Chapter 15 #2
“You’d have thought, but she said she was relieved.
She didn’t want anything to do with her.
I don’t think Lily is capable of having a relationship with anyone without it being professional.
She never made a connection with any of the other patients when she was a child, and it was the same here.
The only people she spoke to were those with a job title.
” She moved the chair slightly closer to me.
“I have a session with Lily once every two months. I still prescribe her medication. She turns up on time and never misses an appointment; bringing a list of things she’s achieved since I’ve last seen her.
It’s all about her gardens, or taking herself to the cinema, which is a big thing for her.
She’s been having weekends away in new cities, although never abroad, but she never mentions a friend or a romantic relationship. ”
“Do you find that surprising?”
“No. Do you?”
“She’s afraid of rejection. I’m guessing one of her nervous system responses is to fawn. Her list every time she sees you is her trying to gain your approval.” Which was interesting in terms of thinking of her as a murderer.
“I take it you’ve studied psychology, or maybe criminology.” She looked pleased.
“To masters level. We know she freezes – the situational mutism is aligned with that, and I’ve seen her literally freeze when she is stressed as well.”
The doctor didn’t answer me, just watched.
“I haven’t seen fight.” I looked at her, trying to read what she thought about it.
“Neither have I, Detective. So to go back to your original question; do I think Lily could’ve set the fire that killed her father and brothers?
I don’t know. Based on her stress responses, no.
But having seen her presentation afterwards, yes.
I think what she’d experienced as a child could’ve led to her setting the fire, and her not recalling it.
Either way, that girl needed help and will continue to do so for the rest of her life.
” She shuffled slightly in her seat, having surprised herself with her summary.
I didn’t respond straight away, realising that the doctor’s insight had me right back where I started; we didn’t know what happened that night and were no closer to finding out.
“Could she be responsible for the fire earlier this week? Do you think she would have had the capacity?” I tried a different way to explore Lily’s psyche.
“Not unless she’s had a psychotic break and there was no suggestion of that happening the last time I saw her.
There would’ve needed to have been a trigger of some sort.
I saw her ten days ago, and thought she was doing well.
She was religious with her meds, didn’t drink or take drugs, and she had plans to visit Edinburgh which she was excited about.
She was also very scared still; every day was a challenge for her until she got to work and started in someone’s garden.
That was when she was at peace.” She pushed her chair back and looked at her phone.
“I don’t know of a reason why she would want to harm her mother or even have any contact with her.
I think in Lily’s head, Amanda had died in the fire as well. ”
“That’s useful to know. You haven’t seen her since? Lily mentioned having gone to see a therapist more recently.”
“It’s possible she sees a psychotherapist too, she did mention exploring that.
Of course, there may be a side to Lily I’ve not seen recently and she could’ve been calculated in how she was in front of me.
I saw that side to her a couple of times.
She can be highly manipulative when she wants, but it’s rare for that side of her to appear. ”
“What would trigger that behaviour?”
“In my experience of working with her, over attachment to a couple of key people. We had it when she was about sixteen with one of the nurses; Lily struck up a real attachment to her that at first gave us a bit of a breakthrough; she started to laugh more, engage with activities and open up in sessions. Then this nurse – she was called Petra – started to work with another patient as well, and Lily didn’t like it.
It was typical teenage control with bargaining, ‘I won’t do this unless Petra helps me’, and the other child started to refuse to work with Petra.
We never found out why exactly, only that they thought Petra should only be with Lily.
There was a similar incident when Lily was in her early twenties with a social worker, who started to advocate for Lily to have a mobile phone and unsupervised internet access, things that we didn’t think she was ready for.
The social worker eventually asked for the case to be reassigned.
There was a lot we never found out about with that.
” She finished her coffee and glanced at the machine, but didn’t go over there.
“Why do you think Lily was happy for you to discuss her case with me?” It was either because she had nothing to hide, or because she did; one was more conniving that the other.
“She’s a very fearful person. She’ll be scared of losing what she’s tried so hard for. That’s why, if you pushed me, I’d think it very unlikely that she was involved in the event that killed her mother.” Doctor McKay gave me a nod, underlining her opinion.
I stood up, no further forward, no clearer, and only more questions. “Thank you for your time, Doctor, it’s appreciated.”
“You’re welcome. I’m not sure I helped. Lily is complex, like we all are, and I only hope she will be okay because she really has tried so hard.” She stood up, offering her hand. I took it, tentatively.
“I hope so too.” I did, I really did.
“And detective, judging by your expression when you walked in here, you might want to consider talking therapies. You deal with horrendous things; it’s a hard load to carry.”
That was why she’d shaken my hand.
“I’m exploring ways to lighten that load.” It was true. Didn’t mean I was any closer to finding that way.
“Good. And thank you for not jumping to conclusions. I always felt like the detective in charge of Lily’s case did just that.”
“Why was that?” A spike of adrenaline hit me.
“She was too convenient. The detective came to see me once to discuss whether they could question her. I said that we could agree questions and present them in a certain way to see what her responses were; he shot that down and drew his own conclusions, tying everything neatly together, which I suppose was his job.” She headed to the door.
“I think though, that we had the best outcome for Lily.”
“Why was that?”
“If she hadn’t been here, she’d have been back with her mother, dealing with the aftermath of the fire with probably very little support.
On that trajectory, I think she’d have had an even more difficult life.
Even in a secure hospital, she had more autonomy than what she’d been allowed to have with her parents.
” She unlocked the door. “Sometimes the system’s the safest place. ”
Her words reverberated around my head on the drive to Roselea to meet the CSI team.
I’d been a neglected child, with a chaotic mother, a product of a chaotic situation.
Being taken into care had changed my life for the better, but I’d gotten lucky with my foster parents, and not everyone in a similar situation did.
Lily was the same age as me, had been institutionalised as well, but we were living completely different lives, or so I told myself.
I called my foster sister, and best friend, Heidi, from the car, getting her voicemail which didn’t surprise me because it was the middle of the day and she was working.
“Hiya, it’s me,” I said. “Just calling to see how things are. Let’s try and speak over the weekend. Hope you’re okay.” I ended the call, suddenly homesick for a place I hadn’t been for over a decade and missing people I could go weeks without seeing.
Lily had no one. I had the people who’d taken me in, Heidi who’d been my best friend before we’d been foster sisters, and we’d chosen to carry on being family. Lily hadn’t had that choice, not a viable one.
A car I recognised was parked up next to the CSI van, one that I wasn’t expecting to see. I headed up the driveway and parked next to it, pleased it was there.
Vinny Leigh was leaning against the outbuilding at the back of the house, a lollypop hanging from his mouth which completely spoiled the mean and moody look he was aiming for.
He’d lost weight, or put on muscle, which I wasn’t going to tell him, because his ego would pop if it was inflated any more.
“Mia Mac, how’s it going?”
“To what do I owe the honour?” I liked to avoid his questions.
“Wrigley’s assigned me to your case; said you’d been moaning about lack of staff. I’ve not worked out why he listens to you moaning and ignores me.”
“Because I’m far more charming and get better results.” My smile was smug and well deserved.
He shook his head slowly. “You wish. Anyway, what are you hoping to find by dragging three of Jenna’s finest out to the sticks.” He eyed up the house.
“Footprints, recent fingerprints. I also want to have a look inside where we can because it wasn’t searched – or there’s no record of it being searched – in the original investigation.
” We headed inside; the board that had sealed the entrance removed.
Amy, one of the scene of crime officers, gave us hard hats and instructions about where we could and couldn’t go.
The house was burned out on one side, but parts of downstairs were still intact, signs of the family that lived there still present and etched into time.
There were no photos of the children, which was unusual but not unheard of.
A stack of mail was scattered on top of a cabinet, dust and ash coating it.
I pointed it out to Amy to photograph it and bag it, although I doubted it would be of much use.