Chapter 31
Britain
The dread and anxiety are overwhelming as I sink into the bed, box of tissues beside me at the ready. I go into the calendar on my phone and click on the Zoom invite link. The video launches with a loud ping. Damnit, she’s already in the meeting waiting for me.
“Hi, Britain. How are you doing?” Carla asks in her pitch-perfect, calm voice. Bob sharp as ever, in her crisp oxford shirt, like always.
“Like shit, quite honestly.” Carla just nods in response. I could tell her I was just hit by a freight train, found out my father was the king of England, and I won the lottery, and her reaction would be the same. I wonder how many years it took her to school her face into a look that says, “I’m concerned, but I also don’t give a fuck.”
“It’s been a little while since we last met. Do you want to catch me up? Or is there something specific you want to work on?” Ugh, this is literally the last thing I want to do right now. Relive the shit show of the last month and a half. I basically stopped meeting with Carla after my first couple of weeks here. I was so happy, I thought it wasn’t necessary. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t want her to judge my life choices. Outwardly, her professionalism would prevent me from ever knowing she was judging me, but deep down, I know she is.
“Yeah, I guess let me walk you through it, it’s a lot. Hope we have enough time.”
She doesn’t respond to me, just gives me the go-ahead nod. So I dive in. I tell her about Liam, and how I fell in love with him. How I thought he was my perfect partner in every way. I cringe when the words “soul mate” slip out of mouth. Ick.
I tell her about Georgia, and her box, and her notebooks. I tell her all about the night of my conception. I tell her about Alex and reconnecting. Nothing’ll bond you with another person like reliving a shared trauma, then experiencing a new trauma together, again.
I tell her about the day I got engaged, and broken up with. The head injury, and the hospital. I even tell her about the pregnancy. She probably already thinks I’m crazy, let’s just finish it off, yeah? I tell her about the eerily similar circumstances of Georgia and I being pregnant and alone, in this house.
I tell her about my new perspective on Georgia’s life, and how I’m blown away by the fortitude and strength she must have had to stay here all these years.
Carla finally chimes in. “You’re just as strong as Georgia, Britain.”
“Am I, though? I mean, I always choose the path of least resistance. Whatever is easiest, whatever is convenient, that’s what I do.”
“You don’t have to do that now, not if you don’t want to. You are lucky enough to have a choice, Britain. There’s nothing wrong with choosing easy, unless that’s not what you’ll ultimately want in the end. So you need to ask yourself, is this what I want to do?” She pauses before dropping her therapeutic wisdom. “The easy path can just as easily become the hard path if you aren’t following what you want. I think you’ve learned that lesson already, correct?”
Damn. She’s right. She’s always fucking right. I think for a second about what would have happened if I hadn’t run away 17 years ago. Would Matthias and I be happily married, with a couple of kids, living our best lives? I can’t play the “what if” game, but I do know what Carla means. I chose what I thought was easy, and I’ve spent 17 years wanting something else. Now I’m here doing the hard work, trying to make up for my easy choice back then.
I take a moment to think about what I want, what I really want. I think about my dream house on Pinterest. A house by the lake, a boat on the water. I think of Sunday dinners with Grandma Sandy and Uncle Alex. I think of golden hills that turn green for two weeks in spring, and how I’ve only ever been truly happy here. I’ve tried to think about moving back before. I always thought it was impossible, I thought it would be too hard.
All we have is today. Sandy’s words repeat to me. I don’t want to wake up in another 20 years and realize I’ve never done what I truly wanted because it was hard. My entire adult life, I’ve put everyone else’s life and needs before mine, because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to not be a cog in the system, to never ruffle any feathers, to not do the hard work.
“We only have a couple minutes left, Britain. Would you like to schedule another appointment to continue working through this?”
“Umm, yeah, sure.” I hear her, but I’m still in my own head.
“Okay, would you like to do virtual or in-person?” It’s a simple question, but it feels like a fork in the road. My body knows the answer before my mind does. I’m going to stay, and take the hard path, and do the hard work.
“Virtual,” I say, the words slipping out like it was the easiest choice I’ve ever made. A calm warmth envelops me as the meaning seeps in. It’s the peace.
Carla’s face goes wide with a victorious smile. She’s gloating because she’s right. She’s always fucking right.
“I knew it, I knew this was gonna happen.”
“It’s not like I’m moving here permanently, or even full time. I’ll be home in less than a week!” I try my best to appease Jess.
“Well, whatever house you end up buying or renting, be very aware how many bedrooms you need. One for you, one for each of the girls, one for a nursery, and one for me and Eden. Got it?”
I laugh. “Yes ma’am, understood.”
“Ugh, don’t call me ma’am.”
“Ooh, we’re spicy today, aren’t we?” I ask Jess.
“Yeah, well my best friend just told me she’s going bicoastal and I’m having a hard time adjusting to the idea.”
“You could just think about it like you have a built-in, all expenses-paid vacation whenever you want it, though. And, if Tommy starts traveling more, you could always just come stay with me while he’s gone. My door will be open for you, always.”
“Tommy!” Jess yells away from the mic, “I need you to go to Asia again, soon, okay?”
I burst out laughing. “That’s the spirit.”
“Are you sure you really want to stay there? I mean, what if you run into him?”
“If I do, so what? I have just as much right to be here. I’m tired of letting other people have that kind of power over me and affect what I do, or even where I live. I’m doing this because I want to be here. I want to live by the lake, and have my kids grow up around their uncle and their grandma Sandy.” Well, Gigi Sandy, that’s what she told me she wanted to be called when I let her know I was going to be finding a permanent residence nearby. She all but begged me to just move in with her and Jim. I’m stronger now, but I’m not strong enough to go live in Liam’s childhood home.
“And this has nothing to do with the Adonis you’re dating?”
“No, it doesn’t. I was already hatching this plan before he came back in the picture. And I wouldn’t call it dating. Coffee, a walk, and one movie night doesn’t constitute a relationship. And for the love of god, please don’t tell Tommy or Damian about this. It’s bad enough Damian found out about my engagement before I could tell him. Let me live down the embarrassment of my one-day betrothal first, please?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep my mouth shut.” I can hear Tommy in the background, “Can you tell me about it later?” I know she’s probably nodding her head. I laugh inwardly.
“Hey, since Tommy’s right there, can you have him send me the paperwork on the Porsche? I’m gonna get rid of it.”
“What? No! Just buy another car.”
I laugh. “I don’t even have a place to live, or a garage, let alone one for two. If the girls are coming out here in a couple weeks, I need something we’ll all fit in. It also has to be car-seat friendly.” God, I can’t believe I’m starting the whole baby thing all over again.
“Lame. There goes your ‘hot, bad-ass bitch’ vibe.”
“I think I’m giving up on that aspiration. New vibe is ‘coastal grandma.’ I’m just owning it.”
“Yeah, I tried, but you’re right. You’ve always been a grandma at heart.”
“Yup.”
“Well, fine, I’ll tell Tommy about the paperwork, and then I’ll email you the confirmation for the private travel for you, and then when you and the girls are going back, okay?”
“Thank you, Jess.”
“Talk to you soon, babe. Bye!”
“Bye.”
I set my phone down on the small iron table in the backyard, the same one Georgia used to put her plastic wine glass on every night. It’s early evening, but the breeze is already rolling in. The grasses sway and the eucalyptus trees brush against each other and I inhale deeply.
I’m feeling a lot better than I was a week ago. I wouldn’t say I’m great, but I would say I’ve made peace with some things. Like Liam probably knows about his child by now, and he still hasn’t contacted me. I’ve accepted that, hard as it is. I was foolish and probably too blinded and desperate from the divorce to see that Liam was never really real. It was just a lust-filled couple of weeks, with someone I never really knew.
I’ve made peace with being back in Georgia’s house, even though I can’t wait to find my own. But I’ve made peace with that, too, being alone. Hopefully I’ll end up near the lake, or maybe in the hills. A place I can share with the girls, and raise the baby with family nearby. A place for Sunday dinners, and watching my babies grow.
If Matthias wants to keep showing up in my life, I’ve made peace with him being there, too. I don’t have any expectations or hopes for what’ll happen between us, but I do know I like having him in my life. He’s steadfast, and that’s all I can ask for right now. I haven’t seen him since movie night, but he still texts me every morning and every night, and we’ve talked on the phone a couple times, too.
“Hey, ready to go?” That voice. Matthias calls to me from over the back gate. I turn around giving him a smile, grabbing my phone as I make my way to him.
“Yeah, where are we headed to?”
He smiles at me. “Just a drive, nothing crazy.” I can’t help but laugh.
“Well, if you’re planning to break up with me, you don’t have to drive me somewhere to do it. Although, we’d technically have to be together first, so I guess I don’t have anything to worry about.”
He’s still smiling. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Britain, least of all me breaking up with you, I promise.” I’ve heard those words from someone else before, and he still left, so I won’t put too much stock into them. “It was going to be a surprise, but we’re gonna go get ice cream,” he says.
“Sounds perfect,” I say, giving him a smile, as I unlatch the gate. He just waits for me until I’m right in front of him, then slides one arm around my back, pulling me into him tightly. His touch gives me butterflies as he drops his mouth to mine. This kiss isn’t like the last time, though, the day we had coffee. No, this time there’s an urgency. It’s a hunger, and I feel it, too.
He pulls away first, respecting my slow and steady request, but I can’t help that I bite my lip once we’re done. I could have done that for hours. He’s still looking down at me, and I know he’s thinking the same thing.
“Ready, babe?” he asks me, and for a moment, it’s like no time has passed. We’ve picked up right where we left off, and surprisingly, it feels good. Better than good. Matthias isn’t anyone's consolation prize, he’s no one's runner-up, and I won’t treat him like one. Because he’s here, with me, now. Even knowing I’m pregnant with someone else's child, he still wants me. He’s still choosing me. Here and now.
So instead of agreeing to go, I shake my head and say quietly, “No, I’m not ready.” He almost looks concerned for a moment until I reach up and pull him into me for another kiss. Because this is all we have, right? Today, here, right now. We might as well make the most of it.