Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
JADA
I expect Ash to be light and carefree after we get back from Nashville.
He got everything he wanted, and more. But he’s obviously wrestling with something and calmly claims he’s just thinking things through when I ask him about it.
I don’t want to press him further. I have to trust that he’ll open up to me when he’s ready.
But I can be stressed about it. Because I can guess what he’s thinking about—us. And our one-year anniversary isn’t for another six months. We don’t have to talk about our relationship right now.
I throw myself into planning the opening of the bar instead because I have so much to do. It’s going to be bigger than anything we’ve ever planned before, and I have to get most of it done before we go to Bianca and Waylon’s wedding. I don’t want any tasks hanging over my head while we’re there.
I manage to get much of it done by the time we’re on our flight to the Bahamas.
Bianca’s parents splurged and got all of the guests tickets so we could make it.
Or I guess for them, it might not have been a big expense.
The guest list is small, with just twenty-five of their closest friends and family.
I wouldn’t expect anything different from them—it’s just right.
“You good?” Ash asks once I put my laptop away, just in time for landing.
“Yep, all done with the most important stuff.” I blow out a breath and stretch out my legs as much as I can. “Are you good?”
Ash raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
I glance across the aisle at Wes and Rose, who are watching a movie together. The ambient noise of the plane is loud, but I don’t want to get into anything right now. Everyone seems excited and any tension might kill the vibe.
“Just generally.” I press my leg against his to let him know I’m not upset. “A lot has been going on.”
“Yeah, I’m good.” He rests a hand on my knee.
His hand steadies me, even during the plane’s bouncy landing. Even though the air was rough coming down, it’s nothing but clear blue skies and palm trees now that we’ve landed. A small bus takes us directly from the tarmac to the secluded resort where we’ll be staying for the next few days.
Bianca’s parents reserved a few small villas for the guests, all situated around a huge courtyard with a pool. We relax around the pool for a few hours before we go to the rehearsal dinner. It’s set up on the beach under a tent, the gorgeous evening light making everything glow.
“You look so stunning!” I say to Bianca when I see her. She’s literally the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in real life, but her happiness is making her almost angelic.
“Thank you.” She gives me a big hug. “I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t believe it’s happening tomorrow. I’m a little worried about how it’ll all go.”
“It’ll be perfect.” It better be, with how much all of this costs, but I hold my tongue.
“Were you nervous?” Bianca asks, lowering her voice. “I’m not sure what amount of nerves is normal.”
Our wedding feels like it was a hundred years ago, and I was a totally different person. When I thought about what life would be like six or seven months from then, I didn’t imagine this.
I glance over at Ash, who’s talking to an older white woman who I vaguely recognize from somewhere. He gives me a soft smile before turning back to the conversation.
“Ask Rose. Her advice is probably way better,” I say. “Our wedding was fast so I hardly had time to be nervous.”
“She says she was excited. And I’m so excited and I know we’re doing the right thing, but it’s so…” She gestures vaguely. One of the waiters floating around the crowd puts a glass of Prosecco in her hand, and she thanks him. “Big. Final.”
The waiter hands me Prosecco, also. “It is. But you and Waylon are perfect together. Marriage being final is a good thing.”
She sips her drink, nodding. “Yeah. It’s the start of a happy forever.”
I glance back at Ash, who’s still talking to that woman. “Who’s Ash talking to, by the way? She’s not a Stryker but I recognize her.”
“One of my parents’ close friends, Ruby. Remember that song Cheetah? She wrote it and performed it. She’s a big songwriter and producer these days,” Bianca says.
“Ah.” No wonder they’re speaking. Ash is nodding along with what she’s saying, a trace of excitement in his eyes. “Ash has gotten back into writing songs again.”
“That’s great,” Bianca says. “If he’s interested in getting into it professionally, she’s the best person to talk to.”
I take a long sip of my drink, and the slight burn fills the pit in my stomach.
“Jada,” Ash calls out. I’ve been staring blankly at him for a touch too long. I excuse myself from Bianca and go over to Ash. “Jada, this is Ruby. Ruby, this is my wife Jada.”
Him introducing me as his wife still feels weird, but it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. I shake Ruby’s hand.
“Sorry, I was staring, wasn’t I?” I say with a light laugh. “I was trying to place where I knew you from, and Bianca told me. I love your music.”
“Thank you.” Ruby smiles. Her signature red lipstick is the perfect shade against her white teeth. “Yeah, Ash and I were talking about songwriting. I’ve heard of Cinematicas and love the sound he and his collaborator created.”
Pride makes me smile, even though I had nothing to do with his success. “He’s so talented. And when he’s working on his newer stuff, he’s locked in. I’ve never seen him focused like that before.”
Ruby’s smile widens. “I understand the feeling. I’m actually running a songwriter incubator in Brooklyn now where everyone is like that. I call it a creative melting pot. Songwriters come in and can really focus on their craft. We pay everyone a stipend so that pressure is off, too.
“That’s incredible,” Ash says.
“Thank you. I hope that by taking away some of the pressure to make a hit by whatever date, people can produce art that’s meaningful.” Ruby shrugs.
One of the attendants starts herding people toward their tables, and we say bye to Ruby. We’re seated with Jeremiah, Wes, Rose, JD, and JD’s fiancée Katrina. Bianca and Waylon are at the table in the front.
Ash doesn’t speak much, giving me time to absorb Ruby’s words. Was she inviting him to join the incubator? It sounds exactly like something he would love. And with the stipend on top of his back royalties, he wouldn’t have to worry about money either.
But Brooklyn isn’t here. He’d have to leave.
My anxiety starts to build throughout the evening since we can’t slip away and talk about it.
But I try to put on a smile and have a good time with everyone.
The food is delicious, and the sunset is stunning.
I should feel amazingly sated by the time we stumble back into the villa, but I just have questions.
“C’mere,” Ash says as soon as we walk in the door.
He grabs me by the hips and pulls me toward him, wrapping me in a hug. I savor his body heat for a few moments before I possibly wreck all of this. He kisses the side of my neck, trailing down to my exposed shoulder.
“Are you going to take Ruby up on her offer?” I say before I lose my head to his kisses.
He pauses. “I don’t think she really offered me anything. She just told me about it and gave me her contact info.”
“Which is basically like an invite.”
Ash pulls away but keeps his hands on my shoulders. His brows furrow as he studies my face.
“You don’t want me to go,” he says. I shake my head.
He gives me more space, looking up at the ceiling fan. I can’t read him right now, and he’s being too quiet.
“It’s a big opportunity, Jada,” he says.
“I know. And I feel like a huge piece of shit for even thinking of questioning you on it. In an ideal world, I could tell you to go live your dreams. But what about us?” I ask. “Like what are we, first of all?”
“You want to be more,” he says plainly. “In an relationship. Otherwise, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
I swallow and nod. Does he want to be?
He rakes his fingers through his hair and turns from me. The knot in my throat grows. At least it keeps me from talking. I can tell when he’s thinking and needs me to hold back.
“To be honest, she’s the second person who’s offered me some kind of songwriting gig.” He sits down on the couch near the sliding-glass door.
“She is? Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask. We talk a lot, so I assumed he told me everything. Was that delusional thinking?
“Because I didn’t think it was important to you. Or important for you to know, I guess?” He studies me. “So if I choose to leave after the year we agreed on is up, does it matter? We’re not in a relationship. Officially. Even though you’d like to be.”
I close my eyes for a moment. I shouldn’t be upset by this because it’s true. But since when have I stopped feeling a certain way because of rationality?
When we’ve talked about relationships in the past, his body language has screamed no. But this time, he’s more pensive. That’s a step in the right direction, right?
“That’s only because we’ve avoided talking about it. But be for real right now, Ash,” I say, keeping my distance. “We come home to each other every day, we hang out, we have sex, we confide in each other. We’re dating.”
“But we’re also married. Legally. And that complicates everything,” he says, leaning back into the couch cushions. “If I went to Brooklyn and ended up wanting to stay there full time, then what? What if we grew apart? What if you found someone else?”
“I won’t find someone else,” I say. “I don’t want to think about us breaking up.”
God, I sound pathetic. But it’s true.
I want more mornings like the ones we have—waking up with him wrapped around me, the cats walking all over us and meowing for breakfast. More evenings hanging out, just shooting the shit or being near each other, doing our own thing.
I want to explore things with him without always having the fake way that this relationship started in the back of my mind.
“I know, but I have to think about it,” he says. “That kind of thing is always in the back of my mind, no matter how good things feel in the moment.”
“I understand.” I sink down onto an ottoman. More accurately, I have to understand. To me, what we have should dispel at least some of his anxiety about being rejected. But his scars are deep and a few months won’t fix everything. “Do you need some time to think about what we are?”
“Yeah. At least overnight,” he says, running his hands along his thighs.
“Okay.”
Tears burn my throat. I want his answer to just be Jada, I want to stay in Jepsen with you. In an actual relationship. But him thinking about it overnight is better than a hard no.
I just hope that the time doesn’t harden him against what we could be.