Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
HAYES
I didn't follow Sloane back to her house. I had no intention of doing so. I needed time alone to get my head on straight before we took the short flight to Minneapolis.
"Mind if I join you?"
I continued to trace figure eights on the wooden kitchen table. "How did you find me?"
Beckett pulled the chair out across from me and took a seat. "I took an educated guess. I got the feeling this trip is hard for you."
"I told Sloane I would be there for her every step of the way, but that was before she told me his name and the life he's been living. Suddenly, I'm worried I won't be able to be the person she needs right now."
"Do you blame her for getting pregnant?"
My head snapped up. "Fuck no. The only person to blame in that situation is Toby."
"Do you think you'll hate the child because Toby's his father?"
I vehemently shook my head. "No. I could never take the sins of a father out on a child."
I had firsthand knowledge of what a shitty person some parents were. That fault should never be placed on the child's shoulders. Benjamin had no say in the man who created him, and I wouldn't treat him differently because of it.
"Okay, so why do you think you can't be the person she needs?"
I took a moment to think about it. I came here because I didn't have an answer, and I hoped some time alone would change that.
Maybe what I really needed was to talk it out with someone who had an outside perspective.
"When Sloane first told us about the baby, I was grateful she put them up for adoption. The thought of her having that reminder every day of her life was too much. Now, she's changed her mind, and I don't know how she's going to cope with the reunion."
"Not sure how she'll cope or how you will?"
And that right there was why I came to Sloane's old quarters. "Both."
"You know there's nothing wrong with admitting this will be hard for you. Sloane's life wasn't the only one ruined that night."
"She was raped. I only got my heart broken. There's no comparison."
Beckett leaned back in the wooden chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "I never said there was, but you just found out your best friend betrayed you in the worst way possible.
You haven't had time to process that, and now, you find out Sloane had a baby, and you're about to meet the child from that deception.
I would be worried if it didn't fuck with your head in some way. "
"What did you say you did for the FBI?"
Beckett snickered. "I never said, but don't worry, I wasn't a profiler.
Just a boring old agent who learned to read people early on in my career.
" Beckett uncrossed his arms and leaned forward until his elbow rested on the table.
"Listen. No one’s saying you need to be one hundred percent okay with everything that's going on, and none of us are going to judge you for having your own feelings about the matter.
I do want you to remember this. Yes, that baby's part Toby, but he's also a hell of a lot Sloane's.
You just have to decide which way you want to look at it. "
"Glass half empty or glass half full."
Beckett leaned back again with a huge smile on his face. "Now you're getting it."
It was my choice. I could dwell on the negative. Dwell on the heinous acts committed against her. Or I could try and follow Sloane's lead. If she could move past what happened and accept Benjamin, was I going to allow it to tear us apart again?
Hell fucking no.
"You made up your mind." Beckett didn't ask a question. He made a statement because he knew I had. He must've been damn good at his job.
"I've got a plane to catch."
"You sure do." Beckett pointed behind me. "I packed you a bag. Figured you might need it."
I glanced over my shoulder and then back at Beckett. "Thanks. I owe you one."
"Nope. Your love for Sloane is enough for me."
I rapped my knuckles once on the wood and stood up. I didn't say anything in response to that until I was at the door. "These women are lucky to have you."
"They are lucky to have us. Now, get the hell out of here before Lilith decides to leave your ass behind."
I didn't need to be told twice. I got the feeling Beckett wasn't joking. Sloane said an hour, but patience was never her thing, and if the rest of them were ready to leave earlier, they would.
My assumption was right. I barely made it to the plane in time. Anita was standing at the steps ready to close the door. She gave me a chin lift on my way by.
I glanced around the small cabin and found Sloane sitting in the back. "I thought maybe you changed your mind," she whispered as soon as I took the seat next to her. "Where did you go?"
I heard the unvoiced question. Why hadn't I met her like I agreed to?
"To your old quarters. I needed a few minutes to get my head on straight."
Sloane stared at me. A dozen questions reflected in her eyes. Even after all these years and the million ways she changed, I could read her every thought. "And?"
I pried her fingers from where she had a death grip on the armrest and brought her hand up to my lips.
I took a moment to place several light kisses along her knuckles.
"I love you, and nothing will ever change that.
I will follow your lead and support whatever decision you make in regard to Benjamin. "
"I know that, but I want your feelings on the matter. We're in this together. That means your feelings matter as well."
"I won't lie to you and say this isn't hard for me. You deserve the truth, and yes, I'm going to struggle knowing that child is Toby's. But more importantly, he's yours. I forgot that for a minute and needed the reminder."
"I'm scared," Sloane admitted. "When I was pregnant, I resented the baby because it was further proof that I lost you. I was happy to give him up for adoption. What if my feelings haven't changed? What kind of person does that make me?"
I cupped the side of her neck. "A human one. Your feelings back then were valid. You were young and dealing with a trauma. But the fact that you couldn't terminate the pregnancy is proof enough that you care for the child. Remember that the first time you see him."
"My gut’s telling me I need to protect him."
I smiled at her. "See, you're already thinking like a mother. You've got this. And I'll be right by your side, reminding you should you need it."
Sloane dropped her eyes down to her lap for a moment, then back up at me. "I need to tell you something, and I'm not sure how you're going to react."
The worry in her tone put me on edge. I braced myself for whatever confession she was about to lay in my lap.
"I'm not sure I'll ever want to have a baby again."
I absorbed what she told me and let it play around in my head.
When we’d dated, we talked about starting a family, but it was never something we agreed was a necessity in our relationship.
Back then, we only cared about getting away from our parents and getting the hell out of the town that held nothing but bad memories for the both of us.
"Then we won't. I love and want you. It's you I need in my future. Anything more than that is just a bonus."
Sloane unbuckled her belt and crawled into my lap. She might've spent our years apart turning into an assassin, but deep down, she was still the woman who sought out my arms for comfort.