EMBER
It was washday, and I sat moping around in the bootleg area the owner of the apartment complex called a laundromat.
Two out of six of the machines worked, and everything looked janky.
Trash littered the place, the vending machines containing washing supplies were out of order, and I didn’t know if they ever worked.
The change machine constantly got stuck when we put coins inside, and somehow, we never got our money back.
Then there were the homemade ‘Not Working’ signs plastered on the dirty graffiti walls.
Along with being in a room where things barely worked, my morning had been eventful.
I got into a shouting match with a tenant who wanted to wash her clothes while I was washing.
She claimed I was hogging up the washer and dryer all morning.
I woke up early enough to start a load, and she could’ve done the same.
These days, I was snapping on everyone, and I didn’t enjoy being in this state. I did everything to not feel sorry for myself, but my attempts were anything but successful. I needed a break badly. On top of that, I couldn’t stop replaying my last encounter with Shane.
I still couldn’t believe the way he was lusting after a child… my child. It felt like someone was punching me in the gut whenever I thought about what could’ve possibly happened if I hadn’t caught him staring at her.
I kept beating myself up and trying to compensate for what happened. I poured extra love into Rhema, promising that I’d do anything in my ability to keep her safe.
My daughter came before any man, and that was the one thing I would forever stand ten toes down on.
I got up from the crate I was sitting on to put the last load into the washing machine. As I tossed the clothes inside, I checked the pockets, half hoping I’d get lucky and find some forgotten cash, half making sure I wasn’t about to wash something that had no business in there.
I dug into my work vest pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.
Damn, I forgot about this.
It was the paper that Cassie had given me with the surrogacy information.
I was supposed to discard it the same day she handed it to me, but it slipped my mind.
With the tip of my finger, I traced the company name on the paper, Little Miracles Surrogacy.
Then I balled up the piece of paper and threw it into the garbage can that was already overflowing with trash.
Surrogacy wasn’t for a woman like me. It never would be.
BANG! BANG!
I stirred in bed, wondering who was knocking on my door after I had just finished having a whole breakdown. Slowly, I got out of bed, put my robe on, and grabbed a few tissues to dry my tear-stained face. Then, I walked toward the front of my apartment.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“Who is it?” I inquired without opening the door.
“Your trash!”
Confusion seeped in. “Huh, my trash?” I said in a low tone.
I didn’t have a peephole, nor did I have a window facing the front of my apartment. So, I had no idea who the unfamiliar voice belonged to, but I opened the door anyway, hoping curiosity wouldn’t be my downfall.
In front of me was a woman who looked like she had just rolled out of bed, and the first thing on her mind was coming to see me. Next to her stood a cute little brown skinned girl who looked to be about the same age as Rhema, and behind them was the last person I wanted to see.
Shane.
Trying hard to ignore him, I gave the angry woman my attention.
I studied her face as my focus zoomed in on her tired, droopy eyes, her dark smoker lips, the stiff, flaky weave thrown on top of her head, and then my eyes traveled down to the stains on her tank top, the see-through biker shorts, and her worn out slides.
“How can I help you?” I asked after taking in her appearance and brushing off my annoyance with Shane’s presence.
She smirked hard and looked back at Shane. “I thought you’d never ask. You can help me by taking this bum ass nigga back.”
“Girl, what?” Now I was the one smirking and rolling my eyes.
I didn’t have time for any of this shit.
It felt like they were already here too long.
I glanced at the little girl; my heart softened a bit thinking about my own daughter.
Forget finding out that Shane had been cheating on me; I worried about this girl’s safety, and I wondered if her mother knew what she was dealing with.
Was this the same child Mrs. Byrd saw Shane picking up from Rhema’s school?
I decided to speak up. “Do you know that he—”
“I’m here to drop yo’ nigga back at home.
I’on want him no more,” she cut me off. “I ain’t taking care of no grown ass man.
No ma’am, not doing it. Especially when I have six other kids to feed.
He was only good for fuckin’ and babysittin’.
This nigga can’t provide shit else,” she vented as if Shane wasn’t standing there listening to her talk about him.
Clearly, she didn’t care, and shockingly, he stayed quiet.
I stood frozen, not believing this was really happening. This nigga was no longer my problem.
Ms. Lady wasn’t done yet. “I’m begging you to take yo’ nigga back. This is what I get for messing with a muthafucka who had a girlfriend. Now his broke ass is tryna leech off me.”
Before I could pop off like I wanted to, Shane stepped up and got in her face.
I immediately became tense.
“Bitch, you got me fucked up. I ain’t tell you to come over here to bash me, the fuck. I told you to come here to beat her ass, not be on no woman empowerment bullshit. Both of y’all bitches can fuck off. I’m out.”
Wanting to watch my words and be respectful in front of a child went away when I heard his voice.
“You pedophile ass bitch!” I yelled. “If you know what’s good for you, you better get the fuck away from my door before I call the police on yo’ ass again.”
Shane automatically shut down at the mention of police. I knew how much he hated them, and now I wondered if it was because he was up to no good. He backed away from my door, scowled at us, and speed walked down the street, leaving us standing there.
When he disappeared around the corner, the woman moved closer to me.
“Why did you call him a pedophile?” she asked, her voice no longer filled with anger.
“I caught his sick ass staring at my eleven-year-old daughter inappropriately while she was getting dressed.” I held back from telling her that his dick was hard while he watched her.
I didn’t want to disclose that information in front of a minor.
I already felt like we had said too much around her.
Not only that, but I also hated reliving that moment. It still hurt me deeply.
The woman stood with her mouth agape as her eyes darted from me to her daughter, then back on me.
“What? Are you fo’real?” She swallowed hard, her eyes glued to me. “I’ve been trusting him to pick my daughter up from the school down the street and watching her for me.”
Is this my confirmation? The only school in the area is the same school Rhema attended, so this little girl was possibly the child Mrs. Byrd saw Shane with that day.
She was now looking at her daughter again. “Orisha?”
The young girl looked up at her mom innocently, as her mother looked like she had a million thoughts running through her mind. I knew that look all too well.
“Has Shane ever touched your private parts?”
I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Suddenly, I felt like an intruder listening in on their conversation. Just weeks ago, I had the same question for my daughter.
Orisha’s eyes misted, and she looked down at her shoes.
“Tell me, Rish. Is that why you barely speak now?” She panicked as she questioned her daughter.
Orisha began to twirl the loose thread that hung from the bottom of her shorts, but she never responded. Her mother gripped her shoulders and stooped down to her level.
“I promise you won’t get in trouble, baby.”
A moment later, Orisha slowly nodded ‘yes’.
I gasped, and the woman’s eyes bulged. She looked at me wildly before grabbing her daughter’s hands and storming off.
“I’m going to kill that muthafucka when I see him again!” she shouted while getting into her car and driving off.
Fresh tears stung my eyes; this shit was straight up trifling.
My heart broke for a child I didn’t know.
I didn’t wish this type of trauma on anyone, not even on my worst enemy.
It hurt me to know I was sleeping with a predator.
Shane preyed on single mothers with daughters, it seemed.
Sick fuck. I sure hoped there weren’t any more victims.
I prayed the woman called the police on Shane, just like I had, even though he hadn’t physically touched Rhema.
When the police finally showed up that night, I told them what happened, and they questioned both Rhema and me.
To my knowledge, it didn’t go anywhere, because I had no location on Shane’s whereabouts, and neither did the law.
The officers said they would get back to me, but I knew that wasn’t happening.
Maybe they had a heavy workload of other cases to solve, or maybe the safety of little Black children was the least of their worries.
I took a few minutes to get myself together before checking on Rhema.
For some reason, my parents crossed my mind, and I wished I had a mom and dad I could run to during a time like this.
I didn’t feel safe in my apartment anymore.
What if Shane showed up again? I didn’t have enough money to change the lock or get a room for us to escape to for the night.
I leaned on the doorframe and watched my daughter sleep so peacefully.
My mother’s words replayed in my head. “You were grown enough to spread your legs. I hope you keep that same energy when it’s time to take care of that baby you and that boy made.
” Years later, her words still struck my heart, maybe even harder now, because even as a grown woman, I was struggling to take care of my child.
After covering Rhema with a thin bed sheet, I went back to my bedroom and lay on the bed. I intertwined my fingers and rested them beneath my head as I stared at the dark ceiling. I’d been stagnant for too long. Something had to give. If I wanted more and wanted better, it was time to take action.
I reached for my phone and swallowed my pride.
Once I found the name I was looking for in my contacts, I pressed call and waited for an answer.
Four rings later, she picked up.
“Hey, Cassie, sorry to call you so late. But um…” I closed my eyes and gently bit into my bottom lip. “Can you please give me the information for the surrogacy center again?”
With all that had transpired, it became my priority to chase after a better life for Rhema and me. I brought her into this world, and it was my responsibility to determine how the next chapter of our lives would turn out.
Cassie lightly chuckled. “I sure can. Give me a second. I’ll send it right now.”
“Thank you,” I told her, and we ended the call.
Doing the same thing every day hadn’t gotten me anywhere.
Nothing was going to change for me if I didn’t either step out of my comfort zone or make a sacrifice.