16. Ember
EMBER
“Are you sure you don’t want to crash in my living room for however long you need to?” Cassie looked concerned after I told her I was getting evicted.
“I don’t want to crowd your space.”
“Girl, please. You can’t ever crowd my space. Ember, y’all don’t have anywhere to go.”
My eyes twitched. “I’ll figure it out, Cass.”
She wasn’t taking my word for it. This was why I didn’t want to tell her about my problems. I hated feeling like a burden.
I also didn’t want to sleep under the same roof as my friend and her husband.
Not saying anything would happen, but I’ve never been the type to put myself in a situation where a woman might wonder if I would mess with her man.
“Have you heard back from Little Miracle Surrogacy yet?”
“The last I heard from them was the day of the examination. Cassie, I told you. Nobody’s lining up to pick me as a surrogate. I’m sure they see plenty of desperate women every day. I’m not the only one who needs a lump sum of money to save the day.”
“That’s your problem. You’re always thinking nothing good could ever happen for you.”
“That’s been my life. Nothing life changing has ever happened.”
“It just ain’t your time yet. That’s all. My life hasn’t always been easy either, but deep down, I feel like the best is still coming. I feel the same for you.”
I dug into my lunch bag and pulled out a Lunchable. “One of us has to keep hope alive.”
Cassie stared at me long and hard.
“What?” I asked, stacking the turkey and cheese on a cracker.
“I’ve watched you go back and forth. One minute you’re drowning in your sorrows.
The next you’re saying, ‘Forget fear’ and taking a step to change your life.
Maybe everything happening right now is meant to make you uncomfortable.
If you weren’t uncomfortable, you would stay exactly where you are.
And that hasn’t worked for you or anyone else for that matter.
Don’t make yourself small for anybody, especially not your own negative thoughts.
What’s not meant for you is already being removed from your life.
You have to be a little delusional to get somewhere in this world.
Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. ”
I rubbed my eyes, trying not to break down. Cassie was right. I had to choose. Either I was going to keep living in fear, or I was going to be delusional until I made it.
I leaned over and hugged her. “Thank you, my girl.”
I always listened to what Cassie had to say, but this time it hit differently. I was going to take every word to heart.
“Always, Ember. Now let me get one of those Lunchable sandwiches. The way you’re tearing it up like it’s a five-star meal got me hungry.”
We both laughed as I slid the tray over to share.
How the fuck did I end up in a women’s homeless shelter?
Seeing how uncomfortable Rhema was made me feel worse than I already did.
She sat on a twin sized bed across from me with her hands in her lap, looking around.
There were women from different backgrounds roaming the place.
As I stared into sad eyes that matched my own, I couldn’t help but wonder what their stories were.
No one smiled except the babies and children, who were too young to understand the life they’d been born into or how trauma could shape their futures.
“Momma, why are we here?” Rhema asked, her gaze fixed on a woman standing in front of a mirror, shaving off all her hair while mascara mixed with tears ran down her face.
I could feel the pain radiating from the woman.
“Rhema, stop staring, baby,” I whispered.
She gave the lady one last glance, then looked at me.
“We lost our apartment, Rhe. So, we have to stay here for a little while. It will only be for a short time.” I tried to be transparent without telling her too much.
I refused to pass down my burdens to my child.
If anything, I wanted to teach her how to come out of anything meant to break her.
Rhema had watched me struggle, feel sorry for myself, and stay stuck for way too long.
Through it all, the love from my child kept me going each day.
If I couldn’t be a good role model for a little girl I brought into this world, then what was I really doing?
There was only so much I could shield my baby from, but Lord knows I wanted to protect her from everything.
“I hope we don’t have to stay here long.” Her voice cracked at the same moment my heart did.
Sometimes I failed at showing up for myself. Sometimes I failed Rhema, but one thing I can say is that I kept going. Through the doubts, fear, grief, late night crying sessions, anxiety, empty bank accounts, and the pain from not having my parents and Rhema’s father in my life.
At times I felt like I wasn’t living. I was only existing.
When we first stepped into the shelter, I went into the small computer room they had and filled out as many online job applications as I could.
I would need a second job to afford this expensive ass California rent.
At my last apartment, I relied on Shane to help with the rent during the months he ‘felt like’ pitching in, but that was barely enough.
Just thinking about him made my stomach turn.
That was one of the ways I failed Rhema.
Allowing Shane—a pedophile—into our space.
She saw her mother shacked up with a nigga I had no business letting get access to me.
The company we keep could elevate or hinder us.
Why was I so blind? Was I desperate to have a man, just to be able to say I had a man?
Did I depend on the small things he did because I believed I didn’t deserve better?
In that moment, while sitting in that shelter, I came to one single conclusion. For me to have put up with all that I had, there was no way I loved myself. If I did, I would have kicked Shane out a long time ago. The red flags and the half-ass things he did should have made me walk away sooner.
“Momma, did you hear me?”
“Huh? What did you say?” I was caught up in my thoughts.
“I said, do we really have to stay here with all these people? Some of them look scary and crazy,” Rhema uttered, her eyes darting around again.
She was right; some of these women did look scary and looked exactly like what they’d been through. But I would never judge. Some of them had probably been to hell and back and were here because they had nowhere else to go.
“I know, sweetie. I’m gonna get us out of here. Momma gon’ protect you, okay?” I got up and moved closer to Rhema. “We can’t judge anyone here, you hear me? These people are already dealing with enough as it is… just like we are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to be sorry, Rhe. Promise me you gon’ be my lil’ strong baby.”
The corners of her lips lifted into the sweetest smile. “I promise.”
“That’s my girl.”
I heard a slight buzzing noise and looked around, trying to find where it was coming from. It didn’t take me long to realize it was coming from my purse. I reached into the bag for my phone and noticed I had a missed call from Amara.
Oh shit.
I instantly went into panic mode.
Amara left a voicemail telling me to return her call. I glanced around, wanting to step outside to have a private conversation, but when I looked at Rhema’s wide eyes and parted lips, I chose to stay. I couldn’t let her out of my sight.
I dialed Amara’s number back, and when she answered, I lowered my tone.
“Hey, Amara. Sorry I missed your call.”
“Hi, Ember. Thanks for returning my call. I was calling to let you know the results from your physical exam came back, and everything looks great,” Amara said, cutting straight to the point. “Also, you were selected to become a surrogate for a family. Congratulations!”
Amara said a mouthful in such a short time.
My eyes were now as wide as Rhema’s, but for different reasons.
Was this really happening? Can I really carry a baby for someone else? What if I get attached to their child? Nah, I can’t do this.
“Ember?”
Amara’s voice snapped me from my thoughts.
“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that, please?” I needed more time to process what she said and time to come up with some type of response.
“Of course. The results from your physical exam have been cleared. And I also said you were chosen to be a surrogate for a husband and wife. Would you still like to move forward?”
My prior thought about no one wanting a Black woman to be their surrogate had been proven wrong. Why wouldn’t Black surrogates be wanted? Black women are amazing.
Amara threw me for a loop. The last thing I expected to hear was that I had been chosen. It had been about two months since I applied to become a surrogate, but it still felt like things were moving fast.
“Yes, Amara. I’m still interested,” I found myself saying.
“Awesome! I’ll go over a few things with you. If you have any questions, please let me know.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath, not believing what I was getting myself into.
“We’ll start with the payment details first. The intended parents are paying eighty thousand dollars.
You’ll receive forty thousand dollars once a heartbeat is confirmed, and the second half will be paid after the baby is born.
” She sniffled before continuing. “They do not want you working while you’re pregnant and will pay for lost wages, food, and living expenses along with the eighty thousand dollars. ”
My heart stopped.
Surrogacy was starting to sound like a dream come true. I still had my concerns, and fear still had a hold on me. Other than that, this would eliminate my financial problems and put me ahead… for once in my life.
“They’ll cover any extra costs pertaining to the pregnancy. Depending on the circumstances, payments can be negotiated, since things can change at any given time.”
“Circumstances such as?” I inquired out of curiosity.
“So, let’s say you were to get pregnant with twins… maybe triplets.” She paused, sounding like she was shuffling through papers. “One second.”
“Oh, here it is. Never mind, I see here that you’re only interested in carrying one child at a time,” she went on. “Other instances include c-section fees, maternity clothes, life insurance, or things of that nature. In those cases, payment can be negotiated.”
“Oh, okay, I see. Thank you for explaining.”
“No problem. Ember, I also wanted to mention that it’s important for you to know that both parties will remain anonymous.
All information will go through either myself or my husband, Nehemiah.
There are some things I haven’t gone over yet, but I’ll be emailing you with more in-depth details and stipulations.
If you’re confused about anything in the paperwork, you can reach out, and I will clear up any confusion.
In the meantime, do you have any questions? ”
“No, not anything I can think of.” There were so many questions I could’ve asked if I was thinking with a clear mind. My nerves were all over the place, and I wasn’t in a safe place to freely speak how I wanted to.
“I know it’s a lot of information to unpack here,” she added, like she understood my internal dilemma. “You’ll have some time to go over everything while we handle a few more things on our end. I’ll reach out again when we have an update or when it’s time to move forward to the next step.”
“T-T-thank you, Amara,” I stuttered, doing everything to hide my nervousness.
“You’re very welcome, Ember. Remember to reach out if you have any questions or concerns.”
“I will.”
I quickly hung up and was finally able to breathe normally again.
Rhema was now looking at me. “Momma, you okay?”
“I’ll be okay, love. Don’t you worry your pretty little self, alright?”
Her attention was stolen away from me when a few kids who seemed to be around her age walked by with their mother. I appreciated her attention briefly being diverted from me as I tried to get myself together.
I thought about keeping the news to myself, but when I thought about it, this news was too big not to share with someone I trusted. Cassie was the only person who came to mind. She was the one who initiated this idea, so calling her felt like the right thing to do.
I dialed her number. Once again, I lowered my tone when she answered.
“Cassie, girl.”
“Hey, Ember. Is everything okay? Where are you? There’s a lot of background noise.”
I would avoid her question about my location. Cassie would have a lot to say about me declining her offer to stay at her house and choosing to be at a shelter instead.
“Yes, Cass. I’m fine, well, I think I am.”
“What do you mean you ‘think’ you are?” she asked, sounding alarmed.
“It’s just that the owner from Little Miracles Surrogacy called me just now to tell me I’ve been selected to become a surrogate.” I whispered the last word so no one around me would hear.
“What!” she squealed loudly on the other end, forcing me to move the phone away from my ear. “Ember, really? This is great news.” I could hear the shock and smile in her voice.
“Yes, really. I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” I chuckled nervously.
“This is great. Like, really great for you,” she reiterated. “Congratulations, friend.”
“Thank you.”
“When are you getting inseminated? Have you seen the couple yet? Are they giving you an amount that will be worthwhile?” Cassie blurted out question after question.
“Hold your horses. I don’t have all the answers to your questions yet. I just wanted to give you an update. Reality hasn’t settled in yet about what the next few months will look like for me, but I promise we’ll talk about it when I see you at work after our off days.”
I hated cutting my girl off, but I couldn’t even think straight. Before I could answer anything, I had to get my mind right first.
“I understand. Take your time. I’m so excited for you. It’s only going up from here. Ember, I feel it.”
I smiled. I sure hope I won’t regret this decision.
“Aight, let me get off this phone. Call me if you need me. And remember, you always have a place to stay if you need it.”
“I appreciate you, Cassie.”
We ended the call, and I sat on the bed silently. I was in a building filled with people, but suddenly there was only one thought on my mind.
My sweet Rhema.
What would she say about what I’m getting ready to do? What would she think when I tell her she will never see the baby she’ll witness growing in my belly? When she’s old enough to understand, will she judge me for doing what I had to do in order for us to survive?