Chapter 13
Since the assault in college, Nikki had never been entirely “comfortable” with a man the way she was with Riley.
Everything about him was different, and not just because he was so sweet and sexy and easy to talk to.
It was more than that. After having met his father, brother, cousins and many of his other family members, she felt a sense of safety with him that had been missing in the past.
Other guys she’d dated hadn’t seemed to care about truly getting to know her or introducing her to their families. It’d been about one thing and one thing only.
Riley wasn’t like that. While he seemed to find her appealing, the same way other guys had in the past, he saw more than how she looked or how she might perform in bed.
He saw her, Nikki. Not Jordan’s identical twin or another easy conquest. In that way, there was absolutely nothing typical about Riley McCarthy, and that realization had her wanting things that had been impossible for her since that long-ago night changed everything for her in ways she still hadn’t fully shared with Riley.
Talking about what’d happened after that night was too painful, even all these years later.
As they often did, the memories came flooding back to remind her that she would never be “normal” again, the pain searing her as it always did, forcing her to pull back from Riley when that was the last thing she wanted to do.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I…” Oh God, please, no. Her chest tightened with the telltale signs of the dreaded panic attacks that had crippled her in the days and weeks after the assault and the nightmare that’d followed.
She pushed herself up to a seated position and focused on getting air to her lungs before the panic could take over.
“Tell me what you need,” he said, putting an arm around her.
Nikki went through the mental checklist she relied upon at times like this—everything is okay, you are safe, nothing is wrong, breathe. Just breathe. Sometimes the checklist worked, other times it didn’t. As tiny dots danced before her eyes, she feared this was going to be one of the latter cases.
“Nikki,” Riley said, giving her a gentle shake. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
She continued to focus on the burning need for oxygen and the ache in her chest.
Riley rubbed her back. “What do you need, sweetheart? Whatever it is, I’ll get it for you.”
His words as much as his tender care helped to loosen the stranglehold the panic had on her. Air came rushing back to her starving lungs, sending tears of relief and mortification cascading down her cheeks.
Riley held her through it, whispering soothing words and giving her gentle caresses that were all about comfort.
If she hadn’t already been falling hard for him, his compassion would’ve done it. When she could speak again, her first words were an apology.
“Please don’t.” He brought her head to rest against his chest as his fingers slid through her hair. “It’s my fault. I got carried away—”
“No.” She couldn’t bear to hear him blame himself. “It’s me. There are other things, about what happened in college, that I didn’t tell you, things I never talk about with anyone.” A sinking feeling of utter despair came over her. “I’ll understand if this is way too much for you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re a good guy, Riley. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t a complete mess.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not a mess.”
“We’re only scratching the surface here. It’s really okay to walk away. I swear I won’t hold it against you.”
“I sent a text to my boss Luke’s wife, Sydney, earlier.
She’s the interior designer that Abby mentioned.
I thought she might be able to give us some ideas about how we can redo the kitchen and bathrooms. Once we have a design, we can order the materials and get started on demo.
Did your grandmother give you a budget?”
“She—I… You don’t have to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Help me with the house. I’d totally understand if you…”
“Left and never came back?”
Aching, she nodded.
“Because that’s what’s happened in the past? Things got tense, and the guy took off, never to be seen or heard from again?”
She stared at him, stunned by his insight.
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily.
As much as I like kissing you and holding you and being with you like this, I like talking to you and laughing with you and thinking about what we might do to bring this magnificent old house back to life.
I like all of that as much as I like this.
” He touched his lips to hers in a sweet, undemanding caress.
She’d known he was different. He’d just proven it to her.
“And when you’re ready to talk about whatever has you so troubled, I’ll be there to listen. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Your old boss wants you back in Connecticut.”
“I told you—as long as you want me here, I’m not going. I’ll let him know on Monday.” He hesitated before adding, “Unless I’m reading this all wrong, and you really don’t want me and that’s what caused whatever just happened here.”
“You’re not reading anything wrong, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to me.”
“I don’t.” He kissed her again and reached for her sweater to help her back into it before donning his own. “I’m going to go, but I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know what Syd has available, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Make sure you close the glass doors to the fireplace before you go to bed.” The fire had died down, but glowing embers remained.
“I will.” Nikki stood on legs that felt wooden and followed him to the door as a sense of desperation descended upon her. She couldn’t let him leave like this. “Riley.”
He turned to her, zipping his coat and donning a gray knit hat.
“Despite how it might’ve seemed for the last few minutes, I had a really good time tonight. I loved meeting your brother and cousins and the others.”
“I had a great time, too.” He put an arm around her waist and brought her in close to him. “And I will call you tomorrow.”
She raised her hands to his face and kissed him. “Thank you for being awesome.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You did. More than you’ll ever know.”
He hugged her tightly and then kissed her forehead. “Get some sleep. Text me when you wake up. Okay?”
“Okay.” Nikki stood in the door and watched him dash through the cold to his truck, keeping the lights on until he was on his way.
Then she turned off the lights, locked the door and went into the living room to close the glass doors to the fireplace.
She sat on the sofa, which was still warm from their bodies.
It’d been years since her last panic attack, long enough to lull her into a false sense of security, thinking that unsavory stage of her life was in the past. Now she knew otherwise.
She normally tried not to let memories of Griffin invade her thoughts, but as if seven years hadn’t gone by, he was right there, front and center, torturing her with regrets and guilt. Years of therapy had helped her cope, but tonight’s events had her wondering if she’d made any progress at all.
Riley would come back, because that was who he was.
But once he realized what he was up against, he’d quietly disappear from her life.
That was what’d happened with the other two guys she’d dated since Griffin.
They’d quickly figured out that she was going to be too much work and moved on, which had been fine with her. In fact, it’d been a relief both times.
But with Riley…
She took a deep breath and blew it out.
If he quietly disappeared, she’d miss him. Possibly forever.
Driving home on dark, bending roads, Riley asked himself what the hell had happened back there. Everything had been fine one second and not fine the next. What’d caused her to panic? He’d followed her lead, so he was almost positive he hadn’t done anything that scared her.
The not knowing was going to drive him mad.
He arrived home, where Finn was watching an old episode of The Office and drinking a beer.
“Did you strike out?” Finn asked.
Riley wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up, that he was in no mood for his crap, but he didn’t say either of those things. Instead, he went straight to the bathroom and then into his room.
“What’s wrong?”
Riley looked up to find Finn standing in the doorway, still holding the beer bottle. “Nothing.”
“Okay, if you want to play it that way, but you forget that I know you, and I could tell the second you came in the door that something was up. Are you already fighting with her? Isn’t this supposed to be the rose-colored-glasses portion of the program?”
“I’m not fighting with her.”
“If you say so.”
“It’s not that.” Riley hadn’t intended to confide in Finn, but he needed to tell someone, and for all his asshattery, Finn had his back. “She’s been through some things, traumatic things…”
“Oh damn,” Finn said, leaning against the doorframe. He wore only basketball shorts, and his dark hair stood on end in typical weekend fashion. “I’m sorry to hear that. She seems like a really nice girl.”
“She is. She’s… I really like her. A lot.”
Finn fanned his face dramatically. “Is my widdle boy in love? Finally?”
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s all over your face when you look at her.”
“Not sure that means much coming from you, who loves to tell me I’ve got ugly all over my face.”
Finn laughed. “I do like to say that, but tonight, I noticed something different. Something I haven’t seen before.”
“It’s different with her.”
“It has been since the leaky roof.”
“Yeah.” Why try to deny it when it was the truth?
“So what happened tonight?”
Riley thought about what he should say. He wanted Finn’s advice, but not at the expense of Nikki’s privacy. “Things got a little… intense.”
“How so?”
“We were, you know, fooling around a little, and she kind of panicked.”
“Panicked how?”
“She couldn’t breathe.”
“Damn,” Finn said, exhaling his way through the single word.
“I swear to God, Finn, everything that happened between us, she was into as much as I was. It was all good until it wasn’t.”