Chapter 30
Thirty
Remi
“So, how are you feelin’ about it?” I ask Lukas, tossing a fry in my mouth. My eyes squint against the sun as I look at him across the table. It’s a nice day, and he just got out of therapy, so we’re grabbing a bite to eat before going back to the house.
He shrugs, chewing on the end of his straw. “Okay, I guess.”
“Yeah? And you’re still likin’ the therapist?”
Today marks one month since Lukas started weekly therapy. Not long, but I’m hopeful that it’s helping him, even if he’s completely uninterested in talking about it with me.
“She’s nice.” Another shrug.
“Do you feel like it’s helpin’?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Something I’ve come to learn since Lukas moved in is getting a teenager to talk to you about…
anything of meaning is next to impossible.
I’m sure I was the same way when I was younger, but man, give me something.
I don’t take it personally because that’s just how Lukas is.
He keeps his feelings close to his chest, and he’s the same way with his grief.
He’s shared memories with me here and there about him and his dad, and he’s admitted to having sad days, but that’s about as far as opening up goes.
Maybe it’s something that will change over time, or maybe this is how it’ll always be. Either way, he has my full support.
We continue eating, but Lukas swiftly changes the subject to the project he’s working on for school.
They have to build a solar oven, and it’s been all he’s talked about all week.
I love seeing how excited he gets over stuff like this.
His whole face lights up, and he gets real animated with his hands when explaining anything about it to me.
Teenage Remi would’ve been so annoyed that he had to do something like this.
But Lukas is so excited, and so eager to learn as much as he can.
My palms sweat as I try to think of a way to bring up something I’ve been wanting to talk to him about. If I’m being honest, it’s something I’ve been working up the nerve to bring up for days, but it never seems like the right time.
But I’m doing it today, no matter what.
I’m going to ask Lukas if I can adopt him.
In the grand scheme of things, he hasn’t been in my care all that long, but it blows me away how quickly my heart opened to him.
How quickly he went from a stranger to my family.
Six months ago, I was a bachelor living alone, and now I’m scheduling appointments and making sure there’s enough vegetables in the food I make.
I went from not having to think about anybody but myself to not even a half hour going by without thinking about Lukas.
I called his grandma last week to update her on how he’s doing.
Before we got off the phone, I brought up me adopting Lukas, and she was completely on board with it.
Which I figured would be the case. She made it pretty clear before she moved that she had zero interest in raising another kid.
And if he’s going to stay with me indefinitely, I’d really love to make it official, if that’s something Lukas wants too, so he never has to wonder if his life is going to be uprooted again.
I want him to know how much I love him, and how his home is with me for as long as he wants it to be.
But fuck, the idea of asking is a little more intimidating than I thought it would be.
Taking a couple of deep breaths, I decide to put my big boy pants on, and get it over with. It’s not going to get any less scary or nerve-racking the longer I wait. “Hey, bud, there’s somethin’ I wanted to talk to you about.”
His gaze lifts from his plate. Arching a brow, he says, “Uh, okay. Fantastic conversation opener.”
I chuckle. “Sorry. It’s nothin’ bad. Promise.”
“Okay. What is it then?”
Another deep breath.
Here goes nothing.
“I wanna start by sayin’ I don’t expect an answer right now, or even this week. You can take as much time as you need, and no matter what you decide, you won’t hurt my feelings, and it doesn’t change a thing.”
“Oh my gosh, Remi,” he groans. “You’re freakin’ me out.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I fold my hands together in my lap to keep them from shaking. “I’ll just…spit it out, I guess.”
“Yeah. Good idea,” he deadpans.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought recently, and if you’re okay with it, I’d really love to adopt you.”
Lukas stares at me for a second before shifting his gaze to the plate in front of him, fingers picking at the half-eaten burger. “You mean, like…for real?” His voice is small, barely above a whisper.
“For real,” I say. “Like legally. Like forever.”
His eyes flick up to mine, glossy and unsure. “Is that… Is that allowed?” Lukas swallows, his hands falling to his lap. “I mean, I already had a dad.”
“I know. And I’ll never be him. I don’t wanna be. He was your dad, and he always will be. Nothin’ will change that, Lukas.”
He nods, his jaw tight and his lips pressed together.
“Adoptin’ you wouldn’t erase him,” I offer. “It wouldn’t change how much you love him, or how much he loved you. It just means—” My voice cracks, emotion thick in my throat. I don’t fight it. “It just means you never have to wonder where you belong anymore.”
His eyes are red-rimmed, and he rubs his eyebrow with his thumb like he’s trying to shield his face, to hide the emotion he’s feeling. “But you already take care of me.”
“I do. And I want to keep doin’ that. On the good days, on the awful ones, on the days you miss him so much you can’t breathe.”
“Even when I’m mad? Or quiet?”
“Especially then,” I say, holding his gaze and making sure he knows how much I mean that. “I’m not tryin’ to take his place, Lukas. I’m just askin’ if you’ll let me stand here with you. Be your safe space. Your home.”
Lukas doesn’t say anything for a moment. I don’t try to fill the silence. I give him the space he needs to digest this.
“So, you’d be my…dad?” he asks, the question tugging on my heartstrings. “A second dad?”
I’m unable to hide my smile. “Kid, I’d be honored. But only if that’s what you want. Like I said, there’s no rush. I don’t expect an answer today or any time soon. It’s a big decision, and you’re allowed to take as much time as you need.”
He nods once, then again, his gaze bouncing between his hands and my face. “Okay,” he finally murmurs. “I do…want that.”
Tears spring to my eyes before I can help it. There’s a lump in my throat, making it impossible to breathe. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” His eyes brighten as he smiles.
“Thank you.” Standing, I round the table, and lean down, wrapping my arms around him. “I love you, bud.”
He clutches at my shirt like he’s afraid I might disappear. “I love you too.”
It’s not lost on me that this is the first time we’ve said that to each other out loud. But I couldn’t think of a more fitting time.
After we both dry our eyes, we finish eating, and I pay the bill.
Nothing else is said about it on the way home, which I expected.
It’s not until a couple of hours later, when I’m unloading the dishwasher that Lukas pads into the room and slides on one of the bar stools in front of the counter, and says, “Would that mean Gentry will be my stepdad?”
My eyes fly to him, the plate I’m washing slipping from my grip. “Whoa, hey,” I sputter, turning the faucet off. “Uh—” Clearing my throat, I say, “Where, uh… Where’d that come from?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Just curious.”
“Why… Why do you think that?”
“So, no?” he asks, clearly oblivious to the internal panic this question is causing me.
I clear my throat again. “Well, that’s not what I’m sayin’. I’m just confused about where it’s comin’ from. Why Gentry?”
Lukas clicks his tongue to his teeth, watching me with an unamused expression. “Come on, Remi,” he deadpans. “I may be young, but I’m not stupid.”
My heart thunders. “I, uh—I don’t think I know what you mean, kid.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and lifts a brow. Silently daring me to lie.
I fold.
Of course, I do.
“How do you know about that?”
“Remember, young, not stupid.” He laughs when my face scrunches up. “And I may have heard you talkin’ to Hollis about it a few weeks ago.”
I huff, knowing exactly which night he’s referring to. “Ain’t nobody ever told you it’s not polite to eavesdrop?”
He laughs again, not looking even the least bit remorseful. Little shit. “I didn’t mean to,” he offers. “Got up to use the bathroom, and I heard y’all.” Shrugging, he adds, “Blame Hollis. His voice carries.”
I rub my hand over my face, suddenly wishing to be anywhere but this kitchen. “Okay, yes, Gentry and I are…datin’, but it’s still kind of new.”
“So what you’re sayin’ is, I shouldn’t call him stepdad when I go over there next week?”
He’s having a sleepover at Gentry’s house next week while I’m on duty. I’m taking him over there in the morning before my shift. He’ll get to hang out with the guys all day and help around the ranch, then have a movie night with Tucker after dinner.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter under my breath. “Yeah, let’s not do that.”
“Why not?” he asks obtusely. “Might be funny.”
“Kid, I swear you’re gonna give me gray hair before I’m thirty-five.”
Throwing his head back, he laughs, and I can’t help but join in.
“Okay, now that we got that outta the way, why don’t you go take a shower while I finish up cleanin’ this kitchen,” I say. “I’ll let you pick a show when you’re done, and I’ll make some popcorn.”
His eyes widen, and he jumps to his feet. “Bet!”
“Double bet,” I call out as he disappears down the hall.
I chuckle when I hear him heave a sigh. “Remi… No.”
Finishing the dishes, I replay the conversation we had earlier. Emotion clutches at my chest again because Lukas said yes.
I’m adopting him.
Holy shit.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited.