Chapter Thirty-Two #2
‘I was right there, for years. And every single day I told myself, tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll do it.
I’ll find a way to show him I’m sorry. But tomorrow came and I’d just watch him instead.
Watching was easy, much easier than admitting what I’d done.
’ He coughs, loud and husky. ‘I’d follow him around, telling myself I was looking out for him, protecting him, when really, I was doing the same thing I did when I was alive.
I was keeping him close but on my terms. Even in death, I couldn’t stop controlling.
’ He shakes his head, uncrosses his legs. The floor groans.
‘So you failed?’
Gabe looks at his hands again and out the window, at the sea suspended mid-wave.
‘I didn’t get a chance, Jake. He died before my time was up.
And he was good, a good man. He lived and loved generously and had nothing to put right.
There was no in-between for him. I was standing right there and watched him go and then there was nobody left for me to say sorry to.
No door to knock on. I’ve been here 300 years.
Not because I was punished. Because I ran out of time. ’
He sniffles – such a weak noise for a man this hard – as his voice cracks. ‘I loved him till death.’
I look at Belle without meaning to. Just a glance behind me to the duvet I’d pulled up to her shoulder. Her brow still furrowed, frozen.
Carrying that guilt for 300 years. There’s nothing for me to say, and the right response is probably silence, but I’ve never been good at silence.
‘Christ. And here I was, thinking I had a rough decade,’ I joke. Gabe tilts his head. ‘I’m sorry, mate. I really am.’
‘S’all in the past now,’ he says, straightening on the stool, rolling his neck.
Just like that, he’s back to Gabe again. Gruff, enormous … slightly inconvenient. ‘How did you leave it, then, with Belle?’
I rub my face with both hands. He’s been more honest with me in the last five minutes than the entire decade prior, and now it’s my turn.
‘The only way it could be left.’ I reach out with my toes and bury them in the fabric of Belle’s dress on the floor.
‘I saw it all. Everything she’s been through, from her point of view.
But I also lied about why I was here, because it felt easier.
I was scared to lose her again. And I got jealous and then scared again and we fought.
I cried by some goths in the abbey. Then it hit me.
Why was I hiding how I felt? Why was it so hard for me to say?
So I ran back here as fast as my legs would carry me and I begged her to forgive me.
She took my face in her palms … And later she asked me to find a way for us to be together. I said no. I want her to live.’
‘Right,’ Gabe says, nodding.
I look at him then, my face creased. ‘So now what?’
‘That’s it. Your mission is complete.’
‘And?’ My eyes widen, waiting for more.
‘And?’ he replies grumpily.
‘And … Did I do okay?’ I lean forward.
Gabe chuckles, shakes his head. ‘You did well.’
‘So what does that mean? Where do I go?’
Gabe rolls his eyes, like I’m a toddler asking, ‘Are we there yet?’ for the hundredth time.
‘That depends.’ Gabe leans back on the stool. ‘I carry souls between worlds, Jake. That’s what I do, what I told you a psychopomp does. Some souls go forward to the afterlife. Some …’ He pauses, scratches his chin, the noise of it loud in the silence. ‘Some aren’t finished with the living world.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means what it means.’
‘A straight answer for once would be greatly appreciated.’
‘It means you’re done, Jake. Get some sleep.’
‘That’s it? No explanation? No heaven or hell pep-talk? Not even a debrief?’
Gabe tuts and leans his hands on his knees, bracing himself to get up. The floor groans under him. ‘That’s it, petal. It’s nearly midnight, I’ll pass you on shortly.’
‘I’ll get my lifejacket ready for the boat trip, I guess.’ A laugh bubbles in my chest but doesn’t quite make it.
My last moments before the afterlife, then. I look at Belle, and something drops away in my stomach, the way it does in dreams when you think you’re falling.
‘If this is it, can you just let me have one more moment with her?’
‘Sure thing, kid,’ Gabe says without looking back, as he turns and takes a step towards the mirror.
‘Hey, Gabe,’ I call out. He stops.
‘You’re genuinely terrible company, you know that?’
‘Humph?’
‘I mean it. Like, the worst ten years of my life.’
Gabe’s mouth moves under his beard. I’ll take that as a smile.
‘Thank you,’ I say then, quietly enough that he could ignore it if he wanted. But he doesn’t. He nods, a small movement, quick.
‘I think I’ll miss you, in some sort of demented way.’
‘Hah!’ The products on the table next to him rattle as he laughs.
‘You were shit to watch movies with, though.’
‘I’ve never liked romcoms.’
And then he’s gone. No fanfare. That’s Gabe.
Behind me the glass from the bedside table rolls to the floor and, at the same time, the room heats up a touch – I can feel that.
I catch the seconds on the alarm clock start ticking away again.
I slowly pick up the glass and walk it to the bathroom to refill it with water before placing it back on the bedside table.
Just in case she gets thirsty in the night.
I creep back into bed, and as I spoon my body around Belle, she shifts back towards me.
I don’t think about what comes next. I just listen to her breathe, count her freckles for the last time.
That’s enough. That was enough.
Outside, small flakes fly past the window. Light at first, then heavier.
Snow.