15. Levi
fifteen
“You killed it on that hike today, Thea.” I grinned at her as we headed back to the lodge at Zion. The narrows hike we wanted to do had been closed due to high water levels, so we’d done the Emerald Pools instead.
Thea laughed and gave me a gentle shove. “You mean my ass killed it? I wore these pants for your enjoyment, dude.”
I draped my arm over her shoulder. “You are so sweet.” Her ass did look incredible in her tight black yoga pants, but I’d only been able to fully enjoy it for about thirty seconds before guilt stamped out my arousal. “So, should we do another hike after lunch or hang out at the lodge this afternoon?”
Thea bit her lip with a mischievous glint in her eye. “Let’s hang out.” She slid out from under my arm and walked ahead of me toward our hotel room doors. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Meet me in the restaurant in thirty? Unless you want to join me.”
I coughed in surprise and rubbed the back of my neck while she arched a brow and waited for my response. “Are you serious?” I choked.
Our eyes met in a heated glance. The air felt electric. I couldn’t stop staring at her lips. Eyes. Lips. Eyes. Lips. I think I audibly gulped, and then, like the snap of a rubber band, the moment ended. A sheet of ice dropped over Thea’s expression, and she laughed. “No, perv. Shower in your own room.” She turned and hurried down the walkway until she reached her room a few doors down. She tapped her keycard and disappeared behind the heavy, brown door without another look at me.
I rubbed my jaw, confused out of my damn mind. Did Thea want me? Did she not? Everything with Gina had been so boring and obvious. Our parents set up our first date when we were sixteen. We didn’t become a couple until I returned from my mission because I wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend before then. But it was easy. This head-spinning, heart-pounding feeling never happened with Gina.
“Thea, you’re killing me,” I mumbled to the empty walkway before heading into my room to shower alone.
When I arrived at 2 p.m., the lodge restaurant was nearly empty. A quick glance told me Thea hadn’t made it down yet. The hostess sat me at a corner table beside the floor-to-ceiling windows and the massive stone fireplace. I ordered a coffee while I waited.
My heart pounded as I contemplated what could have happened if I’d jumped at Thea’s invitation. It seemed like she meant it. I was being an idiot. I took a deep breath and caught sight of my reflection in the window. With my tanned skin and thick stubble that almost reached beard territory, I hardly recognized myself. Or maybe I finally did recognize myself. I straightened my shoulders and tried to convince myself that I could be the kind of guy who interested Thea.
2:10. Still no Thea.
I gazed at the dark wood beams on the vaulted ceiling and counted them to calm my nerves. There were twenty-four.
2:15. No gorgeous woman with purple hair headed my way.
2:20. Should I text her?
2:23. Holy shit.
I swear the air changed when she entered, and literally every cell in my body buzzed to life. Several heads turned to take her in. I wanted to claim her in front of everyone — put my arm around her, take her hand in mine, press my lips to hers, and let them all know she was mine.
But I sat, frozen, probably with my mouth slightly open, as she smiled at me and headed toward our table.
She wore a floor-length, black knit dress that hugged her in all the right places, and when she started walking, the high slit gave me a mouthwatering view of her left thigh and a hint of a tattoo. Her hair fell in wild waves around her bare shoulders. She was in full goddess mode—wild hair, black dress, black combat boots, and fiery eyes.
My dick strained against the very boring khaki cargo shorts I threw on after my shower. I should have dressed up.
“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Thea smiled and took the empty seat beside me instead of the one across from me. She crossed her legs under the table, letting the bare one rest on top and brush against my knee. Good shivers scattered up and down my spine. “I had to take care of something in the shower myself since you didn’t join me.” She bit her lip and gave me a sensual look.
I had a full boner now, in public.
Luckily, guilt swooped in and took care of that for me before Thea could glance at my lap and notice.
When I took too long to speak, Thea sighed and picked up the menu. “I’m kidding. So, does anything look good here? What are you going to order?” She stared at the menu. I stared at her bare leg beside me.
She had a skull tattoo on her upper thigh, and roses bloomed out of the eyes and mouth. Thea’s gaze flitted over to me, and she caught me staring. She raised a single eyebrow and smirked.
“You look nice, and your tattoo is awesome,” I finally blurted.
Thea burst out laughing. “Hi. Welcome to the conversation.”
I grinned at her and shook my head. “Shut up.”
“So you like the tattoo? I thought you might.” Thea traced the outline of the skull with her pointer finger. “From death blooms beauty.” She shrugged. “It was Lenny’s idea. I argued with her like a pain in the ass. I wanted to get a spider web with a sick-looking black widow in the center, but I couldn’t get her words out of my head, and when my appointment came, I went with the skull and roses.”
Now, she traced the petals of a rose with her finger. I wanted to do it with her. I wanted to feel her skin. Instead, I tore my eyes away from her tattoo and forced an even smile. “Your aunt sounds awesome, and she was exactly right. From death blooms beauty.” I stared right into Thea’s gorgeous green eyes.
Thea’s icy wall wavered but remained in place. “You think I’m beautiful?” She nudged me with her bare leg beneath the table.
Before I could respond, the waiter showed up to take our orders. He looked to be in his mid-to-late twenties, tall and muscled. This dude was Thea’s type, and he left no room to wonder if he wanted her. Before he even asked what we’d like to drink, he eye-fucked her. “That dress is stunning. Seriously, you still have every eye in the restaurant on you.” The idiot let his gaze linger on her chest. Why did guys always think they could stare at her like that?
Anger flashed through me. “Hey, why don’t you take our orders instead of objectifying my friend?” I tried to keep my tone even, but it carried an apparent bite.
The waiter cleared his throat and glanced at me for the first time. I never looked like a threat to guys like this. They didn’t take me seriously. He pulled his notepad from his apron and politely asked what he could get for us.
After the waiter walked away, Thea smirked at me. “Did you defend my honor? Is that what I witnessed here?”
“I’m sorry. Maybe you wanted to hook up with him, but it bothered me that he stared at your—” I gestured awkwardly toward her chest.
Thea leaned forward to give me a clear view of her cleavage. “My what, Levi?” She twisted a lock of purple hair around her pointer finger, and her eyes twinkled with mischief.
I chose not to take her bait. Plus, saying tits out loud felt even more challenging than saying fuck. “Did you think that dude was hot, Thea?” I sipped my water and forced my eyes to meet hers.
“Would you care if I did?” she taunted with narrowed eyes.
“You can do better, that’s all.” I stared back with determination.
“Better like who?”
Idiot Waiter arrived with our drinks and a bread basket. This time, he kept his eyes off Thea’s chest. What a champ.
Did I honestly believe that I could be the guy Thea wanted? Not really. Not yet. I rode a rollercoaster of self-confidence at this point in my life. Some days, I climbed to the top, only to plummet back down the next day. Being confident a few days of the year was better than no days. Maybe this rollercoaster would eventually even out.
After Idiot Waiter left, I took a page from Thea’s rule book and changed the subject. “You’ll tell me if the hikes are too much, right? I don’t want you to be hurting.”
Thea groaned out loud and covered her face with both hands. She wore the same shimmery black nail polish that mesmerized me when we were high. “The hikes are fine,” she mumbled into her hands. “Levi, if I don’t want to go on the hikes, I won’t go on the hikes, okay?”
“Okay.” I smiled when she peeked at me through her fingers. I wanted to be enough for her, more than anything.
After our late lunch, we wandered into the gift shop, walking close enough that our hands brushed together multiple times. It sent lightning zapping through my fingers every time.
Thea picked up a plush ram and turned to smile at me. “Let’s split up and pick secret souvenirs for each other. I’ll meet you back at the entrance in fifteen minutes.” She set the ram back on its shelf and headed toward the opposite end of the store before I could ask for any ground rules.
As I tried to decide what to get her, I knew I wanted to make her laugh first. For that, I chose a hideous neon orange trucker hat with the words Utah Rocks! on the front. Then, to make her smile and soften her sharp edges, I chose an amethyst and lava rock bracelet. After I paid, I headed to the front of the store and found Thea already waiting, trying not to smile.
Why did she try so hard to hide that beautiful smile?
We stepped outside into the warm afternoon sun and wordlessly traded bags. Thea pulled the hat out first and gave me the head-back laugh I craved. “Wow! Wow, Levi. This is so cute!” She plopped the hat on her head, still laughing.
I grinned back at her and reached out to graze the ends of her hair with my fingers. “Orange honestly goes so well with purple. I knew this would complete your look.” I folded my arms, afraid I’d touch her too much if I didn’t stop at her hair. “There’s one more thing.” I nodded toward the bag she clutched tightly in her right hand. Was she suddenly tense because she wanted me to touch her or because she didn’t?
Thea nodded and reached into the bag. She pulled out the bracelet and rewarded me with her full smile. “Alright, this is really pretty. I love it.” She slid it onto her wrist. “Okay, your turn!”
My bag from Thea also contained two items. First, I pulled out a shot glass with the Salt Lake Temple etched into it. I grinned and held it up to the light. “That’s funny, Thea. That’s really funny.”
“Right?” she laughed. “Keep going!”
Next, I pulled out a Junior Ranger’s National Parks passport. I held it up and gave Thea an inquisitive glare.
She laughed and stepped forward, placing both hands on my chest. I forced myself to keep breathing. She said, “I’m not calling you a kid. I swear! You’re into hiking and exploring now, but I couldn’t find an adult version of this passport. But that’s okay because I actually kind of love your childlike excitement for experiencing the world. It’s refreshing and endearing, and…”
Thea trailed off like she’d said too much, and panic momentarily flashed through her eyes.
I pulled her in for a hug and hoped she couldn’t feel my racing heart. “Thank you,” I said, releasing her and putting my gifts back in the bag. “I saw some face cards in there.” I gestured toward the shop behind us. Thea needed this diversion. I could still see her panic, and I guessed it was over that L word she let slip. “I’ll grab a set, and you can teach me how to play poker or one of the other gambling games I was never allowed to play.”
Thea gave me a shaky smile and didn’t meet my gaze. “That sounds great. We can play in my room.”
We were quiet as we walked back to Thea’s room, each of us stealing glances at the other. My glances meant I wanted her. What did hers mean? Stay back? We’re only friends?
We sat cross-legged on her bed, and she taught me how to play poker. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, and that bare leg that stuck out of her dress had me completely distracted.
During our second game, I had four of a kind. Thea looked into my eyes and burst out laughing. “Levi! You’re not supposed to smile when you have a good hand! Poker face!”
I laughed, too. “I didn’t know I was smiling.”
“Practice your poker face right now. Convince me that you have terrible cards. Trick me!”
Our eyes locked, and I shook my head. “I don’t want to trick you.”
Thea’s ice melted. “Holy shit,” she whispered with a soft smile.
After I lost the next three games in a row, Thea laughed, rested her hand on my knee, and said, “We can play something else.” Her voice was low, husky, and painfully sexy.
I swallowed. “Like what?”
Thea tossed her cards on the bed between us and leaned back against the pillows. What If I hovered over her, pressed my body into hers, and kissed her? I knew her body would feel incredible against mine. I was already at half mast looking at her lying there.
She smiled and patted the pillows beside her. “Maybe we could talk and listen to music.”
I wanted her. I wanted to bury my hands in her hair and kiss her lips until they were red and swollen. I wanted to kiss all the way up her leg until I reached her—
And then my parents’ voices were in my head. “It would be better to die than break the law of chastity.” I was maybe twelve the first time they said that to me. I didn’t even know what breaking the law of chastity entailed at that point. I only knew I’d die before I did it.
I slowly gathered up the cards and hyper-focused on the feel of the glossy cardboard in my hands. I fanned them out and read them in my head. Seven of diamonds, ten of spades, two of spades, eight of hearts, six of clubs. I didn’t care what my parents thought of me. I’d already told them to go to hell. I didn’t care what they thought. They were wrong.
“Dude, are you okay?” Thea sat up.
I couldn’t look at her. She was so beautiful that it hurt not to touch her. But I couldn’t touch her. What if one simple kiss led to sex? I had what I could only classify as a panic attack the last time I’d tried to drunkenly sleep with someone outside of marriage.
Even within marriage, sex was uncomfortable for me. My wedding night lacked all passion and existed in my memory as nerves and tangled limbs in the dark. I don’t think my ex-wife enjoyed anything I did to her body. She never said anything, but I could have sworn I heard her sniffling in the middle of the night.
Purity culture screwed people up. I knew that much. I needed to take this so slow.
Would Thea understand?
I slid the cards back into their case and cleared my throat. “I’m feeling a little sick. I might go back to my room and sleep,” I said.
“Oh.” Thea sounded disappointed, didn’t she? She wanted me to stay. “Can I get you anything?”
I half-smiled. “Nah. I’ll be fine.” I stood and headed for the door, hoping she couldn’t see my shaking hands. “I’ll see you bright and early in the morning for our drive to Arches.” I left before she could answer.
I had to pull my shit together.