Chapter 7
Shannon guided the motorcycle out of Seamus’s driveway and drove much faster than he should have on the island’s winding roads, the careless disregard for his own safety an unwelcome reminder of the years that followed Fiona’s death when he hadn’t given a flying fuck about anything, least of all himself.
A jumble of mixed emotions assailed him—anger, grief, sadness, frustration and love.
Yes, he loved Victoria. How could he not?
She was amazing, sweet, sexy, smart and funny.
They’d had an incredible year together, or so he’d thought.
Apparently, it hadn’t been as great for her, which was a huge surprise to him.
He’d had no idea she was in any way unhappy until Seamus told him she’d been asking about his past.
No, he did not want to talk about Fiona.
It had taken him years to be able to take a deep breath around the searing, agonizing pain in his chest after she died.
It had taken years to be able to do anything other than relentlessly grieve.
The last fecking thing in the goddamned world he wanted to do was talk about Fiona or what it’d been like to lose her.
That would be like pouring battery acid on a festering wound that had never truly healed—and never truly would.
Crushed shells crunched under his tires as he pulled into the driveway at the home he’d shared with Victoria. It had been a good year, the best one he’d had since losing Fi. He’d never deny that or even try to. Vic said she wanted more. He didn’t have more to give. It was that simple.
He parked the bike and went inside, where the familiar scent of home greeted him.
Vic fancied her candles and smelly things.
The memory of teasing her about a candle that smelled like laundry detergent stopped him in his tracks, the same way a punch to the gut would.
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, but that couldn’t keep the old familiar despair from creeping up on him.
He’d woken up this morning thinking everything was fine and now… Now it was a fecking mess again.
Life with Victoria had been peaceful and sweet and…
Fuck, he was going to miss her. He sat down hard on the bed they’d shared for so many blissful nights and dropped his head into his hands.
This, right here, was why he’d once vowed to never get involved with a woman again.
Who needed this kind of pain when it ended? And it always ended.
Running his fingers through his hair, he thought about arriving on Gansett Island, meeting Victoria that first night and being instantly wowed by her.
The first thing he’d noticed was her smile and the way it lit up her entire face.
Her pervasive joyfulness had soothed him from the beginning.
It hadn’t taken long for him to become addicted to her joy and the way he felt when he was around her.
He hadn’t come to Gansett looking for anything more than a couple of weeks away from the memories and the ghosts that had haunted him for the long years since Fiona was taken from him.
To say that his relationship with Victoria had been a huge surprise was putting it mildly.
Out of sheer necessity, he’d been with other women since he lost Fi, but Victoria had been the first relationship he’d had, and now that too was gone, leaving yet another gaping wound for him to contend with.
How many such wounds could one heart withstand in a lifetime and still beat the way it was supposed to?
Reaching under the bed, he pulled out the duffel bag he’d stashed there when he moved in and tossed it on the bed.
Without thinking too much about what he was doing, he emptied the two drawers Vic had made available to him in her dresser and retrieved his shaving bag from the bathroom.
Then he went to the closet to retrieve the few items he had on hangers and came face-to-face with the sexy black dress Victoria had worn to Dan and Kara’s wedding earlier in the month. God, she’d looked beautiful that day.
He recalled being eager to get her home the whole time they were at the wedding and thought about slow dancing with her to one song after another.
Then he’d watched her crazy antics on the dance floor with the other women to the faster songs.
At the time, he’d thought she was life personified—energy, intelligence, beauty and joy.
He kept coming back to that word when he thought of Victoria.
In recent years, he’d had so little to be joyful about that it had been the first of many things that’d attracted him to her.
“Ah, bollacks,” he muttered to the empty house. “What does it matter now what attracted you to her? It’s over. You’ve seen to that.”
Ten minutes after he began, he was completely packed, which made him realize that for all the time he’d spent in this house, he’d done almost nothing to make it his home as much as it was hers. Probably because he’d known, in his heart of hearts, that he wouldn’t be here forever.
In the kitchen, he put down his bag and peeled the key she’d given him when he moved in off his ring, placing it on the table.
His entire body ached with regret as he stared down at that key and everything it stood for, remembering the hopeful, excited expression on her face when she’d given it to him after he decided to stay on at the end of his two-week vacation.
At the time, he’d figured he’d be here a month, maybe two.
Now here it was a year later, and he’d found a whole new life here with a job he enjoyed, new friends and…
Sighing, he picked up his bag. The best part of his new life on Gansett was over now, and he’d have to find a way to accept that and move on.
He pulled the door closed behind him and made sure it was locked.
As he was strapping the duffel onto the back of his bike, his phone rang.
Seeing the call was from Seamus, he took it.
“Hey,” he said.
“Did you move out of Vic’s?”
“Yeah.”
“The company has a room at the Beachcomber. I left word at the desk that it’s okay for you to stay there.”
“I… um… Why are you helping me out after what I did today?”
“Because you’re still my cousin, and I still care about you even if I think you’re being an absolute gobshite to walk away from the woman who loves you.”
Shannon closed his eyes against the burn of tears that infuriated him. He refused to be sucked into the bottomless rabbit hole of grief once again. “I know it’s not possible for you to understand, but this is what’s best for me right now.”
“Fair enough.”
“Seamus… I’m really sorry again about today. You’ve been… really good to me through all of it, and you deserve better than what you got from me today.”
“And I’m sorry if I overstepped by talking to Vic, but I like her for you. I’ve enjoyed seeing you happy again after a long dark winter filled with despair.”
Shannon’s throat closed around a lump. He closed his eyes tight and tried to contain the rush of emotion.
Everything his cousin had said was true, but none of it changed the simple fact that Shannon was no longer capable of the level of intimacy that Victoria needed and deserved from the man in her life.
For the first time since he lost Fiona, he wished he could be different or more or whatever Victoria needed to make her happy. But that wasn’t possible.
“Call me if you need anything,” Seamus said.
His cousin’s generosity in light of the day’s events only added to the weight pressing on Shannon’s chest. “I will. Thanks.”
He stashed the phone in his pocket and straddled the bike, taking a long last look at the little house where he’d lived with Victoria.
Seamus was right—he had been happy with her.
He’d never deny that, but one of the reasons he’d been so happy was that she’d never asked for more than he had to give.
Until now.
Kick-starting the bike, he turned it toward the road and left behind the house he’d called home for the last year, weary at the thought of starting over.
Again.
Victoria woke to darkness, low voices and the giggles of little boys trying to be quiet. For a moment, she couldn’t recall why she’d been sleeping in Seamus and Carolina’s sitting room, but then it all came flooding back in a wave of painful memories that took her breath away.
Shannon was gone. Their relationship was over.
As she remembered their heated exchange in the yard and the despair she’d seen in his eyes, it literally hurt to breathe.
She gave herself a few minutes to get it together before she sat up, ran her fingers through her hair and hoped her ravaged face wouldn’t scare the boys.
After folding the blanket Seamus had covered her with and putting it over the back of the sofa, she took a deep breath and braced herself to face her friends.
The four of them were seated around the table eating hamburgers and french fries.
Jackson had ketchup on his cheek, and Kyle was talking with his mouth full while Carolina gently corrected his manners.
They made for such a sweet little family, and Victoria admired Seamus and Caro tremendously for what they’d done for the boys.
“She’s awake!” Kyle cried when he saw Victoria. “Can we be loud now?”
Seamus laughed at the question and the mouthful of food that nearly fell from Kyle’s face as he spoke. “Close yer mouth and chew.”
“I’m so sorry you had to be quiet for me,” Victoria said to Kyle.
“Hope you had a good nap,” Seamus said, studying her with concern on a face that was almost as handsome as his younger cousin’s, even when bruised and swollen. She would always be partial to Shannon’s handsome face, whether they were together or not.
“I did. Thank you so much for letting me stay. I’ll get out of your hair now.”
“You’re not in our hair,” Carolina said. “How about something to eat?”
Victoria placed a hand on her abdomen. “I don’t think I could, but thank you anyway.”