Chapter 17 Gatling
Chapter seventeen
Gatling
Snowflakes filtered through the network of branches overhead, delicate and sparkling like sugar crystals. I sat on the cold, damp earth, with my back pressed against the rough bark of a tree. Blowing out a puff of air, my breath frosted into a cloud before it dissipated.
Reaching out, I patted along the ground until I found the bottle of whiskey next to me and wrapped my fingers around the chilled glass. Dark brown liquid sloshed around in the bottle, but there wasn’t much left. Nearly empty actually.
I drained the last drop, tossed the bottle aside. It clanked against the pile of other bottles clustered near a fallen, decomposing log. My head swirled from all the alcohol pickling my brain.
Darkness stretched long, spindly shadows through the forest. Temperatures were dropping by the minute. My bare fingers were red and painfully numb.
When Kelsie was in the hospital, I stopped by to see her after hours. The hallways were quiet, her room was dark. She slept peacefully, lashes softly fanning her cheek, and her breathing slow, steady.
Noah dozed in the chair at her bedside. So I didn’t stay.
But I got to see her. That was good enough.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I whispered into the growing darkness.
I came out here because I didn’t know where else to go. The clubhouse—too loud. My cabin—too empty.
The forest…the forest was the only place I’d ever felt close to calling home.
The inflammation from the pepper spray had subsided. I could breathe without any struggle now and my vision had been fully restored. The gash across my stomach would take longer to heal, and every shift of movement reminded me just how close Olson came to gutting me like a fish.
I left my phone and my cut in the cabin. The only thing I brought with me was my coat and a box full of whiskey that I’d stashed in the kitchen, above the stove.
I’m pregnant.
That text remained unanswered, heralding a future that scared the shit out of me.
Kelsie was a dreamer, an optimist. I know what she would say—that I’m a good man, that she wants me to be her husband and the father of her baby.
But that’s not me.
I looked down at my hands, marked with calluses and scars.
These hands only knew how to kill. They knew nothing of love.
“Thought I might find you out here.”
My head snapped up. Noah hiked through the trees, shoulders hunched up around his ears, hands buried in the pockets of his tan Carhartt.
“Kelsie has been blowing up your phone. She’s worried sick.”
“I don’t have my phone on me,” I rasped. Fuck, it felt weird to speak to another human. I’d been out here for two days with no one to talk to but the woods.
Noah and I said nothing for several long seconds, just staring at each other. He leaned back against a tree across from me, blowing on his hands to warm them.
“Aren’t you cold?” he asked. “I’m freezing my ass off and I’ve only been walking for five or ten minutes."
I shrugged.
“Can’t feel much of anything now.”
Noah’s gaze flicked to the pile of empty whiskey bottles.
“You always were a depressed, miserable drunk.”
“What heartwarming words of comfort.”
“Trust me,” he replied. “It’s taking every ounce of willpower to stop myself from kicking your ass after you got my sister knocked up.”
I dragged my gaze up slowly to meet his.
“What’s holding you back?”
Noah huffed and glanced away, nudging at a clod of dirt with the toe of his boot.
“Kelsie. She’s been through enough. She doesn’t need us to be fighting.”
A pause stretched between us. I scrubbed at a scratch on my palm.
“Is she…okay?”
“Yeah. Doctor gave her the green light to go home. She still needs to rest for a few days, but all things considered, she’s doing well.”
Another question weighed on the tip of my tongue.
“And the baby?”
Noah slid his gaze back to meet mine. His eyes said he was not pleased with this topic of conversation, but there was a glimmer of understanding at the same time.
“She’s fine, too.”
“She?” I echoed, with an uptick of hope in my voice.
Noah put out his hand in a staying motion.
“According to the doctor, it’s too early to tell. But Kelsie…she said it’s a gut feeling.”
I let that sink in for a moment. A little baby girl. Would she look like a miniature version of Kelsie? With blushing pink cheeks and sparkly blue eyes when she laughed?
Or would she look like me? With a scowl permanently etched into her face?
“I always thought you would be the one to have kids,” I said. “Not me.”
“Yeah, well, I figured out a long time ago that life doesn’t go the way we planned.”
Noah shuffled his feet, brushing flecks of snow off his coat.
“You have to convince her to find someone else, Noah,” I said, my voice giving out at the end. “Someone who is not me. I’ll leave the club. I’ll disappear so she never has to see me again, and I’ll pay whatever she wants in child support.”
He frowned and shook his head.
“Kelsie has made up her mind. I’ve dictated too much of her life already. This is her decision. She wants you.”
“Come on,” I said, exasperated. “Look at me. I can’t be a dad to a little girl.
I can’t be a husband.” I yanked my pistol from the waistband of my jeans.
“This—this is all I know. Guns. Knives. Weapons. Warfare. Destruction. Hunting. Killing. Taking the shot and hitting my target, right between the eyes. That’s the only thing I’m good at. ”
“Not true,” Noah said, surprisingly quiet.
I growled with frustration. Why was he defending me? He should hate me for what I did. He should cuss me out until he was blue in the face. Hell, he should take a swing at me.
“I can’t be the man that Kelsie needs or deserves.”
“I know,” Noah said simply.
That took the wind out of my sails. I deflated, sagging against the tree.
“Do you really think I would let you do this alone?” he added.
“I’'ll be breathing down your neck. I'll be the most obnoxious little shit, pointing out everything you’re doing wrong. Giving you hell when you screw up and make a mistake. And I’ll be taking Kelsie’s side in every argument by the way, so you’re automatically outnumbered in that department. ”
I blinked at him in surprise.
“You’re like a brother to me, Ryker,” Noah continued. “When I was raising Kelsie, you kept me sane. When I was sick with worry about her, I knew you were a phone call away if I needed help. You never let me down. Not once.”
I said nothing. He painted me like some saint. I didn’t deserve that kind of praise.
Noah ran a hand through his hair and pushed away from his tree, coming to stand in front of me.
“Am I pissed that you got my sister pregnant? Yes. Absolutely.”
“That’s fair,” I admitted.
“But she’s my sister and I want to see her happy. She’s looking forward to welcoming that baby into the world. And she…she loves you. I can see that.”
I pressed my lips together, swallowing around the lump in my throat.
“What if I fuck it up?” I asked, barely above a whisper. “What if I…ruin everything and break her heart? I…I poison everything I touch, Noah.”
He crouched before me, propping his forearms on his knees.
“You will fuck it up.”
I clenched my teeth and a hot brand burned in my belly. Noah didn’t shy away from telling the truth. Usually, I admired that about him. I couldn’t stand it when people passed off sugarcoated shit with saccharine-sweet platitudes as fragile as spun sugar.
“You will fuck it up,” Noah repeated. “And you will break Kelsie’s heart. Then you will apologize and you will try harder to do better next time. Because that is what it means to be a husband and a father. That is what you do for the people you care about.”
I groaned and rested my head in my hands. Regret churned in my stomach for drinking all that whiskey.
“Kelsie is waiting at the cabin,” Noah said.
“She’s here?” I replied, incredulous.
“Yep.”
I groaned again.
Noah reached into his pocket and retrieved a tin of mints, tossing it at me.
“Swallow a few of those. Your breath reeks. It might take the edge off.”
I took a handful of snow and pressed it against the back of my neck. It cleared the cobwebs from my mind a little, sharpened my senses after the edges had been dulled by alcohol.
Noah crossed his arms, standing by while I regained my composure. I swayed to my feet, bracing one hand against the tree for support.
“Can I ask…for a favor?”
He snorted.
“You’re not really in a position to do that. In fact, you should be groveling for my forgiveness after getting my sister pregnant. But we’ll hash out details on that later. So go ahead. Fire away. What do you want?”
I pressed the tip of my tongue to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t believe I was about to say these words.
“Would you help me…figure out the best way to propose to your sister? I have no idea what I’m doing. And she’s really into that romantic shit, so I want it to be good for her.”
Noah raised his eyebrows. I could have sworn he looked almost impressed.
“Yeah. I think we can work something out.”
Together, Noah and I trekked back to my cabin. Kelsie huddled on the porch steps, shivering in the cold. My cut was bundled in her arms, hugged to her chest. As we approached, she stood with bright hope in her eyes.
“Hey sunshine,” I said softly.
“Hi.” She reached out and hooked two fingers into my coat pocket, tugging me closer. “I found your cut in the cabin and I just got this…bad feeling. Like you were thinking about leaving."
She searched my face with a worried look. I took her hand and peeled off her glove, pressing my lips to her warm, smooth skin.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here for my girls.”
Kelsie beamed. She rose up on tiptoe, sliding her arms around my neck with a kiss.