Chapter 6 #2
He really didn’t know who he was without a punishment. And that was its own whole issue.
“I just need you to make this gingerbread house,” Chloe said. Then she gave him another hug, and turned back toward the kitchen.
“Sorry about that,” he said, blinking rapidly, turning his focus back to the work.
“There’s no need to apologize,” Laney said. “This is a lot. But she’s right. I mean, you have to let yourself live.”
Her words really sunk down beneath the surface of his skin.
He’d been in recovery. He’d found his way back to Chloe. He’d earned Melinda’s forgiveness. He’d started a new life with new friends, but he hadn’t forgiven himself.
He withheld it, in fact, like it was the thing keeping him on the straight and narrow.
He could give himself Chloe, because it was for her. Could work again to preserve a solid savings so that Chloe could do culinary school, so Chloe would always have support.
But when it came to his own life, he gave himself nothing.
Like giving himself even a moment of happiness might break everything he’d worked to rebuild.
But he would never make those mistakes again. Not because he was complacent. Because he had seen the consequences of his actions, and because he had decided that this life was worth holding on to.
Maybe holding back that forgiveness wasn’t helping him anymore. Maybe it was just keeping him from stepping into the best version of who he could be. And that did affect Chloe.
“Addiction is a funny thing. Because you always have to live like it might come back at any minute. I suppose it’s like a lot of chronic illnesses.
You have to make sure you keep doing checkups and check-ins.
But I think the problem with that is it can become the biggest part of who you are, even when you’re not active in it.
And part of me wants to figure out how to change that.
That balance. Because I need to be the best version of myself, not just this version of myself, but the one that makes her smile. ”
“Pike, you’re a pretty damn good version of yourself.”
“I appreciate it,” he said.
He did, and he also didn’t know what to do with the compliment. But he felt like he needed to figure it out. Because it might make him better. Might be the next stage in real healing, and he wanted that.
He wanted Chloe to light up like everything was magic. He wanted…
This.
They kept on working on the gingerbread house, and were nearly finished when Nolan Wright came in, pushing a pink bike with tassels on the handlebars. “Is Marlowe around?”
“Somewhere,” Laney said. “Cool ride.”
“It’s not for me. It’s for Lila. But I need to figure out where to stash it until Christmas.”
“For Lila?”
That seemed a little bit odd to Pike, because Lila wasn’t necessarily girly or... A bike rider? He would say that he’d have imagined she was neither.
“Yeah. For Lila. I have a whole plan. I’m getting her everything that she ever wanted when she was a kid that she didn’t get.”
Pike felt like he’d been punched in the stomach.
It was beautiful. One of the nicest gestures he’d ever heard.
The first thing he thought of, of course, was what Chloe might’ve gone without because he was lost in his own illness.
But the second thing was the redemption represented in that pink bike. Everything that might have been missed, given late, rather than not at all.
And even though Nolan and Lila’s relationship was obviously different, it made him wonder...
“Well, that’s beautiful,” Laney said. “She’s a very lucky woman.”
“I’m the lucky one,” he said. “I got her a ring too. But don’t tell anybody.”
Nolan was grinning so widely that Pike had a feeling the only person at risk of exposing his own secrets was him.
Because it was obvious that he was so excited he was about to burst.
“Oh, there she is,” Laney said, gesturing behind Nolan. “She just popped out of her office. I bet she’ll give you a good idea for what to do with the bike.”
He smiled, and began to roll the bike back toward reception.
“Wow. That’s some romantic shit.”
“It really is,” Laney said.
“Do you think you can actually do that? Make up for... Make up for those kinds of losses?”
“Nobody in my life has ever tried. But I’d like to think so.
I’ve been really focused on my career, I admit that.
And I’ve kind of doubled down on it. Really neglected my personal life.
But... I think it’s a beautiful idea. That you could take something painful and turn it into something beautiful. That it’s never too late.”
“I’ve been forgiven for a lot of things,” Pike said.
“It makes a man real grateful. Because when you’ve been forgiven, you realize how much your life depends on other people.
If Chloe and Melinda had kept a wall up, if they would’ve given me what I deserved, rather than showing me real grace, then I’d be alone now.
And I was alone for a while. And I can tell you...
That’s when you really look into the abyss.
Especially when your career goes away at the same time. ”
She nodded. She wasn’t that much younger than him, and he definitely didn’t get the sense that she’d had an easy life. But very few people had hit rock bottom the way that he had. And if there was one thing he thought might be valuable there, it was his ability to add a little bit of perspective.
“Well, thank you. I actually appreciate you sharing all of that. And I really appreciate you working on this with me. Sharing your expertise. And sharing Chloe.”
“It’s been my pleasure,” he said.
And he meant that. Not in a way that only spoke to sex, but in an all-encompassing sort of way.
She had given his daughter something that meant a lot to her, and she had given something back to him, again, not just sex.
And he was genuinely feeling some kind of joy that he never thought he could feel again.
A kind of satisfaction he hadn’t imagined he was allowed anymore.
A pink bike with ribbons on the handles.
The very thought made him laugh.