32. Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
I t’s less than a week until my birthday. I’m confident that Gigi heeded my advice and has opted out of any celebrations. Up until now, anyway. She’s the kind of girl that would celebrate every day of a guy’s birth week. Birth month, maybe, if he let her. I can’t be sure I’m safe simply because it’s days before my birthday and no bombs have gone off.
I’m beginning to think dealing with Gigi is a lot of work, never mind the fact that I have to be vigilant to everything she does.
It’s a lot of pondering, second-guessing myself, just to have a girl in my bed. It has never been this complicated. I enjoy the simplicity associated with hookups.
Gigi Knox is anything but simple.
The fact that I can’t stop thinking about her is indicative of that. I’ve been so wrapped up in her these past few weeks—since I met her, if I’m being honest—that I’ve let everything else fall away. I was frustrated when I came home from the diner the night after dinner at Belinda’s and the apartment was clean. I wanted to pull my hair out when I realized she had made dinner. Then, in the days following that, it happened again. And again. And then, the next day, I come home to find all of my laundry and hers folded and placed, together, in my dresser.
When I asked about it, she went all baby blue eyes on me and said she was trying to help. The second my jaw started ticking, Gigi was unzipping my jeans. So much for that discussion.
And that’s how it has gone every day since. Gigi cleans the apartment, Gigi ensures there’s a fresh pot of coffee waiting in the mornings, Gigi makes the bed when I leave so I have to pull pristine well-tucked sheets free every night when all I want to do is sleep. When it crosses my mind how fucked that is, I attempt to mention it.
Gigi bats her eyelashes at me, tells me she’s trying to help, to pull her weight. Then, zip! Discussion over.
It’s like she’s doing it on purpose.
This afternoon, she’s at the boardwalk, shopping at a new boutique with Rory. So, I take the opportunity to get into EJ’s mind about all of this without Rory here to facilitate the discussion.
“Is it bothering you?” I ask him. “Is having Gigi here bothering you? At all?”
He turns to face me, muting the TV. “It’s bothering you,” he states.
“Well, yeah.” I clear my throat. “Dude. She’s cooking dinner, cleaning, doing my laundry. The other day I came home and my boxers were folded, and sitting in a drawer right next to a stack of her bras. Dude!”
EJ sighs. “I tried to tell you, man.”
“I fucking knew this was going to happen.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I knew better than to believe that she could handle this.”
“I don’t think she’s the one struggling.” My brother shrugs. “You look like you’re having a hard time handling your arrangement, too.”
“She’s the one making coffee and doing my fucking laundry, EJ. We’re hooking up. Not getting married.”
EJ looks at me, unenthused. “I like having her here. She’s so helpful. And it’s been nice to see her happy and not burdened by her mom. Don’t screw it up.”
“I try to talk to her about it, discuss ground rules, and she immediately goes touchy. I’m not going to say no when a girl heads south, idiot.”
“I think that’s the entirety of your issue right there,” EJ muses.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You’re so focused on the southern part that you neglect the north.”
“Do you enjoy speaking in riddles?” I ask, jaw ticking.
“I enjoy telling my brother that he’s thinking with the wrong head, one-hundred percent of the time.”
“Gee, thanks.” I rub a hand over my face.
“Obviously, you aren’t all the time,” he decides after a moment. “You’ve brought her ice cream and coffee and given a shit about her this whole summer. It’s not just a hookup for you, and you know it, dude.”
I scoff.
“I’ve never seen you be as nice as you are to her to anyone. Ever. So your brain must be controlling some part of you still. Because the Cade that thinks with his dick doesn’t buy ice cream or bring a girl coffee or go have dinner at a girl’s fucking house with her parents .”
“Belinda set that up,” I argue. “I didn’t.”
EJ sighs. “All I’m saying is you’ve been acting in a way a hookup doesn’t act. If that’s all you are to her.”
“That’s all this is,” I confirm, swallowing hard as my jaw pulses. “Meaningless sex. That’s all I’m in the market for. You know that.”
The night before my birthday, I make Gigi and I dinner. It’s just some baked chicken and vegetables from a can I found in the cupboard. But I started thinking about what EJ said, about how much Gigi does, and it made me want to take some burden away. At least until I put it all back on her.
Which made me think about everything else EJ said. Which made me realize that the biggest asshole move I’ve made isn’t sleeping with Gigi and telling her it can’t be anything more, it’s sleeping with Gigi, telling her it can’t be anything more, and then acting like it can.
Tonight isn’t doing anything to dissuade that argument.
“Thank you for dinner,” Gigi mumbles as she lays across me on the couch. She plants a kiss to my cheek. “That was sweet.”
“Don’t mention it,” I mumble. “It didn’t take much.”
Her eyes sparkle, and that makes my heart jolt. God damn it, Gigi.
“It means a lot,” Gigi whispers. “Everything you do.”
I run my hand through her hair, staring down at her. I swallow. My jaw tenses.
“Everything okay?” Gigi asks, a divot forming between her eyebrows. Her lips jut in a concerned pout. I open my mouth to speak, maybe even tell her the truth, when my phone rings.
“My mom,” I tell Gigi. Her brow furrows, and she stands up, rushing to the bedroom and shutting the door.
I guess she thought I needed privacy.
“Hey, Caderade,” my mother sighs into the phone. “How are you?”
“Your how are yous have come in text form all summer,” I say. “What happened to daily pictures of your dog? Why did we change it up? When?”
“You keep telling me about a wonderful girl you’re spending all your time with. And the picture you sent of her—she’s cute.”
“Yeah,” I mutter, instantly regretting the night at the carnival, when I thought the lights were hitting her face just right as she stared up at the sky. Or at least regretting sending the photo I got to my mom as a reply to her picture of the dog. “I know. But she’s here right now, so cool it maybe.” Desperate to change the subject so Gigi doesn’t get suspicious, I say, “Why’d you call?”
“Well,” Mom says. “I… Well.”
“Mom,” I sigh. “Did someone die?”
She hesitates.
I try again. “Mom. Come on.”
“Eddy hadn’t been feeling too good lately, so he asked me to take him to the hospital.”
My stomach sinks, my chest one-thousand pounds. “Alright.”
“And, well…”
“Mom.”
“Eddy has cancer, Cade. The doctors… They’re thinking it’s cancer.”
I don’t know if I stop breathing on my own or my lungs decide for themselves.
Or maybe the weight in my chest has decided to crush my lungs, too.
“I… Fuck, Mom. What the fuck?”
“I know, sweetheart. It’ll be a long road here.” Hearing my mom’s voice go weak makes my own throat start closing.
I sigh. Everything clicks. I want to rip my hair out. “We aren’t getting the shop, are we?”
“He tried to tell you right after he found out,” she says quickly, like air rushing from a balloon. “He said he called, and you sounded so excited he couldn’t stand to tell you what happened.”
So, that’s why he told me he loved me.
Eddy thought he was a dead man. Probably still does.
“Is it… What kind?” I ask, fighting tightness in my throat. “Do you know how long…?”
“I don’t,” Mom says. “He goes back to the clinic in a few days. We’ll know more then. But he keeps telling everyone it’s in his testicles, and you can imagine how awkward that must be. Your poor aunt hears it more than I do.”
I laugh, but it’s wet-sounding.
“Cade? You still there?”
“Still here,” I whisper as tears that I didn’t consent to start to fall. “Yeah.”
“Because of all this, I thought you may appreciate some more familiar faces. Eddy and I are flying in for your birthday!”
My thoughts immediately find Gigi, thinking she’s behind this. I don’t know how she would have managed such a plan, but I’m sure that girl would find a way. My jaw ticks.
“I don’t need that,” I say, my sadness replaced with concern. “Can Eddy fly?”
“I’m wearing thin dealing with Eddy, and he’s got the go-ahead to fly. I want to see my sons.”
That’s reasonable, damn it. I try another angle. “There’s not enough room in the apartment. I mean, where would you stay?”
“A hotel?” Mom says. “Which I’ve already booked. Your brother knows all about this. What’s done is done. I want to see my favorite boys while my least favorite boy tells everyone in the town he’s got months to live because of cancer in his nuts.”
“There’s no stopping this?” I ask Mom.
“There’s no stopping it, Caderade. Life keeps moving.”
I was talking about the birthday visit, but I think she thinks I mean the cancer. I know there’s no stopping death.
“Are you going to be okay, sweetheart?”
I hesitate, fighting the lump in my throat. “Yeah,” I choke. “Just fine.”
I hang up from the call with Mom, then go find Gigi in the bedroom. She’s sitting on my bed, her knees pulled up to her chest. She’s giving me her doe-eyed look.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
“Did you plan a visit with my mom and my uncle?” I ask, a sourness to my tone. “For my birthday.”
Gigi shakes her head. “No. Nothing like that. How would I have contacted your mom?”
I don’t answer her. I can’t wrap my brain around the logistics, but I’m certain she’s responsible.
“What are you talking about?” Her brow furrows as she scrapes her teeth over her bottom lip. “Is something wrong?”
“Can you go?” I ask. “I want to be by myself right now.” Nothing good ever stays. Not for me.
“Cade.” Gigi stands, looking at me with narrowed eyes, her lips in their typical pout. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please?”
“There’s nothing wrong,” I say. “I want you to go. Can you go?” I need you to go before I destroy you, like I promised not to do.
“I’m sort of staying here at the moment,” she points out. “And don’t have a car.”
My jaw pulses. I clench and unclench my fists. Over and over and over.
“Cade,” Gigi tries again. “Can you just tell me what’s wrong? I want to help.”
“I don’t want your help,” I snap at her. “I want you to leave.” I can’t watch you cry, knowing I’ve broken your fragile little heart.
“I don’t understand,” she says softly. “I want to help.”
“I don’t want your help, and I certainly don’t need it, Gigi. Have Rory take you,” I beg. “I need you to leave.”
She looks at me as if I’ve struck her across the face. I warned her. I told her this would happen, that a happily ever after wasn’t possible with me. It never will be. “But I—”
“Gigi. Go. Please leave. ” A single tear falls, but Gigi is quick to swipe at it. “Please. ” I can’t try to love you, no matter how much I want to. I will break you without even trying. That’s how this works with me, princess.
She’s flustered as she gathers her purse from the floor. She tucks her hair into a hair tie, like she needs to right herself before seeing Rory. She leaves without another word.
Nothing good will ever stay.
“I think we both need to get so intoxicated we forget today happened.”
EJ sits down on the barstool beside mine, flagging the bartender for a Jack and Coke. “Could not agree more,” he says. “How are you feeling about all this?”
“I’m worried for Eddy,” I admit, staring into my beer. “Something happened as soon as I knew. It’s like, you realize how temporary everything is. Like nothing’s worth keeping because—Ah, I need another beer. I can’t get sappy.”
I flag the bartender.
“You can be bummed. Sad. It’s reasonable—Eddy’s like a dad to you.”
“And you,” I remind him, jaw ticking. “We’re both losing the only other guy who gave a shit about us in our lives. Doesn’t that just…”
“Piss me off? Make me want to scream?”
I sigh. “Yeah.”
“Of course it does. You’re the one losing your future over it, though.”
Groaning, I lean against the bar and dig the heels of my hands into my eyes.
“You didn’t need me to say that, did you? Sorry, bro.” EJ downs his drink.
“The problem I’m having,” I begin as I sit up, then decide to gulp down what I can of my next beer, “is that I was so fucked after Mom called that I got mad at Gigi.”
EJ’s eyes widen. “Oh, no.”
I nod, jaw pulsing. “I knew she was gonna try to be all sentimental. I had to stop her before she had the chance to start.”
“The first thing I did was call Rory,” EJ tells me.
I scoff at him. “Won’t you just get fucking married already? Fucking Christ, man.”
“The first thing I wanted to do was call her,” he says. “I knew she’d know what to say. She always does.”
“And she probably told you it’s okay for you to feel your feelings and that she’d be there every step of the way, even after we lose Ed?”
“Something close,” EJ says. “Yeah.”
“And you believe that?”
“Of course I do,” he says. “I have no reason to think Rory won’t be there. She has been since I met her. I don’t think she’ll stop now.”
I consider this. “I’m glad that’s the case for you. Not everyone gets a perfect little life.”
“You know damn well my life is far from perfect.” EJ sips his drink. “My uncle’s dying too, you know?”
“But your girlfriend will be there to lick your wounds. You’re fine.”
“I don’t know why you’re choosing now to be an ass—”
“I’ve always been,” I say, finishing another beer. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
“Cade. Jesus Christ, man.”
“What?” I hold up my empty bottle for the bartender.
“You’re acting insane. If I was Gigi, I’d give one damn cold shoulder for a while.”
“That’s the plan,” I tell him, readjusting in my seat, squaring my shoulders. “It’s better that way.”
“What if she planned something for your birthday? How do you plan on avoiding it?”
“She didn’t,” I spit. “No way.”
“It’s like you didn’t spend all summer with her,” EJ says through a sigh. “Rory’s right. You are stupid.”
“Fuck off.”
“Man, I’m serious.” EJ reaches up, trying to pull my beer from my hand. I yank, getting myself and my beer just out of his reach. “If you’d think about this sober, you’d realize you sound like a dick. What you’re doing to her? Dude. I know that’s what you do. I know not connecting to anybody is your MO, but you’re lying to me if you say you don’t care about Gigi.”
“I don’t. Look, look.” I point to a group of girls pressed into a corner booth. “See that redhead? In the white tank top?”
EJ narrows his eyes. His eyes scan until he finds her, like a beacon. Slowly, he says, “Yes.”
“I’m going,” I say, standing up with determination, albeit wobbly, “to get her number. Work my magic on her. I’ll show you how much I don’t give a damn about Gigi. Right here, right now.”
“Dude. I’m not asking you to do that.”
“I’m doing it.” I wring my hands, crack my neck. “Oof. A little rusty, maybe.”
“Don’t,” my brother warns. “You go talk to that girl, Gigi will never forgive you.”
“Can’t cheat on a girl I’m not dating,” I tell EJ. “So, I may do more than talk to her.”
“It’s not about cheating,” he hisses as my eyes find the redhead. She meets my gaze, waving. “It’s about doing something only a heartless asshole would. Gigi just lost her mom a few days ago. Don’t make her lose you, too.”
“Gigi can’t lose something that never belonged to her in the first place,” I tell him, then march over to meet my rebound girl.