Chapter 10 #3
His arm locked around her. “It was a fucking nightmare, from the second I saw the blood until you woke up in Providence four hours later. The whole time, I thought I was going to lose you—and the baby. David and Victoria operated right there in the clinic, and even though I was completely panic-stricken, I knew they couldn’t possibly be equipped for an emergency of this magnitude.
And it turns out, they weren’t, but they made do with what they had because they didn’t have any choice.
From all accounts, David was fucking amazing during a surgery he’d never done by himself before.
Victoria and Mason both made a point of telling me that later.
Without him…” He released a deep breath.
“We were so lucky he was dating Daisy, and she brought him to Mac’s, otherwise he never would’ve been there.
I would’ve lost you because we wouldn’t have had time to track him down, to get you help.
That’s the part that haunts me, how your life—and our son’s life—came down to shit luck.
The randomness of it all is hard to live with. ”
“We were very lucky that day,” Janey said softly.
“But we’ve been very lucky for a long time when you think about it.
We were lucky to be born to great parents who loved us, to have an amazing life on this island we love so much, to have wonderful friends and families who love us.
We’ve always been surrounded by good luck, so it stands to reason that our luck would hold when we needed it most.”
“I suppose.”
“I’m really proud of the way you held up during all of it. From what I heard, David wasn’t the only one who was amazing. You were, too.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“How can you say that? You got me help when I needed it and stayed strong during a crisis. You’ve been my rock through it all.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew everything.”
“What don’t I know?”
Joe rubbed at the late-day stubble on his jaw. “When David was taking you into surgery… I told him… I said…”
“What did you say, Joe?”
“That if it came down to a choice—you or the baby—I wanted him to save you. And now I look at our beautiful son, and I remember how easily I chose you over him, and I hate myself for that.”
“Joe, God, I would’ve done the same thing. You hadn’t even met him yet, and you’ve loved me for years. Anyone would’ve done the same thing.”
“Still… It makes me sick to think about it now that I can hold him and touch him. Now that I love him, too.”
She put her hand on his face and turned him to look at her, brushing away his tears as she kissed him.
“I love you so much. I love the all-consuming way you love me. I’ll never forget that day on your deck when you told me you’d been in love with me for years.
I was shocked and not shocked at the same time.
With hindsight, I think I’d known all along that you loved me like that.
To hear that in the midst of the biggest crisis of your life you picked me above everything else only makes me love you more than I already do.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love P.J. with all our hearts.
It only means that he got lucky to be born to parents who love each other so much. ”
He hugged her tightly as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. “I don’t think I can do it again, Janey.”
“Do what?”
“Have another baby after what happened this time. To spend almost ten months living with that kind of fear… It would kill me.”
“Then we won’t have another one. We’ll be very thankful for the wonderful son we have and be grateful for all our many blessings.”
“You’ve said you don’t want him to be an only child.”
“I wouldn’t have chosen that for him, but he’ll be surrounded by cousins who’ll be like siblings to him. That’ll have to be enough for him.”
“Do you mean it? You’d really be okay with just having him?”
“I’d be okay with it. If we’re being entirely honest, the whole episode scared the hell out of me, too, and I only heard about it after the crisis had passed.
If we’re just going to have P.J., maybe next year I could go back to school and finish my degree.
I doubt I’d ever get around to finishing if we decided to have more kids. ”
“I’d love to see you finish school. I’d be all for that.”
“Do you feel better at all after sharing it with me?”
“A little. You might’ve been right about something…”
“Just one thing?”
His laugh let her know he was really okay. “Subconsciously, me and my boys might’ve been worried about getting you pregnant again.”
“I’ll talk to Vic about getting on something to keep that from happening. In the meantime…”
“I’ll buy some condoms.”
“I should get Mac to buy them for us. He owes me from when he was dating Maddie and made me get them for him so no one would know they were sleeping together.”
“That would be funny, but I’d rather not have your brother in our business, if it’s just the same to you.”
“So I can’t torture him even a little bit?”
“Oh, all right, have your fun, but leave me out of it.”
“I will. Let’s meet right back here tomorrow night and see how things go.”
“It’s a date.”
Relieved, Janey closed her eyes and held on tight to him, thankful that he had shared his pain with her.
“Janey?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for not dying on me. I never would’ve been able to live without you.”
“I’d like to say no problem, but that doesn’t seem appropriate since it was apparently a huge problem for you and David and many others.”
“They would all agree with me that you and our beautiful son were well worth it.”