29. Now
Now: New Years Eve
D enver arrives promptly at seven. He’d texted me a little earlier telling me to wear something sparkly. I was in the middle of texting him back, asking where he was taking us this time and he replied with:
Denver
Trust me when I tell you it’s not IHOP this time.
I got the hint. But seriously, where is the guy taking me? I’m assuming that this is a date (dangerous assumption, I know), and if that is the case, he’s most likely not bringing his daughter with him. Although, I honestly wouldn’t have minded if he did. I want to know more about her. I want to know what life is like for her at sixteen. What his life is like raising a sixteen-year old. I hope it’s a lot different from how things were for me at that age. I try hard to shake loose the negative thoughts. Tonight isn’t about my past. Tonight is all about us. It’s time to move forward.
I can’t believe he brought me to Bella Luna. The restaurant itself is built inside a cave. I’ve never actually eaten here before—we never had this kind of money growing up—and besides, I think it’s only been open for less than two years. Wendy has come here on some of her date nights before. I didn’t dare ask what it cost for them to eat here, but she says the food is to die for.
It’s not damp and cold like you would think a normal cave would be. It is dark, but the entire place is lit with hundreds of candles everywhere, and it’s incredible. A live band is playing in one part of the restaurant, and every waiter and waitress is dressed in black, formal attire. I end up deciding on an ombre sea-green dress that I wore the night I won a book award. Somehow it still fit just how I’d remembered. Denver hasn’t quit staring at me since he first picked me up half an hour ago.
I’ve been perusing the menu for what feels like ages now, and I still haven’t decided what to order. The menu itself is like a novella. The choices are endless, and don’t even get me started on the dessert—which has a separate menu, of course.
I finally look up to see Denver staring at me. He really needs to stop that. I feel like he’s undressing me with his eyes, and I don’t know him well enough yet to read his thoughts. What is he thinking about? Do I dare ask him?
I clear my throat and take a small sip from my ice water. “So…” I gesture to the menu, “What’s good here? And don’t say everything.”
He laughs. That beautiful, velvety smooth laugh. “No? But what if everything is good?” he teases.
I had a feeling he would say something like that. Little punk. “Well, in that case, I’ll order the… uh…” I glance down quickly at the page I have opened and point to the first thing I find .
“Fried scallops with lemon risotto and balsamic roasted vegetables,” I challenge again.
Is this what flirting feels like? I know nothing of the sort. I’m just going with it and doing my best not to second-guess the things that slip out of my mouth. Tonight, I’ve decided I’m not holding back.
He leans back in his chair, crossing his lean arms across his chest and smirking at me. “Ah, good choice.”
Is he being serious or playing with me? Is this him flirting back?
“You say that like you’re a regular here,” I say, smirking a little.
“So what if I am?” he asks. His eyes find mine and he must read something in them because his eyes suddenly soften and his shoulders relax a little.
“I’m so sorry, Nicki, I didn’t mean it like that… I… I’ve never been here before either. This is my first time.” His whole demeanor has changed.
Because of me. Because of the doubt written all over my face. I did this, not him. Although, with the direction our conversation was heading, I couldn’t be too sure I was the only girl he’d ever brought here.
I shake the thought away. I want to believe him. I’m pretty sure that I do. I don’t have any real reason not to, other than the fact that trusting people isn’t always the easiest thing for me. But I am trying.
“This is my first date,” I admit quietly.
I glance back down at the menu so I have something else to focus on. I can do this. I won’t run or try to escape when things get awkward. I’m going to stick this out. That’s when I feel an extra presence looming over us. It’s one of the wait staff ready to take our orders. I order the scallop meal I’d just recited to Denver before I’d gotten “weird eyes” and ruined the moment.
The moment the waitress walks away with our orders, Denver leans in close. It’s already a small table, and I can instantly smell his pine scent. I look up. My breath catches in my throat, but I force our eyes to stay locked. I don’t allow my body to move away.
“Is it really?” he asks softly.
I nod my head quietly, “Yeah, my first date that’s not at an IHOP,” I tease, smiling at him.
He returns the smile, and a laugh escapes him. “Hey, what’s wrong with IHOP?” He feigns indignation.
I shrug my shoulders, not saying anything. But he decides not to say anything either. I hope I haven’t offended him, I was only teasing. Official date or not, it’s a night I won’t soon forget, because I’m with him. There’s an awkward pause. Worry sneaks its way in through the cracks, and I find myself waiting.
Waiting for him to turn away or tell me this isn’t going to work. I still don’t even know how old he is. Or what his favorite color is or if he has any hobbies. What do I know about him? We agreed to take things slow, but am I the one rushing it?
Relax. Breathe. Stay calm.
Instead, I blurt out, “How old are you?”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “I just turned forty this past June.”
He’s forty. Okay. That means we are at least eight years apart. That’s not so bad. He’s Wendy’s age, and they both look amazing.
“What about you?” he asks in return.
“Thirty-two,” I reply.
I rapid-fire another question, “Why do you go to G&G?”
Our eyes are still locked. We don’t break eye contact. He takes a moment to respond this time, not backing away though. “I lost someone dear to me.”
Tears form in my eyes because I know what that loss feels like all too well. Too well. Don’t ask. Please don’t ask me. Only Wendy is allowed to ask me the hard stuff, and even then I don’t give her much.
I nod. I don’t say anything. It’ll cause me to break whatever spell is going on between us. I’ll be tempted to run away, and I don’t want to keep doing that to him.
“You?” he barely whispers.
No, I can’t. I shake my head. He won’t pressure me into saying it, I know he won’t. I know it’s not fair of me, but I simply can’t. He wouldn’t understand.
“Nicki… you don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready. But please, I won’t judge you for whatever it is. I can tell it’s something you’ve been carrying around for a long time. Sometimes it helps to tell someone… to unburden yourself. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He says that now. But he might. He absolutely might run in the opposite direction if he knew the truth. If only I really could tell somebody… would I finally be able to breathe? Would it release me from the pain and burden I’ve carried all these years? Or would it unleash new ones? It’s too big of a risk.
“I appreciate that, but it’s not something I can talk about. I know that’s not exactly fair. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
Then he does something surprising, he leans across the table and grabs onto both of my hands. I am immediately lit up from the inside out, as though he struck a match and lit a flame within.
I can’t believe this man. What is he doing? Why me ? One of his hands leaves mine to wipe a tear that manages to escape down my cheek. Why does he care so much?
“Don’t be sorry, Nicki. I want to be with you.”
I believe him. I fully and wholeheartedly believe him. I don’t want to let him go. If he lets go of me, maybe none of this will be real. I couldn’t have made all of this up in my head, right? Even I’m not that creative. But this feels too good to be true. Can it be?
“You do?” I say softly back.
“Absolutely. We all have broken pieces, Nicki. And I won’t promise that I can fix them. I don’t have those kinds of powers. But I genuinely want to be here for you. I get the feeling that you haven’t had anyone on your side for a long time… Is that right? ”
I nod. That's all I can manage. I’m in a haze.
“I want to be with you if you want me to.”
I do, I really do. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so badly in a long, long time. Fate be damned, I want this man.