Book 28 Delivery After Dark #6
“We were just talking about that,” Sarah says with a glance at Charlie. “I told him he’s coming to dinner tonight whether he wants to or not, and we’ll try to talk to him.”
“Good,” Jeff says. “He’s been weird since we were together in Providence before you guys got back from Italy, and he won’t tell me what’s wrong.”
“He won’t tell anyone,” Sarah says. “We’re hoping to get to the bottom of it tonight.”
“That’d be good,” Jeff says, “because something’s definitely not right.”
Johnny drives home from the Wayfarer, upset by the command performance demand his mother has levied on him.
He’s known he was gay from the time he was about seven years old, and his monster of a father had tuned in to it around that same time, which had made his life a living hell as he set out to prove his father wrong about his suspicions.
“No son of mine is gonna live like that,” he’d say, along with other derogatory words that had scarred John’s soul so deeply that he can’t function in a healthy relationship without that son of a bitch’s voice in his head ruining everything.
He should’ve known better than to get involved with Niall, who’d been unique from the start in the way he worked his way into John’s heart and mind one casual conversation at a time. Nothing has ever been easier than it is with him, which is how it’s supposed to be. At least that’s what he’s heard.
It had been so easy that his heart was all in before his head caught up to remind him of how damaged he was by childhood trauma, by years of not being free to live his truth, by always looking over his shoulder, expecting his father to jump out of the bushes and say, “Aha! I always knew you were a fucking deviant.”
As John pulls into the driveway at the palatial home his mother shares with the amazing Charlie Grandchamp, he realizes his face is wet from tears he hadn’t realized were there.
He shouldn’t be surprised by them. Any time he thinks about the shit from the past, his emotions overflow, making him feel almost as helpless as he had then.
Charlie knocks on his window.
John wipes his face and puts down the window to talk to his stepfather.
“Are you okay?” Charlie asks.
“I guess.”
“Your mother is waiting for you.”
“I know.”
“Whatever it is, son, we’ll work it out, but you’ll never fix what’s wrong by running from it. Trust me on that.”
To his intense mortification, John breaks down into sobs that come from the deepest part of him.
Charlie opens the door, reaches in to release John’s seat belt and helps him out of the car and into his waiting arms. “Let it all out. It’s not healthy to keep these things bottled up.”
He senses his mother approaching, but Charlie must’ve signaled her to give them a minute.
John tries to pull back. “I’m sorry.”
“Nah, we’re not doing that, Johnny. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”
“You don’t need me crying all over you.”
Charlie releases him but stays close as John wipes the tears from his face. “You know what I need? A wife who isn’t sick with worry over what’s going on with her precious son, because we can all see that it’s something, and we want to help.”
John shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.”
“Nothing ever is, but keeping it all to yourself won’t fix it. That much I can promise you. Every problem I ever had got easier to handle as soon as I shared it with someone who cares.”
“Okay,” John says as he allows Charlie to usher him into the house, where his mother hovers anxiously.
“Let’s give him a minute,” Charlie says to Sarah, who nods and puts a beer on the table in front of the seat at the table that Charlie has guided him to. “That meatloaf sure smells good, honey.”
John’s stomach growls, and they laugh.
Sarah gives John a kiss on the top of his head, the way she used to when he was little. “You always were a sucker for my meatloaf.” The sweet gesture soothes the ache John carries with him everywhere he goes.
Kelsey and Jeff, on crutches, come in to join them for dinner, and Charlie jumps up to help Jeff into a chair that has a pillow on it.
When Jeff is settled, Charlie returns to his seat at the head of the table. “Thanks for dinner, honey. It’s delicious.”
“Oh, you’re welcome,” Sarah says, with a note of surprise in her voice. “I’m glad you like it.”
His father had never once thanked her for a meal she’d prepared, because he’d seen that as her duty to him and their family.
Charlie sees it as a gift she gives them all.
Kelsey whispers something to Jeff.
“No, thanks, babe. I’ve got it.”
Right here before him are two examples of true love at work among people who’d suffered through the same trauma he had.
Sure, it had different edges for each of them, but the end result had been the same.
His mom is happily settled into a whole new life with Charlie, Jeff has Kelsey, Julia has Deacon, Owen has Laura, Katie has Shane, Cindy has Jace…
Their brother Josh, the only one who doesn’t live on Gansett, has started dating someone special recently, too.
They hadn’t let the past determine their futures.
Why couldn’t he have someone for himself, too?
John puts down his fork and wipes his mouth with a napkin.
He feels the eyes of the other four on him, looking on with concern and bewilderment that makes him feel bad for causing them to worry.
His family had been through hell together and were on the other side of it with the man who’d tormented them now in prison.
While his siblings have done an admirable job of getting on with their lives, he’s stuck in this strange limbo that’s making him as miserable as he’s ever been.
“Are you okay, honey?” his mother asks in the tense tone that reminds him of a time he’d much rather forget.
“No, Mom, I’m not okay.”
Everything stops as his family members wait for him to say more.
“Before Jeff got hurt, I was sort of seeing Niall.”
“Yes, we know,” Sarah says. “He seems like such a nice young man.”
“He is.”
“I love his Irish accent,” Kelsey says with a smile.
“I do, too.”
“Did something happen to upset you?” Jeff asks.
“Sort of, but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine.”
“How so?” Charlie asks.
John fixates on a framed picture of the seven Lawry siblings that his mother has hung on the dining room wall. “Well… It’s just that we, you know, were together, and all I could hear in the back of my mind was that voice, telling me all the reasons it was wrong and disgusting and—”
“What?” Sarah asks, shocked. “He didn’t know…”
“Yes, he did, Mom, and he tormented me with what he knew every chance he got, and he still is.”
“No!” Sarah’s forceful tone takes the others by surprise. “You will not let him have anything to do with this.”
“‘Let him,’” John says with a laugh. “If only I could turn it off, but I’ve yet to figure out how.”
“I feel you,” Jeff says. “I turned to drugs to make it stop, but I’m certainly not suggesting you do that.”
John huffs out a laugh. “I’ve been tempted. Niall… He’s such a great guy. He’s been nothing but supportive, and I’ve treated him like shit. I’m sure he’s probably moved on by now.” That thought is profoundly depressing.
“I don’t think he has,” Charlie says. “I saw him in town the other day. He asked about you.”
John perks up when he hears that. “He did?”
“Yep. Said he was worried about you. I told him we were, too, and that we were hoping we might get you to talk about it at some point.”
“Thus, the meatloaf,” Sarah says.
The love and support from his family make all the difference, even if they’d ambushed him.
“I don’t know what to do,” John says. “I want to be with Niall, but I can’t bear the thoughts that run through my head when we’re together. It brings it all back…”
“We’ll call Kevin McCarthy in the morning,” Charlie says. “We’ll get you in with him to talk it out, and in the meantime, you should tell Niall what you’ve told us. I think it’ll make a big difference to him.”
“You think so?”
“I know so,” Charlie says. “That man cares about you. If you ask me, he looked heartbroken not to be in touch with you.”
“I hate that I did that to him.”
“It’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” Jeff says. “You just have to be honest with him.”
John can’t believe how much better he feels after talking to them. “Thanks, you guys, for, you know… everything. A lot of people don’t get this kind of support from their families when they come out. It means the world.”
“We love you, Johnny,” Sarah says tearfully. “We want you to be happy, and being with Niall obviously made you happy.”
Niall has begun to question what he’s doing. He misses writing new music and watching movies and reading a book once in a while. If only his mind could make space for something other than heartbreak.
How long will this go on? he wonders as someone new to heartbreak. Would it ease up in time, or is this it for the rest of his life? If so, how does he unsubscribe?
His phone chimes with a text, which gives him something else to think about for the ten seconds it will take to read it. When he sees Johnny’s name on the screen, he sits up so quickly he nearly spills his drink.
Niall… I’m sorry. I’ve been dealing with some stuff that has nothing at all to do with you, and I’m very sorry for going silent on you.
It wasn’t fair, and I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me and never want to hear from me again.
If that’s the case, feel free to say so, and I’ll leave you alone.
I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. McCarthy to talk about some things that have kept me from fully embracing the life I want.
With you. I have no right to ask for time to get my shit together and to figure myself out so I can be fully available to you, but I’m asking anyway…