Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Isat on the settee in the bedroom, staring at the tray of ginger tea. The steam stopped rising hours ago and the aroma had long disappeared too, leaving the air cold and blank, just like my mind.
What have I done?
I thought I was being smart because I had never dreamed big, never let my emotions get to me.
But it felt as if years of emotions–emotions that had been contained under so much pressure–were now pouring out all at once. It was overwhelming and made me sick to my stomach. I had eaten nothing since the meeting with the counselors that morning.
All I could think about was what a mess I’d created, and how I did not deserve to be here. I did not deserve to be queen.
And I do not deserve Keanu’s love. He finally said it. His last words were his confession of love to me.
I buried my head in my hands.
How could I do this to him? Was this what love felt like? Was it supposed to hurt this bad?
This is why I’ve avoided it. This was why I kept myself from dreaming big, or of a life that might lead to happiness.
But I am a great spearfisher. Yes, that was true.
My practicality had helped me and my family survive…
not just survive, but have a good life here.
Kiki was in a much better position, not only in terms of location and the home she now lived in, but with great prospects of marriage.
Maybe she and Peter would fall in love and be happy here.
I looked around the room, trying to take it all in. It felt like I was looking at it for the first time again, the night of the wedding. Everything was so extravagant, so luxurious, so…
Not me. But it felt like me when he was here.
Suddenly, my eyes locked on an item sitting at the desk.
Keanu’s journal. He told me I could read it. “What’s mine is yours,” were the exact words he said. I always kept myself from reading it. It felt too invasive, personal, and… I never trusted him. I feared that whatever I read might be him just putting on a front.
But he never did put on a front. Keanu had always been, well, Keanu. He had always been honest, especially after the experience with Kalani. Keanu was always trying to look out for and protect me.
My feet moved of their own accord to the desk, where I sat and, with trembling fingers, touched the black leather cover. I knew I was being overly sentimental, but Keanu had touched this very book. He had taken the time to write in it. Maybe about me?
I flipped to the page, where a black ribbon bookmark meant he’d stopped writing there. This was his most recent entry:
I admit. I’m smitten.
I have fallen for her, heart and soul. She is truly the moon to my tide. I will do anything for her.
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. He was talking about me, right?
Who else would he be talking about? My mind mocked me. I continued, warmth filling me that he was, indeed, speaking of me.
I cannot take away Oli’s days. She deserves to live and to rule this people and kingdom.
She will do a far better job than I ever could, even though she has not been raised to take on such a calling.
Oli is wise, brave, and compassionate beyond understanding.
I love her, and I will sacrifice myself for her.
My eyes skimmed across the next paragraph. I was reading so fast, needing to know his grand plan, needing to know if he really did feel for me.
I will surrender our people to the warlord, and, if he does not kill me, I must go to Kalani. He will surely take my life, but I must finish the riddle. I must become a creature of the night… for her.
That was it.
I thought I’d run out of tears, but surprisingly, they still came. He did it… for me?
For… Me? This time, he really was going to face the consequences… and all because he loved me.
I wanted to read past entries, to see if he’d written anything else about our time together, but I was too overcome with emotion.
Keanu really, really loves me. And he knew that I respected Kāne, the god of all gods, so he respected and honored me by paying the price for his faults. Keanu changed himself and his beliefs because of me.
I don’t know how long I sat there, sobbing, my tender feelings warmer than the ginger tea we’d drink in the nights.
Love. I had never allowed myself to truly sink into it, to truly feel it, because I never allowed myself to dream and accept that it was possible for me, the spearfishing daughter of a drunken man, to be loved and cared for by someone.
I never allowed myself to even dream of a happy marriage, or that a man would love me enough to change his ways, accept his faults, and do something to make restitution.
Even if it was the ultimate price: his life.
For so long I had blinded myself with survival. But how many times had logic told me Keanu was true, and then the feelings in my heart aligned with those thoughts?
My heart and mind aligned… I had never thought of it, but it made sense. I could dream big and love big, just as Keanu had, because both my heart and my mind agreed, and, even more importantly, I was doing what Kāne needed me to do.
I stood and stared at the moonlight sparkling on the ocean.
I can dream big. I could allow myself to dream of love… but not just love. Loving him.
I love him. I could not–no, I would not deny it. I could dream big of being the queen and leading the people to peace, proving just how much I loved him.
I tsked to the pueo and he flew to my arm. Malu was such a perfect name for this owl, for I felt peace now.
“Come on,” I said, petting his soft feathers. Keanu’s last words and Malia’s timely counsel came to mind. “We’ve got work to do.”