tears fell instantly.
This was never supposed to be a thing. All of my sisters were real shooters.
We put muthafuckas in the ground for far less, so her hesitation really had me puzzled as fuck.
I missed her shit talking the most. That girl could make one of the biggest niggas feel smaller than a mouse with that mouth.
I would do anything to hear and see that again.
“Hey sis’, I uhm, I made it,” I said choking up a little.
The cork to the bottle of Don was popped and I poured some out along the grassy area. I took a seat on the left side of the stone and leaned against it.
“I know you mad at me. Hell, I’m mad at me, too. Everything that’s happened is costing me happiness, sis’. I haven’t carried a real smile since you passed. It feel like an impossible task now. This shit sucks for real.”
I took a minute and just cried my eyes out.
The more I wanted to speak and fill her in the more emotional I became.
My girls knew everything about me, but Rose, that bitch saw through me.
She let me be as vulnerable as I wanted and didn’t judge me.
At this very moment, I wanted her to tell me it would all be okay.
For some reason, I believed it whenever she said it.
Almost like, if she said it, God would look out for her.
It was clear that she was his favorite ‘cause she was always smiling.
“So, Declan is still on my body. I can’t lie, I’m shocked that he is.
The nigga love my dirty draws bitch,” I said laughing it up.
“Remember when we called him up to the mall ‘cause yo’ ex, his bitch, and her brother tried to show out. Them Saint’s pulled up and shut shit down.
From that day forward, I been on him heavy.
I came back to the Valley to feel safe again.
The road is fun and always will be but it ain’t home.
I know with him… he won’t ever let me be alone. Me and the girls…”
I could barely finish my sentence. Dice and Rebel had my back through thick and thin.
However, after Rose’s death, we split and barely held enough conversation on the phone to be tracked.
We wasn’t fuckin’ with each other and that had me as gray as a cloud.
That shit hurt ‘cause they were who I turned to first. They were my rock and now… now I just had to make do.
“Me and the girls aren’t speaking right now.
Your death caused us to scatter like roaches and none of us have looked back.
It hurts, Rose. Losing you, then them… bitch I ain’t had a good day since.
To top it off, my daddy’s been on my mind as well.
I’m all fucked up, sis’, and I don’t want to ‘cause anyone else any more pain. But Declan is where I want to be. He grounds me when I realize I’ve floated too far away from myself and home.
It’s something ‘bout that nigga that pulls me back in and just settles. He told me he loved me for the first time, and I almost said that shit back.”
Truth of the matter was I really did love D.
He was the only man I saw myself with. I repelled love so much, him loving me threw me for a loop each and every time.
He was patient and deserved someone who wasn’t afraid to commit to him.
I wanted to have a moment of peace and contentment but for some reason, God wasn’t allowing it.
“I love him and would go to jail and hell ‘bout him. Had no problem beating that bitch ass at the bar that night for picking up his keys so yeah,” I voiced smirking at another memory.
“What should I do, Rose? I was drowning, sis’, but these past few days he’s pulled me out my pool of misery. I want that permanently. I just… I just don’t want to lose somebody else I care about. I distanced myself from the girls. I can’t take another loss.”
“It’s gon’ take OG himself to take you away from me this time.”
The sound of a man’s voice caused me to jump to my feet and pull my gat from my waist. I aimed it without question and was ready to pull the trigger until I realized it was Declan.
“Dammit D!” I shouted throwing my hand to my chest. “Why the hell you creeping up on me like that? And how the hell did you find me?”
He ignored me as he closed the small gap between us.
I was brought into his embrace and squeezed tightly.
I didn’t realize how much that hug was needed until I received it.
He then placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head up to him.
Those brown eyes stared back at me with so much love.
The admiration was something I cherished.
A soft kiss was administered to my lips, and I damn near melted. Everything about him just felt right.
“I’m not a nigga that check locations and shit, but my woman ain’t answered the phone for me since this morning. You had to know I was gon’ pull up on you sooner than later. Why you ain’t tell me ‘bout Rose, Ma?”
“What can I say, D? My sister is gone, and this is the first time I’m actually acknowledging it.
When it happened, I rode, and rode, and rode until I ain’t have no more gas in my bike.
I ended up in Texas and just settled there.
She’s been gone for a year now, baby. She’s really not coming back,” I quivered.
I was back in his arms being held while tears raced down my face. Dice and Rebel had no idea how much I needed their presence to balance me out. I was trying my hardest to make it through at least one day without my thoughts being so fucked up I cried. I needed my sisters for real.
“You want to tell me how she ended up here and you back in the Valley by yo’self?” he inquired.
“She hesitated. No matter the situation, D, we don’t ever hesitate.
You know that. Shit went left in the blink of an eye, and I did what was necessary.
We were in Newark, so the nearest safe house was twenty minutes away in Elizabeth.
She’s dying in my arms on the way there, baby, and I didn’t know what to do.
So, I call up this doctor that owed my father a few favors, and he came to handle her.
She died before he could even start operating on her for real.
After her funeral, me and the girls went our separate ways.
Rebel only checks in with one text every few months saying she’s alive.
Dice and I have spoken maybe twice within the last year and that was all of five minutes totaled.
I miss them so much but we ain’t seeing eye to eye right now,” I expressed.
“Why you ain’t say nothing Ma? Thank you for coming home to a nigga but damn. We talk on a regular. You could’ve said something, Sol.”
“You’re right, I could’ve. I wasn’t trying to revisit all this, though. This shit hurts, baby. I feel like I lost all my sisters that day. I needed familiarity… bad. So, I ran to you. I’m just trying to forget about everything for a while.”
“I get it. Let’s go home, eat, keep drinking, and play cards. You down?”
Nodding, I poured out some more liquor for my sister.
I then put the bag of Twizzlers on her headstone next to the flowers.
This was my way of showing her love. I would have to return in a few weeks for her birthday with the girls anyway.
I was just glad I was able to have a private moment with her.
I took subtle steps to my bike trying my hardest to suppress the pain.
I didn’t lie when I said it hurt. The pain was worse than that of my father’s death.
He wasn’t around as much but showered me financially.
I saw my bitches every single day since we ran into each other. That was a different kind of bond.
Hopping on, Declan climbed into his whip and followed close behind.
I loved him for always being so attentive with a chick.
Like, I heard and felt my phone ringing, I just didn’t have it in me to answer.
To come to me and not show an ounce of anger but strictly worry and concern said a lot. He was one of one.
The ride back to his condo was a focused one. Tears wanted to continue to fall, but I’d done more than enough back at the cemetery. All I wanted was to genuinely smile and be happy about something for once.
By the time we made it in, it was time for dinner. While he showered, I cooked. Something simple was on the menu. Beef stir fry and homemade eggrolls would fill us both up nicely. Then again, I wasn’t in the mood for anything heavy to begin with.