Chapter 42
It’d taken nearly a week to schedule an appointment with Kevin McCarthy, but now that the appointed time was upon them, Sydney was unreasonably nervous. Seeing a therapist reminded her too much of the unbearable months that’d followed the deaths of her first husband and their two children.
That it’d nearly happened again was too much for her to handle, and no amount of therapy was going to change that.
“Luke filled me in on why you’re here,” Kevin said.
His warmth and calming demeanor helped to set the tone, but the agitation inside her was hard to ignore.
“How about we start by you telling me about the accident from your point of view and how you’ve been feeling about it in the months since.”
The last thing in the world Sydney wanted to do was revisit the terrifying minutes in which she’d been convinced that she and Lily were going to die.
Only the eager, expectant, hopeful look on Luke’s face could get her to bare her soul this way.
She ran through the events of that awful day, from leaving home with Lily and stopping to see a client on the way to lunch with Luke at the marina.
“One minute we were sitting in the parking lot, and the next we were in the water. I banged my head on the steering wheel, so it took me a minute to snap out of it to realize we were in big trouble. And then Luke and Big Mac were there. They couldn’t get the doors open, and the windows wouldn’t work.
” She paused before forcing herself to continue, to give voice to the unspeakable.
“The one thing I remember most vividly, other than the panic and disbelief, was thinking that at least this time I’d get to go with her. ”
Luke gasped.
“I’m so sorry.” Syd took his hand as she looked at him. “I hate that I thought that and not about what it would do to you to lose us, but it was such a relief to know I wouldn’t have to live through the nightmare again.”
“That’s a very heavy thing to have to carry around with you, Syd,” Kevin said.
“All of it is. That it even happened in the first place…” She shook her head. “That’s the part I just can’t get past. My daughter almost died because of me.”
“I’ve tried and tried to help her see that it wasn’t her fault,” Luke said.
“What if we put a different spin on it?” Kevin asked. “What if we allowed Syd to take the full blame for what happened—”
Luke’s eyes flashed with anger. “Wait a minute.”
“Hear me out.” Kevin held up a hand to stop his friend.
“Syd, you’re already blaming yourself. You believe it was completely your fault, so what if we all agree that, yes, it was?
You left the car in Drive, your foot slipped off the brake and hit the gas, and you’re the one who put that car in the water.
Does it make you feel any better to have other people agree with what you already believe? ”
“It does,” Syd said, surprised to realize that was true. “I feel like I need to be held responsible.”
“Okay, then we’ll hold you responsible, but only if you agree to consider the possibility that you made an honest mistake.
Anyone who’s ever driven a car understands the potential for costly mistakes.
A foot slips off a brake, and a car accidentally rolls through an intersection.
Those are honest mistakes, as opposed to a driver who thinks they can easily make it through a caution light before it turns red, or that it’s no big deal to exceed the speed limit. Do you see the difference?”
“I do, and logically, I know I’d never do anything that might put Lily in harm.”
“Isn’t that the most important thing?” Kevin asked. “That you’d never do anything that might harm her? If you’re able to take responsibility for causing the accident, then you have to also accept that it wasn’t intentional.”
“Wow, he’s good,” Syd said to Luke.
He grunted out a laugh. “He sure is.”
Kevin smiled as he leaned forward. “You can do both things at the same time—blame yourself for the accident while acknowledging that you’d never do anything to harm your precious daughter. You’re a wonderful mother, Sydney. Anyone who knows you can see that.”
“She’s everything to me,” Syd said softly. “My beautiful second chance.”
Luke gave her hand a squeeze.
“You know better than anyone how things can happen, things we never see coming,” Kevin said.
“I hate those things.”
Kevin chuckled. “If you hate the bad things, then you have to also hate the good things. We’ve all lived long enough by now to know this life gives us plenty of each, and there’s often much more good than bad.”
Sydney thought about that for a minute. “I suppose you’re right.”
“I propose we continue to meet and talk it out until you start to feel better about what happened,” Kevin said. “However long it takes, I’m here.”
“Thank you, Kevin. I’ll admit that I was reluctant to come, but I can see how it might help to air it out.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Kevin saw them out half an hour later, pleased by the progress they’d made in their first meeting.
He’d sent them home with instructions to continue talking about what happened that day, how it had affected them both and how they felt about it.
In his years of practice, he’d found that giving voice to those feelings could help people to deal with them.
After he recorded his notes on their session and a few things he wanted to cover with them in the next one, he left the office to head home to his girls, eager to see them after an afternoon at the office.
When he got home, Chelsea was sitting on the sofa, breastfeeding baby Summer. Chelsea lit up when he came in, giving him a feeling he’d never felt before he’d had her. He kissed her and then Summer, whose eyes popped open and then danced with pleasure at the sight of her daddy.
“What’s going on around here?”
“The usual after a good nap for both of us.” Chelsea had talked about wanting to go back to work at the Beachcomber, but he’d encouraged her to take more time with the baby. She was so used to having to take care of herself that it had been an adjustment for her to let him take care of her.
They’d decided she’d go back a couple of nights a week next summer.
In the meantime, they were enjoying every minute with the baby girl who brought them such joy.
“How was work?”
“Good,” he said, “but nothing is better than this.”
Summer had wrapped her little hand around his finger, squeezing tightly, the way she always did.
“How would you feel about one more?”
Kevin stared at her. “Ah…”
Chelsea laughed right in his face. She did that a lot. “Not right this minute, but maybe in a year or so.”
“I’m getting old.”
“You are not. Age is just a number.”
“I’m going to be fifty-four, Chels.”
“I know that, but when I see Riley and Finn together, I want Summer to have that, too. A sibling close in age that she can grow up with and be best friends with the way they are.”
“You do know how to keep me on my toes, Mrs. McCarthy.”
“I can’t let you get too comfortable,” she said, smiling.
“Before we had Summer, I secretly thought I was insane for starting over with another family when my boys are almost thirty.”
“It wasn’t so secret. We all knew you were in a panic over it.”
Smiling, he said, “Since she arrived, it’s like none of that even matters. She’s so perfect and so beautiful, and I’m completely in love with her. So, if you wanted to have another one, I’m fine with that. As long as we do it soon.”
“We’ll do it soon.”
“I’m available to provide stud services on a moment’s notice.”
She lost it laughing. “Duly noted, stud.”
“It’s a good thing I love you so much,” he said, kissing her.
“It’s a very good thing.”