Chapter 23
Luke Harris held his sleepy daughter, Lily, while his wife, Sydney, said goodbye to their friends.
He wondered if anyone else noticed how fragile Syd seemed lately, since the accident at the marina at the beginning of the summer.
She’d inadvertently driven her car over the bulkhead into the water with Lily strapped into her car seat.
Mason and Blaine had gotten them out, but not before they’d all been severely traumatized by the rising water inside the car.
When he thought about what might’ve happened if it’d taken Blaine and Mason a few more minutes to get there, or if they hadn’t been able to rescue them in time…
He’d had his own nightmares about those scenarios and could only wonder if she had, too. If so, she wasn’t talking to him about it. He kept hoping she’d bounce back, but she hadn’t. Not really. She’d done a great job of pretending to be fine, but he knew her too well for her to get away with it.
She’d had a nice time at Charlie and Sarah’s party, had enjoyed a few glasses of wine with their closest friends and was as relaxed as he’d seen her since the incident.
After they got home and put Lily to bed, he was going to see if he could get her to talk it out with him. He hoped he wasn’t making a huge mistake by forcing the issue, but he couldn’t bear to see her suffering in silence any longer.
As they drove home, he tried to think of how he might broach the subject with her.
He was nervous about it, which was further indication that things were off between them.
Talking to her was the easiest thing he’d ever done—and for someone who’d been quiet with other people his whole life that was saying something.
He was never nervous or uncertain around her.
The fact that he was both those things now meant this conversation was long overdue.
The accident had happened almost three months ago, but nothing had been the same since then.
He’d noticed that Syd went out of her way to avoid driving herself and Lily anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary.
That couldn’t continue. She had a booming business as the island’s only interior decorator, and with her biggest job yet—the redecorating of the McCarthys’ hotel coming this winter—she couldn’t be afraid to drive with their daughter in the car.
When they got home, he let their dog, Buddy, out while she gave Lily a bath.
Then they snuggled in their bed to read her a couple of stories.
At the end of a busy day, Lily was tired and fell asleep during the second story.
“Want me to put her in the crib?” Luke asked.
“Sure.”
Luke carefully lifted the sleeping child and carried her into the next room to put her down for the night.
Sometimes when he looked at her, he still couldn’t believe she was real.
He ran his fingers through silky hair that was the same copper color as her mother’s and gave thanks, as he had every day since that awful ten minutes at the marina, that Blaine and Mason had gotten to them in time.
They’d immediately installed a new curbstone in the spot where it had occurred, but Luke couldn’t bear to look at the area, even after all this time.
He woke in a cold sweat at least once a week after having dreamed about the two of them being trapped in a sinking car and him unable to do a goddamned thing to save them.
He forced himself to breathe through the now-predictable wave of nausea that hit him every time he relived those endless moments of watching the car fill with water while his wife and daughter were trapped inside.
Syd blamed herself. She’d been on the phone when her foot slipped off the brake onto the accelerator.
No matter how many times she was reminded that it’d been an accident, she couldn’t get past the fact that she’d caused it.
And that was at the crux of their problem.
She had to forgive herself before she could move on.
He returned to their room, where she was sitting up in bed, her ever-present iPad propped on her knees as she took care of some work.
Luke unbuttoned his shirt and stripped down to boxers before using the bathroom and then sliding into bed next to her. “Hey,” he said.
She smiled at him. “Hey, yourself.”
“Can we talk?”
“Uh-huh.” She continued to tap away on the iPad.
“Syd.”
She glanced his way.
“I want to talk to you.”
She put the iPad on her bedside table. “Is something wrong?”
“Yeah, baby. Something is wrong.”
Her expression conveyed confusion and alarm. “What?”
He gave himself a second to choose his words carefully, knowing how important it was to get this right. “I’m worried about you.”
“About me? Why?”
“You haven’t been yourself this summer.”
“What does that mean? Who have I been?”
“Syd. You know what I’m talking about. Since the accident…”
She held up her hand to stop him. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Sweetheart, we need to talk about it.”
She covered her ears and put her head down on her knees. “I can’t.”
Luke sat up, put his arms around her and brought her into his embrace. “We have to. Nothing has been right since that day, and I can tell you’re suffering. I can’t bear that for you. Or me, or Lily. We need to talk about it and figure out what we have to do to get past it.”
“I’ll never get past it. Ever.”
“You will, but first you have to deal with it.”
“How do I do that when every time I close my eyes, I see the water rushing in and Lily trapped in her seat and no way out all because I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing while my child was in the car? How do you suppose I deal with that?”
“By talking about it. By confronting what happened and why it happened and forgiving yourself the way everyone else has.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for nearly killing my child. In a car. After what’s already happened to me in a car, you’d think I’d know better.”
“Sydney, baby, there is no relation to what happened to your family and this accident. Someone got drunk and decided to drive, and that’s what killed your family. You made an honest mistake—”
“That nearly killed Lily!” She pulled free of him. “I’ll never forgive myself for that, Luke. Not ever.”
“You have to.”
“I can’t.”
“Would you consider seeing Kevin about this?”
She shrugged. “Not sure what good a psychiatrist would do. He can’t erase the horrible memories.”
“Maybe he could help you figure out a way to live with what happened so you can go forward without being afraid of something like that happening again.”
“That’s the thing. The next disaster is always right around the corner, waiting to snatch away everything I care about.”
“No, honey. No, it isn’t. You can’t live your life being afraid like that. It’ll ruin everything.”
“I don’t know how to be anything other than afraid. The accident reminded me not to get too comfortable in my happy new life.”
“We need to fix that for you so you can find some peace. Maybe we should go see Kevin together.”
“Why do you say that?”
“It wasn’t easy being outside of that car, helpless to do anything to save my family.”
“Oh God, Luke,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’ve made this all about me. I’m so sorry.”
“It was an accident, Syd. An accident. It wasn’t your fault. It just happened. And now we need to find a way to live with it without being tormented this way. Can we please make an appointment with Kevin?”
She thought about that for a long moment before she gave a reluctant nod.
Filled with relief, Luke hugged her and kissed the top of her head. “We’re going to get through this, sweetheart. I promise.”
“I hope so.”
It was only the first step of what would probably be a long journey, but he was thankful she was willing to take it and determined to do whatever it took to help her feel better.