Ember
Shane: So you really gon ignore me???
Shane: Fuck it then
Shane: Stop playin’ with me… Why the fuck you not picking up?
Shane: You must be fuckin that old sloppy ass nigga at yo job
1:20 PM
Shane: Fuck you Ember!
1:30 PM
Shane: I’m sorry baby. Answer yo phone!
Shane blew up my phone, making it hard for me to concentrate on my work.
The constant pinging in my pocket interrupted me as soon as I started sorting through the items that were dropped off.
This was an endless cycle with Shane, and I had reached my wit’s end.
All the fights, the apologies, and the make-up sex had me on the verge of losing my mind.
Thankfully, bitch ass Mr. Gross left work early for his doctor’s appointment. Cassie and I knew if he was here, he would have been on my ass for constantly checking my phone. One thing about that man, he always had some shit to say.
“Dang, Ember. Is that yo’ nigga blowing up your phone? It hasn’t stopped dinging since you clocked in.”
“Yeah, it’s him,” I admitted. “We got into an argument last night, and now he’s crashing out. You know, per usual.”
Cassie shook her head, avoiding eye contact while inspecting a black velvet dress that still had a tag on it.
“When are you going to dump that fool?” she inquired bluntly, still not looking my way.
Cassie felt that Shane didn’t deserve me, and she was right.
There was a time when I gave excuses after excuses about his ways, but now it was a different story.
In Cassie’s mind, it should have been easy for me to leave him because he had given me many reasons to walk away from his ass.
She didn’t understand that deep down, I wanted to, but I just couldn’t.
Maybe the trauma bonding kept me stuck. If anything, I blamed myself for not having the power to walk away and never look back.
When I didn’t answer Cassie’s question, her attention shifted from the dress to me. “I’m sorry, Ember. I’m not trying to overstep boundaries or come for you, nor am I judging.” She placed the dress on the counter away from a large pile of clothes she’d been organizing.
“I want better for you. You know that.” She moved closer to me, then gently squeezed my shoulder.
“I hate seeing good women get done wrong. And I…” She paused before speaking again.
“I guess I’m trying to understand why a woman as amazing as you decided to settle.
It’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now. ”
I sighed because I’d been trying to figure out the same thing.
Sadness filled me to the core. “I want to leave him. I do. But I don’t know how. I can’t decipher if it’s the fear of being alone, the comfortability I’m accustomed to, or the familiarity of the relationship. Orrr...” I exaggerated. “Maybe I’m weak, Cassie.”
She took a minute to respond, like she was choosing her words carefully.
“I think when it’s the right time, you will leave.
It will be something you feel in your soul, and that unsettling feeling won’t go away until he no longer has access to you.
No one, not even me, can tell you when to walk away.
I’ve learned that a woman has to want to leave.
The more people try to force you to leave, the more you’ll cling to a damaged relationship. ”
Cassie looked me directly in my eyes, allowing me to process her words.
Then, she continued. “When a woman reaches that point, fears, doubts, and hesitation will be a thing of the past. She’ll know when she’s had enough, and there will be no turning back.
Best believe when a woman is done, there is nothing a nigga can do to change her mind.
When that time comes, it means she has taken all her power back. ”
Will a day ever come when I’ll walk away from Shane for good?
No back and forth.
No questions.
No tears.
No excuses.
No guilt.
No regrets.
The only thing on my mind would be running as far away as I can from his trifling ass.
I stood there, quiet as a mouse, thinking hard about what Cassie said. Many thoughts in my brain, but none formed into spoken words.
She pulled me toward her and gave me one of the most comforting hugs I have ever received in my life. I pulled away from her but held onto her arms. “Girl, I appreciate you.”
“No problem. You know I got you.”
My heart was heavy, and my soul begged for a release. I needed to lighten the tension before I started crying.
“If only I was rich or could get a large lump sum of money from somewhere. I’d pack up my things, and my daughter and I would get the hell on. I would go to some faraway place where that nigga would never be able to find me.”
Cassie leaned against a large, scratched-up, black bin, looking as if she was deep in thought.
“Oh shoot, Ember! How could I forget?” She jogged over to her locker and pulled out her purse.
I lifted my brows in confusion.
“Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” Cassie kept talking as she retrieved her phone. “I have the perfect solution for your money problems.”
Now she had my full attention.
“Ember, hear me out. So, last night after my husband and I got done doing the do, we lay in bed eating snacks when a random commercial appeared on the screen.”
Cassie was taking forever to get to the point, but I let her continue.
“Let me cut straight to the chase,” she said as if she’d heard my thoughts. “You know, sometimes I be going on and on.”
I smiled because she was right. That’s what made me like her. She was being her authentic self.
“It was an advertisement for surrogacy.”
Surrogacy?
“Huh?” I asked, like I didn’t hear her clearly.
“I said it was a commercial about becoming a surrogate,” she clarified in a different way. Maybe she thought rephrasing would help me better understand.
She continued. “I saved the number in my phone because I thought about contacting them, but when I told Albert, he said hell to the no. Can you believe he didn’t even take time to think about it?
Just gave my ass a flat out ‘no.’” She laughed, but the spaced out look in her eyes was visible.
Cassie probably had a flashback of her husband’s reaction when she mentioned surrogacy to him.
I remained silent, and she seized the moment to keep talking.
“If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve gladly been on someone’s table, letting the doctor plant some random stranger’s seed in my womb. That sounds crazy, but what ain’t crazy is getting a fat ass check when it’s all done.”
“Cassie, crazy is the right word. I don’t blame your husband for saying ‘no,’” I said, finally speaking up.
“Y’all just don’t see the bigger picture. Everyone can use some extra money. Anyway, it won’t hurt to consider it. Imagine making a lump sum of money that can put you and Rhema in a different position.”
I stood there contemplating what she said, but it wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t convinced.
“I’ll give you the number. Ember, you never know. Keep an open mind. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to get ahead in life.”
“Cassie, I don’t know any Black folks becoming no surrogate.”
“Trust me, I’m sure there’s plenty. We just don’t hear about ’em.”
“Hmm… I don’t know. You had me expecting to hear something good… something realistic, you know.”
“Realistic? How much more realistic can becoming a surrogate be?”
I stared at a box filled to the rim with vintage picture frames before looking back at Cassie. “I just think you’re insane for taking that commercial serious. That type of thing isn’t meant for people like us.”
“People like who? It’s for anyone with a healthy womb and anyone who’s willing to help a family. Yeah, it sounds bizarre, but hey, so what? Ember, just take the info.”
Cassie held her phone in one hand and scribbled something on a notepad she found on a table nearby.
She looked up and glanced at me. “Ember, stop looking at me like I got two heads.” She giggled and handed me the paper dangling between her fingers.
Without saying another word, I accepted it. I didn’t bother looking at what she had jotted down. It went into my vest pocket along with old receipts I had there. I planned to throw it away later.
I allowed Cassie to get my hopes up for nothing. At first, she had me thinking I would get the answer that would eliminate most of my money problems. Instead, she presented a far-fetched ass idea to me. It was clear we weren’t going to see eye to eye on this subject.
I didn’t have the slightest idea how that process went, nor was I trying to find out.
In my eyes, it was easier said than done.
All I knew was what came with pregnancy: the body changes, the aches and pain, the stretch marks, the raging hormones, and everything else that came with bringing a baby into this world.
Most importantly, the possibility of bonding with a child I couldn’t keep.
Nope, I can’t do it. Just thinking about all the what ifs was too much for a passionate woman like me.
“Are you going to at least think about it?” Cassie asked, snapping me from my thoughts.
“Okay, okay. I’ll think about it. Does that sound good?”
She grinned. “Actually, it does. That’s all I’m asking you to do.”
Just when I was going to respond, Cassie’s attention shifted toward the front window that faced the parking lot.
“Come on, Ember. Here comes Mr. Gross, with his gross ass.”
We both laughed and got back to work.
“Momma, I have a project due next week. I need markers, a large poster board, and a few other things,” Rhema mentioned when we walked into our apartment.
I took a deep breath, regretting spending my last on the phone bill. Paying that bill left my bank account balance at $0.45, and I wouldn’t get paid again for another two weeks.
Guilt washed over me. My palms became sweaty. My eyes began to twitch, and my heart fluttered nonstop. I couldn’t afford something so simple as school supplies for my daughter’s school project.
“Okay, love bug. I’ll get everything you need,” I told her as I struggled to swallow the growing lump in my throat. “Go shower. I’ll get started on dinner soon.”