15. Now
Now: November 21st
I didn’t realize I’d been leaning on the door until it swung open under my weight and I stumble a bit. There is a brief moment where everyone’s eyes are on me, but mine are drawn to his… Denver’s . His greenish blue eyes catch mine from across the room, and everything in me tells me to run! Panic seizes my entire being, and like Cinderella dashing from the ball, I bolt out of there at lightning speed.
How could I have been so stupid?
I knew it was a mistake coming here.
Another mistake, again in public. I’m done.
I push through the front doors I’d come in almost an hour ago to be welcomed by a blast of icy air. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the blackened sky. It’s a beautiful, still night. Stars are dotted across the black sky, illuminating the faint outline of the towering, giant mountains in the distance.
When my eyes adjust I scan the parking lot for Wendy’s car. She’s exactly where she promised she’d be. Of course, she is. I start quickly, making my way across the lot toward her when something brushes against my arm. What the?
I whip around and find myself face-to-face with a giant of my own. Denver. I still don’t know what he’s doing here, but it’d be better if I’d never decided to come in the first place. Every time I’m in his presence I only make a fool of myself, and tonight was no different.
The temperature has dropped by at least ten degrees, and I hadn’t noticed how chilly it’d been before. Goosebumps pepper my arms like freckles underneath my lightweight sweater. I should have worn a heavier coat, but I’d left it at home.
“Wait,” he rasps. He must have been running too.
He pauses a moment, his eyes flicking up to meet mine. His touch had been soft, yet strong. I’ve never noticed his muscles before, but I do now as we stand no more than a couple of feet apart. He remembered his coat at least, but it’s leather and tight enough to show off his strength.
Growing impatient, I start to turn. Wendy will be disappointed, but she’ll understand. She always has.
“Listen,” he says quickly to stop my retreat. “I don’t know why you came here tonight, but I’m glad you did.”
I’m surprised at the softness in his voice. It’s masculine, but gentle at the same time. I’m sure he means well, but he’s wrong.
“Coming here tonight was a mistake, and I’m leaving.” I start walking again.
This time he comes around to stand in front of me. Is he seriously cornering me in a public parking lot?
He must instantly read my expression because his eyes flare with an apology. He steps off to the side, putting his hands into his pockets. “Well, I don’t think it was a mistake.”
He goes silent for a moment, and I let him collect his thoughts. I don’t feel a sense of danger from him, and I know Wendy is close by and is probably watching our conversation from her vehicle .
He tries again. “Look, I’ve been coming here off and on for the last six or seven years. They are a great group, and they genuinely care about the people that attend. Of course, there are a few regulars that have never left and probably don’t miss a single meeting. They’re just lonely and know that this is a safe place to talk about what they’ve gone through. But that’s the beauty of it. We’ve all gone through something . And we’ve all lost people in our lives. I just think we don’t have to do this on our own, you know? Life is hard, but being alone is harder.”
A sigh of relief escapes my lungs. I must have misheard the name he said earlier. His loss is more recent, whereas mine was over a decade ago. I’m quick to brush it off, because it doesn’t matter anymore. This will be the last time I see him. Despite this being a small town, I’ve lived here all my life and have never ran into him until recently. At least it won’t be happening here again, because I won’t be coming back.
When he finishes, I feel a tear trail down my cheek. I hardly ever cry anymore. For years that’s all I did. I’ve cried so much I’ve finally run all my tears dry, at least I thought so. Until tonight. Why now?
He has no idea what I’ve lost. What I’ve done.
I swipe the tear away and silently pray it’ll be the last.
When I don’t say anything he continues. “And you’re not the first person to walk out.”
My chin trembles, and I dare to meet his eyes again. Up close his eyes are a sea green that reminds me of sea glass or a beautiful gemstone. “I– I’m not?” My voice quivers.
He shakes his head and smiles sympathetically. “No, not at all. It happened the last time I attended. And I’m sure it will happen again. They all understand. They’ve been there. Grief is hard. It’s painful. Having the courage to share is even harder. Some never share anything about their lives, they just show up. That’s all you can do sometimes. ”
You just show up. I hadn’t heard anyone else say that before. Not since?—
I guess that’s what I did tonight. I wasn’t what you’d call a willing participant, but I came. I had shown up. I am here.
I find my courage and dare to ask him something else. “Did you say you come here every year around the same time?” I know it’s not fair of me to be nosy, but he seems to be a lot more open than I am. After all, he’s well-known and liked here. He belongs here. I’m a stranger looking in, and I’ve lived here my whole life.
His eyes break away from mine and he looks back behind me towards the black, tall building we ran out of. “Yes, you heard that part right. I come here every year from November through February. Paying a sort of tribute I suppose.”
February. I shiver at the thought, or maybe it's just from the cold. It is freezing out here and I can feel my bottom lip start to tremble. I hope he doesn’t notice.
A tribute to someone. Someone he’s lost. My throat tightens at this, and my eyes start to well up again. I bite my lip, refusing to let any tears escape this time. I won’t cry. Not in front of him.
There are a hundred other things I could say right now, but instead, I blurt out, “I need to go. My ride is waiting for me.” Plus, I’m sure my lips are turning a shade of blue by now.
If Wendy has paid attention to the time I’m sure she’s at least spotted me standing here talking to Denver in the parking lot. I know she’ll bombard me with questions as soon as I get in her car, but being interrogated is one of the last things I want to do right now. This is something that will just have to wait. I’m sure she’ll understand. I’m suddenly exhausted, and my lack of sleep is catching up with me.
His eyes spark with something for a brief moment and then fade away. I get the feeling he would keep talking to me if I hadn’t made another excuse to get away. Running seems to be the theme of the evening.
He nods, understanding. “Yeah, me too. I’ve got to get home to Marvel. She’s fully capable of putting herself to bed, but I like to be there, you know?”
I nod because I don’t know what else to do or say. I don’t have kids of my own so I don’t know what he’s referring to, though I can imagine. I tuck my head down and start to move, hoping he will let me pass this time. He does. He hollers one last thing as I make my way closer to my final escape.
“I hope you’ll come back next month! Sometimes showing up is all you can do, Nicki.”
That’s the first time I’ve ever heard him say my name. And for some odd reason, I like the way it rolls off his tongue.
But I quickly push the thought aside. Because I don’t think I’ll be coming back. Coffee bribes or not.