Chapter 20
What the hell is this? Jace wondered as he walked toward Seamus’s office at the ferry landing. Everything had been going so well between him and the O’Gradys. Was Seamus going to tell him he couldn’t see the boys anymore? The thought of that sent a shaft of panic through him. What would he do then?
God, he hoped that wasn’t it. The last freaking thing in the world he wanted was some sort of legal battle to see his kids. Because that’s what he’d do if Seamus tried to cut him off from them. He’d fight for them—and for himself.
Please don’t let it be that.
By the time Jace reached the offices of the Gansett Island Ferry Company, he was thoroughly worked up, especially when he noticed Carolina’s car parked next to the company truck Seamus drove.
Jace stepped into the building and went to Seamus’s office, knocking on the closed door.
“Come in,” Seamus called.
When he walked through the door, Jace noted that Seamus and Carolina were seated together on the small sofa, and he couldn’t miss that they seemed troubled.
“Thanks for coming,” Seamus said.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Have a seat.”
Jace sat even though he didn’t want to.
“Yesterday, we were in the barn going through some of the things that came from Lisa’s,” Carolina said somewhat haltingly. “The boys were playing in the yard with the dog. You know how they are—they’re so loud, we can always hear them.”
“Right,” Jace said, feeling more tense by the second.
“We were going through some of Lisa’s photos when Jackson surprised us. We didn’t hear him coming, and he saw… Well, he saw photos of you with Lisa, and now he’s full of questions about who you are and how his mom knew you.”
“Oh,” Jace said on a long exhale. “What’d you tell him?”
“That his mom knew you, too, but he didn’t seem to buy that.”
“What did he say?”
“Just that his mom never mentioned you.”
Carolina took hold of Seamus’s hand. “We need to tell them the truth about who you are.”
“It was one thing to pass you off as my friend when they had no clue,” Seamus said, “but when he asks us directly who you are, we don’t feel right about lying to him.”
“We think he might suspect,” Carolina added, “which is why the truth becomes important.”
Jace tried to keep up with what they were saying as he processed his own emotional reaction to the news.
“We didn’t want to say or do anything until we spoke to you,” Seamus said.
“I… um… I appreciate that.”
“What do you think we ought to do?” Carolina asked.
“I agree that we need to tell them the truth,” Jace said, screaming on the inside at the possibility the boys would want nothing more to do with him after they knew how his mistakes had led to their mother being a struggling single parent.
“How much of the truth?” Seamus asked.
“All of it,” Jace said. “Go big or go home, right?”
“You’re sure about that, mate?”
“No, I’m not sure of anything except I love them and want the best of everything for them.”
“You need to start with that,” Carolina said.
“Wait, so you want me to tell them?” Jace asked.
“We thought you might want to be the one to fill in the gaps for them,” Seamus said. “Are we wrong about that?”
“No, you’re not, it’s just… God, what do I say to them?”
“You tell them the truth, Jace,” Carolina said gently. “What will matter to them is that you love them and want to be in their lives but have no plans to upset their arrangement with us. At least I hope that’s how you feel.”
“It is. I’d never do that to them—or you.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to contemplate coming clean with his young sons. “I just wonder if they’ll hate me after they hear my story.”
“They won’t hate you,” Seamus said.
“You’re sure about that? They’re old enough to remember that their mother had to struggle and work multiple jobs to keep a roof over their heads because I was nowhere to be found. They know that when she was sick and dying, I wasn’t here.”
“I understand your concerns, Jace,” Carolina said, “but one thing I know about the boys is they don’t hate anyone or anything.
They don’t have that in them. They’re all love and sunshine and happiness.
Do they have their sad moments when they think of Lisa?
Yes, they do, and they probably always will.
But they won’t hate you. They may have hard questions, and they may be upset by what you tell them, but I’d bet my life they won’t hate you for mistakes you made years ago that you’re sorry about now. ”
Carolina’s assurances helped to calm the storm brewing in him when he thought about the reality of telling his sons the truth about where he’d been the past six years. “When do you want to do this?”
“Today,” Seamus said. “As soon as possible.”
“Oh damn. That soon, huh?”
“It’s important to us that they trust us to be straight with them,” Carolina said. “Jackson knows there’s more to the story, and we don’t want to let it fester.”
It was the right thing to do. Jace knew that. But when he tried to picture himself telling the boys his story, he wanted to run and hide. At stressful times like these, addicts needed to be extra careful and protective of their sobriety, and he was no different that way.
“Where are they now?”
“At Ethan’s. They slept over there last night, but Hope says they were out of sorts.”
“Do you think we might pick them up and talk to them soon?” Jace asked. “I have to work at three today, so I want to be sure we have enough time.”
Seamus glanced at Carolina, who nodded.
“Let’s go get them now,” she said. “We’ll meet you at the house in thirty minutes?”
“I’ll be there.” Even if it would be among the most painful things he ever did, he would tell his sons the truth and then hope they still wanted him in their lives.
He felt like he was going to be sick as he left the office and stepped outside into a glorious September day, for all he cared about the weather.
Throughout years of recovery, he’d learned to reach out for help when he needed it. As much as he wanted to talk to Cindy about this latest development, he needed someone who understood the sobriety issues that came with a situation like this. He texted Mallory. Do you have a minute?
She responded right away. I’ll call you in five.
Thanks.
He walked to a bench that overlooked the ferry landing, which was all but deserted nearly a week after Labor Day.
True to her word, Mallory called five minutes later. “What’s up?”
“Potential crisis.”
“Oh damn. What’s going on?”
He filled her in on what’d happened with Seamus, Carolina and Jackson, as well as their plans to talk to the boys. “I’m trying not to freak out over this.”
“And how’s that going?”
“Not so great.”
“You’re not feeling any urge to use, are you?”
“I wouldn’t even know where to get it here.”
“It’s never hard to find if you’re looking, but you’re not looking, and that’s what matters. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out for support.”
“I’m afraid they’re going to hate me for the many ways I failed them and their mother. Carolina says they don’t have it in them to hate anyone, but there’s a first time for everything.”
“They won’t hate you, Jace. If you tell them the story the same way you told us, they may have questions, but they won’t hate you.”
“I’ve just gotten them back in my life. If I lose that connection now…”
“You won’t. If you tell them how you never stopped loving them or their mom and that you’re sorry for everything that happened, that’ll mean a lot to them.”
Jace had tears in his eyes as he listened to her. “Yeah, that’s true.”
“Just keep it simple with them. They’re still quite young, so the deeper meaning might be lost on them.”
“That’s true. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I was spinning a bit when I found out this was going to happen today. I thought I had years before I’d have to deal with this.”
“In a way, it might be a blessing in disguise. If they found out when they were older and wiser, they might react differently—and not in your favor. This way, they learn the truth when they’re young enough to still be forgiving.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right.”
“I usually am,” she said with a laugh. “Just ask Quinn.”
Jace laughed as he wiped tears from his eyes.
“Are you going to be all right?”
“I hope so.”
“Will you call or text me later if you need to?”
“I will.”
“I know you’re programmed to believe otherwise, but you’re a good man, Jace. Your sons will see the work you’ve done to turn your life around, and one day, they’ll respect you for it.”
“I hope so.”
“They will. I promise.”
“Thank you, Mallory. I appreciate this more than you’ll ever know.”
“I’m glad you reached out. I’m always here.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
“We’ll be there.”
After they said their goodbyes, Jace sat for a long time on the bench, staring out at the endless ocean and trying to find the words he would need to tell his sons the truth. He thought of Cindy and sent her a quick text. Something came up. Might not make it home before work. Will see you later.
He needed to fill her in on what was happening, but he’d rather tell her in person. As he got up to catch a cab to Seamus and Carolina’s, he could only hope that the next time he saw her, he wouldn’t be completely shattered.
Cindy received Jace’s text as she walked to the Sand & Surf Hotel to see Laura and Owen.
She hoped whatever had come up wasn’t bad news for Jace, right when things seemed to be moving in an interesting direction for them.
She hated the niggling feeling of distrust that came rushing to the surface after she received that text.
Something had come up.
Could he be any vaguer? Was it about his sons, or was it something else? Or someone else?