Chapter 39 - Marco
I was fading.
I could feel myself drifting away from this world.
Things felt further away, as if I was stuck behind a window that was getting thicker and thicker.
I didn’t go to the academy anymore.
I hadn’t been in…..I didn’t know how long. Neither did Alexei.
I didn’t think he did anything other than watch me.
And I could feel it would end soon.
I didn’t know when. I didn’t know how. I just knew that bodies told you things when they were getting ready to stop - that it was close.
The amount of medication and infusion I was going through every day was countless.
Pills in the morning. Pills in the afternoon. Pills in the evening. Pills that had to be taken with food, pills that had to be taken without food, pills that had to be taken at exact intervals or they wouldn’t work, pills that had to be taken with water, pills that had to be taken without water.
And despite all of it my heart was still too slow.
I sometimes couldn’t even get out of bed.
My parents came today.
They came because I couldn’t go to them. Going anywhere by car was a hard task for me lately so anyone who wanted to see me came to me. My parents came every few days, when they could. They sat beside my bed and they talked to me. Alexei always gave me space with them whenever they did.
Today my mom and dad were sitting next to my bed.
My mom was talking.
She was telling me about her garden and that she planted strawberries for me.
“I can’t wait to feed you,” she said, her voice bright.
I smiled.
Knowing I wouldn’t taste them.
The strawberries would grow and would ripen but I wouldn’t be here to eat them.
I nodded. “I can’t wait.”
She caressed my face as if she could feel the lie.
“Mama, Papa.”
“Yes?” They both answered in unison.
I looked at my mother’s face, the maternal warmth that lived in her expression even since I was little. She always made me feel so loved.
Then I looked at my dad. There was so much affection in his eyes for me and I memorized it, hoping I could carry it with me on the other side of the world.
“Thank you for everything.”
My mom trembled. “What do you mean?” Her voice was shaking a bit. “What is there to thank me for?”
I caressed her hand and sighed. “I know how hard this was for you, since I was little. You fought so hard for me. You and Papa. You fought and you sacrificed and you gave up everything and you never…you never once made me feel like I was a burden.”
My mom’s face broke but I kept talking. “You never once made me feel like I was too much. Even when I was. You never let me see it. You always smiled. You always said it would be okay.”
I could see my dad struggling to breathe.
“I’m grateful for it,” I smiled. “I’m grateful for you both. I love you so much. And I hope I managed to make you proud.”
My mom was trying not to cry. She had been trying the whole time but now tears were all over.
“We are proud of you,” she said, and her voice was destroyed. “Always, tesoro. Always.”
My dad spoke too. “Always,” he only said one word but I think it’s because he was shaking so hard he probably couldn’t speak properly even if he tried.
“You are the best parents. I want you to know that.”
They hugged me.
Both of them. Together. And I felt small again. I was thrown back to the time I was a little kid who would curl between them.
When it was time for them to go home, my mom looked over her shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes, Mama,” I lied.
My brother stayed a little longer.
He had been in the corner of the room the whole time. He didn’t disturb the conversation I had with my parents but now I saw Luca approaching.
He sat down next to me and he signed. Are you okay?
“Hm. I have something to ask you.” I pulled a notebook from under my pillow.
The one filled with sketches and poems, I handed it to him.
“I want you to keep this safe. And I want you to give it to Alexei if something happens to me, okay?”
Luca shook his head frantically.
His hands moved. Fast. He was producing gestures at a speed that was difficult to follow even for someone who had been reading these hands their entire life.
No. Why are you asking me this? Nothing will happen to you. Why are you saying this?
Do you feel that bad? Let’s go to the hospital. We can go now. We can -
I grabbed his hands, both of them.
I pulled them into mine, held them and sighed. “Luca.”
His lip trembled as if he was about to cry. I gave him a soft smile and said, “I love you. You know this, right? I love you so much. From the moment you were born and Mama let me hold your tiny body in my arms, I have loved you.”
His hands went still in mine.
“All I wanted to do was protect you. But it turned out the other way around, didn’t it?”
I laughed softly. “You protected me. You were always the one protecting me.” I released his hands and brushed the hair out of his face.
“You are so strong. You never back down when you want something. You never let anyone get to you. You are not afraid to speak up for yourself and you are always keeping your head up.” I looked at his face.
He was beautiful and I wished I was here to watch him grow.
I’m a bit scared to leave him behind. The world can be cruel and I don’t want him to go through it alone.
“You are so amazing. You are the strongest person I know.”
He made a sound. It was a choking one, where his mouth opened and a strangled noise came out. I soothed him by caressing his cheek. “I am handing this to you,” I lifted the notebook, “because I believe you are the only one who can do it. If something happens, I need you to do this for me, okay?”
Luca was crying. The tears tracked down his cheek and I wished I could make it stop.
He hugged me and sobbed softly into my arms.
Within the notebook lay a letter.