41. Chapter Forty-one
Chapter Forty-one
Nate
I spent most of the first forty-eight hours of my hospitalization sleeping. Somewhere between the medication changes and not spending every waking second trying to convince myself I was okay, my body simply...quit fighting.
It turned out, not being constantly exhausted made a difference.
Not a huge difference, but enough that I could see a break in the clouds wide enough to allow some hope to hit me.
The darkness wasn’t going to be endless. My mind accepted this wasn’t permanent. I could get past it. Grasping onto that sliver of hope got me through those first couple days.
I’d met with a team of doctors. They hadn’t said it, but their expressions had been easy to read. They didn’t think I’d been on the right medicine or dosage, and they disagreed with the tapering my previous doctor had had me doing.
I didn’t have a medical degree, but I’d barely survived the results, so I pretty strongly disagreed as well.
On the fourth day, I managed to walk outside and sit in the sun. The sliver widened.
It helped when Roman came to visit. He couldn’t stay long, but he sat with me outside, keeping a hand on me at all times.
“Ben and Adrian want to see you too.”
“They can come. I’m not going anywhere.”
He moved his hand over my back and onto my shoulder. “And Sammie?”
I swallowed hard. “I think I need more time. The way she saw me…”
He didn’t say anything, but the way his jaw rippled, I could tell he was biting down hard on his molars.
I nudged his side. “You can’t hold back to protect me.” I glanced at a nearby nurse. “They won’t let me jump off the roof—even if I want to.”
That earned me a hard glare. “Not funny.”
“Right. Too soon.” I squeezed my eyes closed. I didn’t know why I’d said that. “I’m not sure I know how to be normal anymore.”
“Say whatever you need to, but do me a favor and keep those kinds of jokes to group therapy, all right?”
“I can do that.”
I felt his gaze on the side of my face, more searching than hard. “You need to see Samantha.”
“I want to.” I dragged my fingers through my hair then let my hand fall heavy in my lap. Gravity had eased the last day or two, but there was still more pressing on me than there should have been. “I need to get a little better. I don’t want her seeing…this.”
He blinked a few times. “You’re making a mistake. You need each other.”
I shook my head. “She doesn’t need me like this.”
“I strongly disagree. I saw her that night, Nate. She’ll take you in any form she can have you, as long as you’re breathing.”
The next morning, I woke up with a start, her name on the tip of my tongue. I clutched my chest, convinced my heart was going to break out and run off to find her.
I was sitting outside again when she arrived, carrying the sun with her. Her mouth quivered as she looked me over.
I didn’t know what to do. Laugh with relief, burst into quaking sobs, or apologize to her for the thousandth time.
She took the options right out of my hands as she threw herself at me. For one awful second, I froze, unsure I had the right to touch her. Then instinct won out, and I caught her, hugging her as tightly as I could, taking in a great inhale of her hair, her neck—her.
“You look so much better,” she whispered.
“You look beautiful,” I replied.
I wasn’t better. There were cracks of goodness filtering through the bleak crust of concrete wrapped around my brain, but I’d spent the better part of my day wondering how I was going to gather the energy to be present for her visit.
Still, I had hope.
Maybe that was what she saw.
A few days ago, I certainly hadn’t had a shred of it.
We sat on a bench side by side, Samantha’s hand clutched between mine. She didn’t ask for anything, and that was a relief too. I’d almost let myself believe Roman had been right, that she would take me in any form.
If that were true, I needed to find a way to be in my best form, for her sake.
Before she left, we clung to each other. Her fingers dug into my back, and her mouth was hot against my neck as she gasped.
“I love you, Nate.”
“Even now?” I couldn’t help asking, still finding it difficult to believe.
“Always,” she promised.
The following day, she came back with Adrian, and Ben showed up near the end of visiting hours.
I’d gone to my first group therapy session, so I didn’t have much to give to any of them.
Though they didn’t seem upset by it. I’d managed to stay present enough to listen to them talk, and even laughed at something Ben had said.
On day seven, the zaps in my brain had slowed, making focusing a little easier. Adrian showed up during visiting hours alone. As always, we sat outside together.
Today was a little sunnier.
He leaned into me. “It’s you and me, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ben and Roman are a pair. I mean, it’s natural, given they shared a womb and have the same face.”
“Most identical twins do.”
“Right.” He studied his steepled hands. “I always thought of you and me as a pair too. The oldest and youngest.”
“You see us as a pair?” I never would have guessed.
He turned his head, his brow dropping low over his eyes. “Why do you think I bought a condo in your building? Did you think that was a coincidence?”
“I…yes, I guess I did. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d put much thought into it.”
“Well, it’s a fact.” He shifted on the bench, like he was uncomfortable. “I wanted to be near you.”
“To keep an eye on me?”
That had him sitting up straight and twisting toward me. “Are you not listening? I’m trying to tell you I love you, and you’re making it extremely difficult.”
“I—” Had to blink. Swallow. Process what he was saying. Adrian didn’t emote. I knew he loved me, but I couldn’t think of a time he’d actually said it out loud. “I love you, too, Ade.”
His scowl deepened. “All right. If that’s the case, you can’t leave me. We’re a pair, Nate. What am I going to do on my own? Hang out with the twins? I don’t think so. You’re in this with me all the way. You can’t back out now.”
“I’m not backing out.”
That did nothing to abate his frown. “You were thinking about it.”
Dropping my head, I nodded. “It was hard to be awake, but that’s different than wanting to die. I know it doesn’t sound different, but it is.”
There was silence, a deep inhale, then he threw his arms around me and dug his head into my shoulder.
I frowned.
Adrian was…
Crying.
It didn’t make sense. Not at first. It took me far too long to understand my brother was crying on my shoulder and holding me as hard as he could. Once I did, I turned into him, pulling him close.
When we were young, probably before our mother left, I’d been the first person he’d run to when he was hurt or scared, and I’d held him until he was okay. Later, it shifted to Roman. We all leaned on him. But I liked this. I wanted to be the brother Adrian could come to.
That I was the cause of his tears hadn’t escaped me, but I hoped like hell I could get to a place where I wouldn’t be. Then I could take my place in our set.
Samantha came to visit most days. Sometimes we talked.
Other times, we just sat together, holding hands and looking at one another.
She told me about work, including the building they’d bought in LA.
She rambled on about her workouts, the café she’d tried, her spin instructor—safe topics that gave me a glimpse of what she was up to when she left me.
I ate it all up, but sometimes…
“Sorry.”
She blinked. “For what?”
“My mind wandered. I’m sorry.”
“Nate, you have nothing to apologize for.” She touched her lips to mine. “I promise.”
One day, she’d taken a deep breath before speaking, like she was working her way up to something, and I’d braced for the worst.
Then she asked, “Would it be weird if I told you I’ve slept in your bed the past few nights?”
I jolted with surprise, my hand tightened over hers. “Not weird,” I choked out.
Her eyes narrowed. “But it’s…something.”
“You can move into my place if you want. I…just…well, why?”
“I miss you a lot.” She kicked at the pebbles beneath our feet. “Your sheets still smell like you. I don’t let myself lie on your pillow. I don’t want to contaminate your scent. I probably need to change the sheets soon, but I can’t bring myself to do it.”
I rolled my forehead along hers. “Bring me a pillowcase tomorrow. I’ll rub my head all over it.”
That made her laugh. “Oh god, Nate. Can you imagine? If they see you doing that, they’re never going to let you out of here.”
I found myself laughing with her. “You’re right. They already think I’m crazy enough.”
“You’re not crazy,” she said softly.
“Crazy about you.”
“Then I should be locked up too. I’m just as crazy about you.”
We weren’t back to normal. How could we be? But we’d gotten a taste of it back. And it was more than enough to get through the day and add another heaping of hope to the pile.
On my tenth day at the clinic, Roman arrived for a meeting with me and my doctor. We came up with a plan for what would happen now that my condition was stabilized, but I wasn’t ready to go home.
Roman walked out of the office with me, his hand on my shoulder. He hadn’t given up the habit of always having at least one hand on me.
I didn’t mention it.
“The place looks really nice.”
“Anywhere is fine. They could send me to a roach motel, and I’d go if it could help me stop this from happening again.”
I’d flipped through pamphlets. Mountain views, workout facilities, a spa, along with around-the-clock mental health care.
I was far enough out of my hole to acknowledge how privileged I was to be able to go to a place like this for as long as I needed. The plan was to start with a three-week stay then reevaluate.
“Sounds like it’ll be intense,” he added.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t stop myself from grimacing. “I’m…I think I’m scared.”
“I’ve done a lot of reading—something I should have done back then—and I’ve found CBT does a world of good for a lot of people with severe depression.”
I chuffed. “I just have to change my entire way of thinking.”
“If anyone can, it’s you. I’m sorry I didn’t push you into therapy a long time ago.” He rocked back on his heels, looking as unsure as I’d ever seen him. “I thought the medication would do enough. I’d hoped it would.”
“It does a lot.”
My team of doctors had started me on a new prescription, and it was beginning to really kick in. I wasn’t quite at the point where I believed it would last, but I could get out of bed and finish a full meal without having to talk myself into it.
“It doesn’t fix everything.” Roman rubbed the top of my head like he had when we were kids then dropped his hand to my shoulder again. “How’s Samantha doing?”
“I could ask you the same. I only see her for an hour a day. She’s careful with me.”
“It’s going to take some time for everyone to know what they should say.
It’s only been ten days.” He looked at me for a long beat.
“She and Ade spent Sunday at the house. Ben came over with Mazzy and Katty, and we grilled. It was nice, but we were all acutely aware something important was missing.”
“I’m going to be there again.”
“I know you will.”
He sounded certain enough for us both.